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Thank you to all of you who say yes when we ask you to speak - I know it is intimidating to get up here, but it is also intimidating to ask people to do so!
I realized maybe I’ve lived here too long, when we played two truths and a lie at a pod potluck and I realized many of the things I often use to trick people are now common knowledge.
So, I dug deep and I decided to try out a few new options here:
#1: I stopped someone from using a knife at school
#2: I fell off a swing set and broke my arm
#3: I was hired with a handshake in a bar
You may not know which of those is a lie, but this is true - my name is Nicole Smith. Also, I am moving this week - but, just a couple miles up the road, so you’re stuck with me at least another year. I’ve been back in the Boston area since 2017, happy to be living in the city of my soul and am glad I can continue to call this corner of the world home.
Transition points can be challenging, and when I am at them (like now with moving) I find myself looking to the past, hoping to learn something from my former self and past experiences as well as the experiences of others close and far from me in time and space (to translate that, I love to read books and learn from people in them, those who actually lived, and those who sprang from someone’s imagination)
One thing that has been a consistent reality in my life is how much I care about people. My brother Craig has called me a collector of people. I strive to live up to that!
And one of the reasons I care so much about people can be explained in these lyrics:
I’m trying to be like Jesus;
I’m following in his ways.
I’m trying to love as he did, in all that I do and say.
Often I find myself wanting to do this very thing - be like Jesus, do what He would have done (side note, I was jealous of people who had those WWJD wristbands when I was growing up!) Sometimes my wanting leaves me feeling inadequate. I focus more on the “like Jesus” part than the “trying” part.
And then I find myself grateful for scriptures, like these ones:
Luke 2:52 And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.
Doc & Cov 93:11-13: 11 And I, John, bear record that I beheld his glory, as the glory of the Only Begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth, even the Spirit of truth, which came and dwelt in the flesh, and dwelt among us.
12 And I, John, saw that he received not of the fulness at the first, but received grace for grace;
13 And he received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness;
I can’t tell you exactly what these scriptures mean, but I know they have been balm to my soul and helped me shift my attention and focus to the growth part, the increase part.
But, then I start asking myself other questions like: Am I making progress? Have I grown in grace or wisdom or favor with God?
I love words. I find that focusing on one word in my scripture study often has really powerful impacts on me. As in I will open the Topical Guide and go to a word (right now I am looking at Ask where I went after looking at Question because I felt like I needed to be more intentional about the questions I am asking God). Then I open each scripture listed, read it and see what I learn from the verse with that word in mind.
A word I have noodled on more than once over the years is Remember.
This is a commandment, an invitation, a comfort that we are offered over and over again. Including each week in the sacrament prayers and in the sacrament hymn we sang last week:
Let us remember and be sure
Our hearts and hands are clean and pure.
I’m still noodling on how to “remember and be sure” - if you have insight, let’s chat!
Remember. It must be important.
Often I understand things better by what they are not than what they are.
I have come to know that remembering is not ruminating.
I am very good at circling back to things that did not go well - the dumb thing I said or did, when I failed to follow through on a prompting, etc. And then I remember, but only in abstract, something Malachi Johnson told us in a talk - about a huge percentage of our thoughts being a) recycled (one’s we have thought before) and b) negative.
Looking back at the past can put us in negative or positive cycles. Negative things put me more into rumination, recrimination, shaming and a loss of hope.
Remembering puts me more in a hopeful, constructive, positive space. It allows me to recognize where and how I have grown, allows me to see strengths, things I have been able to share with others, talents I have cultivated.
Right now I am working on some projects that have me looking at the past and remember in specific ways - I have been going through all my old Google Photos, so I am literally seeing so many things, and mostly good ones - turns out I am more likely to snap a pic when I am happy or when there is something I want to remember! And, I have been going through in part to collect pictures for an exhibit I am planning, something I am excited about, which brings some joy to this remembering project.
I am also typing up my past journals. There are many days where I didn’t say anything of consequence. And there are days when I clearly did some ruminating on paper. Plenty of ups and downs. But I am often so grateful to my former self for something I recorded. I appreciate the insight regained. It makes me think this is another reason we have been given scripture, and asked to remember: There is so much good that we can learn, and relearn, and learn new things from if we take the time to ponder and reflect.
