Twelve Songs of Christmas, Day 1: Christmas Shoes

Last year I had a vision of writing about lyrics from Christmas songs that inspired me for the twelve days leading up to Christmas. The days passed by and suddenly there were only six days until Christmas. But I did it anyway – a song a day.

This year, I’m getting my act together earlier and making this happen on the twelve days leading up to Christmas. For me, the song lyrics help in my quest to keep Christ at the center of Christmas – to remind me of the real meaning, to focus on giving and sharing of love and goodwill towards mankind.

“As we prepare for Christmas, shopping and decorating fill our days, while parties and renewing old friendships bring us excitement.

But always in the background—in the malls, in stores, on the radio and in churches—being sung by choices, children, and carolers is the music that serves to remind us of the reason for the season. 

Christmas songs are one of the oldest traditions of the holiday and these memorable sounds help recapture the true spirit of Christmas."

-The Sounds of Christmas, by Pam Griffin

This first song is a song I’ve heard described as “overplayed” by many people. It may be true. But it is also true that it is a song that I can rarely listen to without crying. Part of the reason is that it reminds me of how much we can learn from little children.

Here are some selected lyrics:

The Christmas Shoes
by NewSong

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes
His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if mama meets Jesus tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me

He said mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
And I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great

…

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

While on this earth, Christ spoke with and made time for children. And he chastised his disciples when they tried to send away little children that had been brought unto him:

Matthew 19:14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

I’m grateful for children – for how they help keep the magic, and purpose, of Christmas front and center.

I’m also grateful for the reminder that we have a choice in how we look at things – we can stay like the person at the beginning of the song, noticing only how long the line is, the annoying (pacing) behavior of those around us, the amount of time it takes for others needs to be met (counting out of coins) – or we can look for the intent and love behind the actions of others.

The role of perception is highlighted in Merry and Bright by Debbie Macomber:

Parents stood with them [children] as the children squirmed. Jayson couldn’t imagine the nightmare of standing in line with a bunch of fussy kids. Mary, however, had exactly the opposite reaction.

“Aren’t the children adorable?”

…

“Look at those parents,” he commented. “They’re exhausted, the kids are fussy, and Santa looks like he’s completely worn out.”

“That’s what you see?” she asked, sounding shocked.

“You mean you don’t?”

“No!” She stopped in front of the window. “I see that little girl in the ballerina-style dress entertaining her little brother and telling him all about Santa and those two mothers chatting happily, sharing experiences and information. As for Santa, he’s the best. …”

Jayson paused, trying to see it through Mary’s eyes, and realized she was right.

My goal: see Christmas through the eyes of a child this season – full of wonder, excitement and love.

Casting Care Upon God

I too often find myself feeling sorry for myself. Seeing the success and good fortune of others and reading that as a sign that I can’t, or at least won’t, have success either.

One of my recurring fears is not that someone won’t love me, but that someone can’t love me.

In the light of day, while putting words on paper, most of me can see [or hope] that this is not true, or that this is a demon whispering in my ear.

But inside my head (where I apparently spend too much time), this feels real, inevitable, inescapable.

We all have good and evil inside us. We all have damaging thoughts and healing thoughts.

Someone has characterized these as wolves. And which wolf wins – the good or the bad?

The one we feed.

In church yesterday, my bishop shared a few comments at the end of our Sacrament meeting that got me thinking:

“We believe in a God of abundance.
But we live in a world of scarcity.”

It is true. If one person gets a specific job someone else can’t have that job. If one person gets a scholarship that money is not available for anyone else.

And that reality is true for other things as well, including dating.

But the abundance that God offers us is so much more than any of those things. We all can feel peace. We all have access to God’s love. We all have the benefit of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. We all have access to the guidance of the Holy Ghost. Every single person on earth, as much as we need, all at the same time, forever.

Wow.

That is certainly the wolf I want to feed.

So how do I access that abundance?

This morning I had one way come to my attention while reading in 1 Peter 5:6-7:

“Humble [yourself] therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: [Cast] all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”

I can’t keep it rolling around in my head, I have to cast my care upon God.

What first came to my mind was a visual of fishing with my grandpa. Using the proper flick of my wrist to send my fishing line singing through the air to plop in the water far away.

Thinking of that experience I also realized that it is not just about sending something away. That sending out is crucial, but what is beautiful is that you get something back. And God, our abundant God, is going to give us beautiful things when we are willing and able to cast our cares on him.

