What I Want to Be

A friend of mine told me that he recently fell in love with a song called "Someone to Fall Back On" so I looked it up, and I fell in love too.

The lyrics from this song capture what I want to be. Or the way I want to be perceived. I want to be strong enough to support others. I want to not care about how I may appear from a distance. I want to be aware of the struggles and sorrows of others and do my part to share and lift their burdens.

I also want to get better at realizing that we don't really need much - but we all do need someone to "fall back on" or lean on or trust or who is just there for us no matter what.

Here are the lyrics (AKA my new mission statement):

I am no prince, I am no saint, I am not anyone's wildest dream,
But I can stand behind and be someone to fall back on.

Some comedy-- You're bruised and beaten down
And I'm the one who's looking for a favor.
Still, honestly, you don't believe me
But the things I have are the things you need.

You look at me like I don't make sense,
Like a waste of time, like it serves no purpose -
I am no prince, I am no saint, & if that's what you believe you need,
You're wrong - you don't need much, you need someone to fall back on

And I'll be that, I'll take your side.
If I'm the only one, I'm used to that.
I've been alone, I'd rather be
The half of us, the least of you, the best of me.

And I will be your prince, I'll be your saint,
I will go crashing through fences
In your name. I will, I swear -
I'll be someone to fall back on!
I'll be the one who waits,

And for as long as you'll let me,
I will be the one you need.
I'll be someone to fall back on your prince, your saint,
The one you believe you need
I'll be - I'll be someone to fall back on.

Just Enough

Something I've been observing about myself lately is that I care just enough to be saddened by, intrigued about, or frustrated because of things, but not enough to actually do anything about them.

Take for example the flute and piano - I like to think that I love them and want to play them. Do I play either one well? No. Do I do anything about that? No. Sigh.

Maybe this public forum isn't the place to write, or think aloud if you will, about such things. But, there is a part of me that hopes that by putting this out there publicly I'll gain the motivation to do something about something.

Rejoice in Repentance

"Repentance is a divine gift, and there should be a smile on our faces when we speak of it. It points us to freedom, confidence, and peace."

Last week in Church all the talks in Sacrament Meeting were about repentance. These were great reminders to me and I was inspired to re-listen to a talk on repentance from last October's General Conference by Elder D. Todd Christofferson. The quote above and the quotes below come from this talk.

"Without repentance, there is no real progress or improvement in life."

This phrase has really helped me feel that we should rejoice in repentance - I want to progress and improve. I want to remove guilt or shame from my life. I want to know that my Heavenly Father is pleased with me and the choices I'm currently making. I know that repentance is what helps me fee the peace that I crave.

"Pretending there is no sin does not lessen its burden and pain. Suffering for sin does not by itself change anything for the better. Only repentance leads to the sunlit uplands of a better life. And, of course, only through repentance do we gain access to the atoning grace of Jesus Christ and salvation."   

 This quote stopped me in my tracks. I'll admit - there are times when I think suffering is exactly what I should do if I do something wrong. I'm reminded that I have repeatedly been taught that Christ suffered for our sins in Gethsemane and on the cross at Calvary that we do not have to be alone in our suffering, and so that we can turn our pain over to he who already suffered for us. It is also very powerful to me that pretending something was not "wrong", or "not that big a deal", or it was "just that once" may temporarily make us feel justified, but it cannot take away the burden and pain that inevitably follow sin.

"If we do not invite others to change or if we do not demand repentance of ourselves, we fail in a fundamental duty we owe to one another and to ourselves."

The first thing that comes to mind when I read this passage is the invitation that Christ continually gave to others during his mortal ministry: "Come, follow me". That is what we should be doing - inviting ourselves and each other to be more like Christ. Since none of us are perfect, as he was, we will always find things we can either stop doing, or start doing in order to become more like him. As we both purge our lives of poor choices, and fill our lives with good choices we are choosing to repent. And we will become better people.

"Perhaps as much as praying for mercy, we should pray for time and opportunity to work and strive and overcome. Surely the Lord smiles upon one who desires to come to judgment worthily, who resolutely labors day by day to replace weakness with strength."

What a concept! I have been striving to implement this idea this week. Of course I'm going to make mistakes. That is why God sent us to this earth - to learn through our experience. What God wants is for us to evaluate the choices we are making and continually strive to make better ones. Asking "for time and opportunity to work and strive and overcome" means we know we have not been doing exactly what we should, it demonstrates a true desire to change (or repent), and it is an active way for us to use our agency.

"Real repentance, real change may require repeated attempts, but there is something refining and holy in such striving."