I’ve been typing up some entries from another time I thought I might be leaving Boston - a time when I had a total blank slate before me, where I didn’t feel I had any direction about what to do or where to go.
{Side note, I have found myself singing / praying lyrics from this hymn many times in my life - “I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord, I’ll do what you want me to do, say what you want me to say, I’ll be what you want me to be” and yet being unwilling to do / say / be without being told what that is - very often I think God is waiting for us to use our agency for good, to not be a slothful servant needing to be commanded in all things.}
And so, I am reminded of a truth I will try to illustrate through a couple vignettes from my past:
“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards” ~ Soren Kierkegaard
Or in a common phrase: Hindsight is 20/20
This is something I shared in a testimony, back when it happened, but feel to share it again: During a ward activity, I was snowshoeing with two wonderful women from our ward. I had only done this once before years ago and was excited to try it out again and grateful someone had snowshoes I could borrow. It was a lovely, sunny, not too cold day and I was looking forward to some time in nature with two awesome women. We chatted and laughed and lamented that there wasn’t more snow to really enjoy these snowshoes with.
Then we took the less traveled path away from the ski slopes. Soon there was a sign “Experts only” I snapped a pic with the sign, a questioning look on my face.
Certainly I wasn’t an expert snowshoer, but I may have a healthy (or unhealthy?) dose of belief in my ability to do hard things, and trust in people around me, so I traipsed along after my friends. Several times we could not see the trail. It appeared signs were missing, then, when we looked behind us there were some on the trees. So, by looking both in front and behind us, we continued up the trail.
This made me remember another time in nature where signs, or the lack thereof, shaped the experience of our hike.
Towards the end of my time living in Ketchikan, Alaska - I gathered my brother Jacob and two friends to tackle a 14 mile traverse to complete my goal to do all the hikes reachable without a seaplane. The trail markers for most of this trail were metal posts with a metal diamond towards the top. Many of them were blown over to a 45 degree angle, impossible to see unless you were very close to them.
From time to time we reached a point where we could see no trail or any trailmarkers ahead of us. We would fan out, keeping each other in sight / calling distance and search for the next trail marker.
That day it was wicked windy and often super foggy. But sometimes when we found the next marker the fog would blow away and we would look back and see a very clear path between the trail markers - one we could not see when we were going forward.
Besides the trail markers, occasionally there were also sign posts to indicate various trails or points of interest, there were two of note that we encountered on this hike that I have looked back and thought about many times.
One was still firmly planted and visible - but no words were left on the sign erased by time or wind or rain. We came across this early on our hike and thought it was pretty funny.
The other sign which we encountered later in our hike when we were no longer so confident we were on the right path and wanted some confirmation. It had all the words clearly painted on with arrows, however, this one was splintered into pieces laying on the ground by the post.
Each had an element we needed, but neither was actually helpful. With our 20/20 hindsight we can laugh about them now, but that second sign made us pause and increased our concern at the time. However, both of them also made us feel that we could and should keep moving forward.
So sometimes a sign may be just that, not an answer, not direction, but reassurance, encouragement. Something that makes us willing to take just one more step and go from there.
And, when we are paused on our path, needing to make a decision, unsure about how to move forward, I know God doesn’t leave us alone there AND that He won’t always tell us what to do, especially if we are just standing there waiting.
I know God asks us to remember so that we can look back and see times when things worked out, so that we can have enough faith to take another step in our uncertain present.
I also know He wants us to do this together. My hike and my snowshoeing adventures would have been different alone, but surrounded by other people who are also doing their best to move forward in positive ways, our experiences are better.
Thank you for being with me today on this part of my path. Thank you to each of you who help keep me in sight or calling distance, those who check in, who care, who pray for me. I appreciate you being God’s hands in my life.
I am so grateful for the dual blessings of prayer and scripture study in my life - tethers that draw me closer to God and provide stepping stones for me to walk on, even if I can’t see them until I turn around and look back, sometimes years and years later.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
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