Things I want to cast away:

• Negative thoughts
• Envy of others good fortune
• My tendency to dwell on my mistakes
• Poor self-image

Even if I got nothing in return besides having less of that in my life, that would be pretty incredible!

"Put some lipstick on and smile"

We all say things that are taken in a way we didn't mean.

We also all say things without having any idea the impact they will have.

This happened to me last Saturday night. I was in a place I knew was good to be - listening to an apostle of Jesus Christ give advice and share wisdom and life experience with a room full of people eager to hear his words - and more importantly council from our Heavenly Father.

It was a beautiful evening full of gems that I recorded and am grateful to have been present for.

In the closing minutes came a phrase that is still ringing in my ears and making my heart hurt a bit:

"Ladies put on some lipstick and smile."

What did he mean by that phrase? I don't know.

What did it mean for me? Being transported back to my 19-year-old self in a vulnerable moment.

I was on the way to the bank with one of my college friends who kindly agreed to take me to deposit my work-study paycheck (yep, pre-direct deposit AND pre-bank apps allowing you to upload photos of checks to deposit them). In fairness, I don't remember the context of our conversation, but I do remember what he told me (or what my head and heart heard): "You'll never get married because you don't wear make-up, you don't like dogs, and you can't eat chocolate."

My brain and heart believed those words. "He's right," I thought to myself.

While most of the time I no longer believe those words, they have had a long-lasting impact on me.

And the reality is that nothing in my life has proven them wrong. I've never been someone that guys seek after. I've heard and thought over a million reasons why, and the no make-up factor has come up more than once both externally and internally.

Also, let me give some context - the first time I wore make-up was in fourth grade when I was in a play at school. Make-up made me someone I wasn't. And that trend continued through high school as I continued to participate in stage performances. In addition to wearing make-up for performances, a few times friends really wanted to give me a makeover - and the same thing, it made me feel like someone other people wanted me to be.

Besides, make-up is expensive. And it takes precious time (which is limited!) that I'd rather put into other things.

But, there are times when I worry - "Is this the reason guys don't ask me out? If I did wear make-up would that change things?" And one of the most difficult thoughts for me personally is this one: people will sometimes say "You're doing everything you can/should." and my mind tells me, "No I'm not, I don't wear make-up."

So, an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ says, "Ladies put on some lipstick and smile," and I groan and involuntarily throw my head back.

My 19-year-old self is back, believing that I'll never get married and part of the reason is because of something I could change.

This is not a plea for people to tell me I'm beautiful, or don't need make-up, or should wear make-up. It's just an experience - and a reminder to me, and to others, that people have "sorrow that the eye can't see" (Lord, I Would Follow Thee) and sometimes things we say hit those nerves. It's a reminder to be more kind to ourselves and to those around us. That the things we say matter - they affect people in ways we often do not know, both for good and bad.

Oh, and a song I was listening to today brought all these thoughts and feelings together and gave me the courage to write this post:

"Make-up hides her face
'Cause she feels out of place
She cries
Come on someone tell this girl she's beautiful
We don't gotta run, we don't gotta hide
When someone needs somebody
We don't need to say, we don't got the time"

-The Vision of Love, Kris Allen

Lessons Learned Roller Skating

"When was the last time you were on roller skates?" While waiting for a response from the driver's seat I tried to remember when I last laced up a pair myself.

Ice skates? A few times over the last couple of years. Roller skates? I don't even know.

"At least ten years," drifted over from behind the steering wheel.

Once we arrived at the skating rink, I repeated this query to another friend as we pulled on brown skates with bright orange wheels.  "I can't even tell you how many decades it's been," was her slightly anxious response.

We all tentatively rolled onto the hardwood floor of the rink, holding onto each other and the yellow rail along the wall.

Some people got their roller legs faster than others.

One woman not in our group zipped past - forward, backward, sideways. It was impressive and intimidating. Something inside me wanted to rise to the challenge (self-imposed, not externally issued!) and skate around the entire rink backward.

Rolling over to the edge I stopped my forward inertia by grabbing onto the yellow railing. Carefully I turned my body around and tried to figure out how to translate forward skating motions into backward ones.

Using what I already knew, I decided to go with the in and out motion that has worked on ice rinks.

Mostly by accident (trying not to fall or do the splits....) I learned that doing a squat gives increased momentum. Similar to leaning forward when skating forward - one translation of movements made!

It was painfully slow. Part of me felt embarrassed - I knew the way I was flailing around/ contorting my body was not flattering or impressive. My friends lapped me countless times. The talented skater also zoomed by more times than I wanted to know about.