What comfort this phrase brings to me! Instead of beating myself up when I make the same mistakes over and over again, I can remind myself that I am choosing to refine myself instead of choosing to give up on myself. Real change can, and will happen. But, it will not always be easy - or happen the first time we try.

"True repentance is not superficial."

Repentance requires a deep down, fundamental change. It means giving up habits and changing patters. It means literally becoming a new man (or woman!) through Christ - by choosing to become more like him. No, that is not superficial. So, superficial attempts will not work.

". . . whatever the cost of repentance, it is swallowed up in the joy of forgiveness."

What a beautiful reminder - the whole talk is beautiful - you can read or listen to it: The Divine Gift of Repentance

Those of your needs that you don't let show

I'm not usually very good at opening up to people. I've developed well my skills to listen and support. I've worked hard to become strong and have a great desire to become self-sufficient.

While my goal to be self-sufficient and to help other is good, I've also come to realie that in my life it is not in balance. Not allowing myself to open up, to trust others, and to allow them to ehlp me is actually slefish, and inhibits my own growth and hte growth of those around me.

It has become very clear to me that pride factors into my feelings and behavior.

There were times in my recent transitions that I was able to humble myself and open up, and some that lead to some very helpful advice and situations.

First, I did everything in my power to set up transitional housing (a necessity). At the last second, it fell through. I was stressed. I chose to open up and tell others my dilemma. A former roommate offered her parents home to me, other friends offered couches for varying lengths of times, and a family I knew offered a spare room. I felt so loved and watched out for.

Later, while still looking for a job, I visited my brother. At Church, the leader of his congregation talked about how important it is to let others know our situations if we expect to receive help. As someone responsible for the temporal well being of his congregation, he said "If you want to see me angry, let me be surprised by a crisis"

Again, I was reminded that keeping all our pain, trails, frustrations, or potential crisis to ourselves is not productive and puts those how could help us in a difficult situation. If we open up sooner, we minimize the likelihood that things will become a crisis - and we allow ourselves and others to grow.

These thoughts have been on my mind for some time. Glad I finally got them on paper - or cyberspace . . . and I hope they are cohesive :)

If not, read these lyrics that convey what I want to do for others and let them do for me:

Lean on me, Bill Withers

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have faith you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

Whether it's a bookmark or a quarter, God cares

I can't go to bed without sharing this one.

A few days ago I got a package in the mail from my family that included a magnetic bookmark my brother brought home for me from Russia. I LOVED it the moment I saw it. I was so excited that I started using it immediately.

Tonight as I was getting on the elevator I went to move the bookmark from towards the end of the book back to mark my place. It was gone.

I wanted to cry (in fact, my eyes did tear up a bit . . .) and I had to call my brother, who I hadn't even had a chance to thank for the gift to let him know that while I really appreciated what he sent me, I no longer had it in my possession. I was crushed.

My brother was so, so nice about it. He told me he was sad for me, but that it was alright. He even had another one that was not so perfect for me, but that he could send me as a replacement. I asked him to tell me the English translation of the Russian words on the bookmark.

The literal translation: You are expensive in God's eyes. Or, in a little less literal terms, You are very valuable in the eyes of God.

I said a little prayer in my heart that went something like this: God, I know this is not a big deal, but if it's not a big deal for me to find it, can that happen? I'd really like it and it means so much that this is what my brother picked for me personally.

My assumption was that the bookmark fell out on the train. And I told myself I'd re-trace my steps in the morning and see if I could find it (I'm going back to the same place in the morning anyway.) As I thought about it, I realized that if there was any chance of finding it, the sooner I looked the better the chances were. Despite being dressed for bed, I decided to put shoes and my coat back on and at least go see if it had dropped between the train platform and my door. It had! I found it right by the turnstile I exited through earlier this evening.

This time I really teared up. I felt the truth of the words of J. Devn Cornish in a talk titled The Privilege of Prayer:

"In His mercy, the God of heaven, the Creator and Ruler of all things everywhere, had heard a prayer about a very minor thing. One might well ask why He would concern Himself with something so small. I am led to believe that our Heavenly Father loves us so much that the things that are important to us become important to Him, just because He loves us."

Here is his story that helped teach him that same lesson:

When I was a young resident physician at Boston Children’s Hospital, I worked long hours and traveled between the hospital and our home in Watertown, Massachusetts, mostly by bicycle since my wife and young family needed our car. One evening I was riding home after a long period in the hospital, feeling tired and hungry and at least a bit discouraged. I knew I needed to give my wife and four small children not only my time and energy when I got home but also a cheery attitude. I was, frankly, finding it hard to just keep pedaling.

My route would take me past a fried chicken shop, and I felt like I would be a lot less hungry and tired if I could pause for a piece of chicken on my way home. I knew they were running a sale on thighs or drumsticks for 29 cents each, but when I checked my wallet, all I had was one nickel. As I rode along, I told the Lord my situation and asked if, in His mercy, He could let me find a quarter on the side of the road. I told Him that I didn’t need this as a sign but that I would be really grateful if He felt to grant me this kind blessing.

I began watching the ground more intently but saw nothing. Trying to maintain a faith-filled but submissive attitude as I rode, I approached the store. Then, almost exactly across the street from the chicken place, I saw a quarter on the ground. With gratitude and relief, I picked it up, bought the chicken, savored every morsel, and rode happily home.

For me, that very minor thing was a bookmark, for J. Devn Cornish it was a quarter. Either way, I do know that God hears prayers, even about seemingly little things. I know that He wants us to be happy, and since little things can tip the scales one way or the other, it is no surprise to me that little things are important to Him. For that I am very, very grateful.

The Whole is the Sum of the Parts

Peter Buffet talked about a concept in his book Life is What you Make of It that really resonated with me. He said that each of us must act as though our part is the most important part.

He was not saying that we should be egotistical or that we are more important than anyone else. Rather, he was teaching the same idea that Paul conveyed to the Corinthians:

14 For the body is not one member, but many.

15 If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body?

16 And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body?

17 If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling?

18 But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him.

19 And if they were all one member, where were the body?

20 But now are they many members, yet but one body.

21 And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.

22 Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary:

1 Corinthians 12:14-22

I learned the same lesson while involved in theater and band in high school and college.

It's all about each part coming together. Without any one of those parts the entire presentation or production is not complete, whole, or perfect.

Said another way, if each part or person does not function optimally, the whole is sub-par. And when every part of person gives their absolute best, everyone is elevated.

26 And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.

1 Corinthians 12:26

Really a Question of Faith

Many times I have thought to myself "I am so glad I live after the birth, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I feel it would be so much harder to believe in something that hadn't happened yet." I've been thinking a little more about that lately, and had some interesting realizations.

For one thing, I realized that there is no amount of physical evidence (be that a written record, or visiting Jerusalem or anything else) that can PROVE that Christ lived, died and rose from the dead. In that sense, the written or oral accounts of Christ and his role as Savior compiled before he lived on this earth, while he lived on this earth or after he was resurrected are not really that different. Accepting those accounts is a  matter of faith. I can feel a confirmation of truth in my heart through the Holy Ghost just as easily as someone who lived hundreds of years before Christ was born could.

As I was reading from the Book of Mormon during my commute earlier this week, I came across a wonderful passage of scripture that expounds on this idea. There is a group of people who have recently been converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ and struggled to repent of all their sins and fully turn their lives over to God. They are about to be attacked by their enemies, and turn to their king to know what they should do. Here is part of what the king tells his people:

10 And I also thank my God, yea, my great God, that he hath granted unto us that we might repent of these things, and also that he hath forgiven us of those our many sins and murders which we have committed, and taken away the guilt from our hearts, through the merits of his Son.

11 And now behold, my brethren, since it has been all that we could do (as we were the most lost of all mankind) to repent of all our sins and the many murders which we have committed, and to get God to take them away from our hearts, for it was all we could do to repent sufficiently before God that he would take away our stain—

12 Now, my best beloved brethren, since God hath taken away our stains, and our swords have become bright, then let us stain our swords no more with the blood of our brethren.

13 Behold, I say unto you, Nay, let us retain our swords that they be not stained with the blood of our brethren; for perhaps, if we should stain our swords again they can no more be washed bright through the blood of the Son of our great God, which shall be shed for the atonement of our sins.

14 And the great God has had mercy on us, and made these things known unto us that we might not perish; yea, and he has made these things known unto us beforehand, because he loveth our souls as well as he loveth our children; therefore, in his mercy he doth visit us by his angels, that the plan of salvation might be made known unto us as well as unto future generations.

Alma 24:10-14

These verses reveal a deep commitment to the complete lifestyle change these individuals undertook. Their commitment was so deep that they would rather die than ever kill another human being. Verse 14 was especially striking to me - this king had complete faith that Christ would come to earth and perform the atonement. He knew that Christ's sacrifice would open the door to eternal life, contingent upon the choices of the individual and their willingness to repent. He also praises God for "[making] these things known to us beforehand, because he loveth our souls as well as he loveth our children."

There it is - one of the bedrocks of my faith - God loves ALL His children, yesterday, today and forever. He will make, and always has made, truth known to those that seek it. For all mankind in all generations of time, the question is whether we will exercise faith and seek that knowledge.