There were many moments when I glanced (or stared longer than I should politely...) at my fellow skaters filled with thoughts like these:

-"Why am I making a fool of myself in front of people who are so much better than me?"
-"Whoa, I'm not brave enough to even try a move like that!"
-"What's wrong with me? this shouldn't be so hard!"
-"Man, she's never even skated before, and she's way better than me!"

Then my brain reminded me how learning works: A little at a time. Over a period of time.

If I let my insecurity or my lack of quick progress or the skills of others hold me back I'd never get better.

On one pass by the most experienced skater there, I heard, "You're already getting better!" waft encouragingly from this stranger. I felt my confidence grow a tiny bit. "And your butt's going to look great tomorrow!" floated back when she was already out of sight. I couldn't help the grin, hold back the giggle or restrain my fist pump (and it didn't make me fall - maybe she was right, I was getting better!)

I made it around the rink.

I paused by the tables to chat with some friends. I took my phone out of my pocket - no need for a cracked screen! Emboldened, I started rolling backward away to go back to the rink and promptly fell, hard, on my butt (that should look great tomorrow ;)

Laughing, the way we all do when the alternative is crying or dying of embarrassment, I accepted the proffered hand to pull me back up.

Isn't that what matters? Getting back up when we fall.

Do I really believe that? At that moment I did. I went back out and skated more. Both forward and backward.

Thinking about this experience (through sore muscles that made me question afresh the wisdom of my choices!) a couple of scriptures came to mind:

Mosiah 4:27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

Doctrine & Covenants 10:4 Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be diligent unto the end.

This idea - that we should not run faster than we have strength - is one that comes up often in my mind, and in conversations in church classes or with family and friends. It is complicated for me in part by the balancing end of those verses: "it is expedient [to] be diligent" and "all things must be done in order" as well as "be diligent unto the end".

Those additions remove the "well, guess I don't have to work too hard" aspect for me. It turns it into a "don't get upset if it takes longer than you want, or is harder than you anticipated - just keep going. As you do things in order, build up a little at a time, you'll get there if you just persist diligently."

Thank you skating rink and fellow skaters for reteaching me this lesson.

It's not so much time for me to pick up my pace, but time for me to get up, again, and keep moving forward on those things I care about and want to improve.

Old Friends

Friends: People who know you and love you anyway

While reading Graceful by Wendy Mass there was a line that jumped out at me:

"...no one knows you like your childhood friends..."

I've been thinking about friendship a lot lately. My Journal typing project has brought back a lot of memories and made me extremely grateful that we get to learn and grow through life. And even more grateful for those who walk along that path of growth with me.

During a phone call with one of those childhood friends, we were discussing some of the current challenges of life. They look different than the ones I'm transcribing from my junior high journal, but they don't feel that different. Feelings still get hurt. Life still throws us curve balls. We still need a listening ear and to feel like someone cares and wants what is best for us.

My friend spoke these words into the airwaves across the nearly 2,000 miles separating us:

"...even if we're not physically close, I rely on you. I know you care and know me."

As someone who has moved quite a bit, I know that developing relationships with people in the place you are now is important -- a huge, necessary, support. BUT I don't know what I would do without the connections and bonds that traverse longer distances of time, and in my case, also longer distances of space.

Another childhood friend of mine I don't get to see very often since we both moved far from our childhood homes and live on opposite sides of the country.  Her friendship and support is still something I can feel and that I definitely value in my life. She was the only locker partner I ever had. I trust her completely. I am so grateful for the memories and shared experiences we enjoy.

In her parent's bathroom they had a saying:

Make new friends, keep the old.
One is silver, the other is gold.

That sentiment is also conveyed in a song lyric that has lodged in my brain:

I believe we gotta forgive and make amends
'Cause nobody gets a second chance to make new old friends
-

"Most People Are Good" by Luke Bryan

These things have been on my mind, and then Facebook brought up a memory of my roommates outside our house around the time we graduated from college. The same song lyric came to me: "...nobody gets a second chance to make new old friends" and I realized this is also true of each time we start over.

When I moved to Boston the first time I was sitting by myself at Church. A friendly voice asked if I was new. Turns out, she was too. "We're going to be friends!" she proclaimed. And we were. And still over a decade later. What a great old Boston friend she is! And when we both ended up in NYC, guess what, I was incredibly grateful to see her there.

As I've processed through writing these thoughts out, I've come to decide two things:

1. We should try to maintain existing relationships. They are gold.
2. We should remain open to building and cultivating new relationships too - they will become existing relationships that we value and find more precious than gold.