Sacrament Talk Aug 2024: Remember

Thank you to all of you who say yes when we ask you to speak - I know it is intimidating to get up here, but it is also intimidating to ask people to do so!

I realized maybe I’ve lived here too long, when we played two truths and a lie at a pod potluck and I realized many of the things I often use to trick people are now common knowledge.

So, I dug deep and I decided to try out a few new options here:

#1: I stopped someone from using a knife at school

#2: I fell off a swing set and broke my arm

#3: I was hired with a handshake in a bar

You may not know which of those is a lie, but this is true - my name is Nicole Smith. Also, I am moving this week - but, just a couple miles up the road, so you’re stuck with me at least another year. I’ve been back in the Boston area since 2017, happy to be living in the city of my soul and am glad I can continue to call this corner of the world home.

Transition points can be challenging, and when I am at them (like now with moving) I find myself looking to the past, hoping to learn something from my former self and past experiences as well as the experiences of others close and far from me in time and space (to translate that, I love to read books and learn from people in them, those who actually lived, and those who sprang from someone’s imagination)

One thing that has been a consistent reality in my life is how much I care about people. My brother Craig has called me a collector of people. I strive to live up to that!

And one of the reasons I care so much about people can be explained in these lyrics:

I’m trying to be like Jesus;

I’m following in his ways.

I’m trying to love as he did, in all that I do and say.

• I’m Trying to Be like Jesus

Often I find myself wanting to do this very thing - be like Jesus, do what He would have done (side note, I was jealous of people who had those WWJD wristbands when I was growing up!) Sometimes my wanting leaves me feeling inadequate. I focus more on the “like Jesus” part than the “trying” part.

And then I find myself grateful for scriptures, like these ones:

Luke 2:52 And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.

Doc & Cov 93:11-13: 11 And I, John, bear record that I beheld his glory, as the glory of the Only Begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth, even the Spirit of truth, which came and dwelt in the flesh, and dwelt among us.

12 And I, John, saw that he received not of the fulness at the first, but received grace for grace;

13 And he received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness;

I can’t tell you exactly what these scriptures mean, but I know they have been balm to my soul and helped me shift my attention and focus to the growth part, the increase part.

But, then I start asking myself other questions like: Am I making progress? Have I grown in grace or wisdom or favor with God?

I love words. I find that focusing on one word in my scripture study often has really powerful impacts on me. As in I will open the Topical Guide and go to a word (right now I am looking at Ask where I went after looking at Question because I felt like I needed to be more intentional about the questions I am asking God). Then I open each scripture listed, read it and see what I learn from the verse with that word in mind.

A word I have noodled on more than once over the years is Remember.

This is a commandment, an invitation, a comfort that we are offered over and over again. Including each week in the sacrament prayers and in the sacrament hymn we sang last week:

Let us remember and be sure

Our hearts and hands are clean and pure.

• While of These Emblems We Partake

I’m still noodling on how to “remember and be sure” - if you have insight, let’s chat!

Remember. It must be important. 

Often I understand things better by what they are not than what they are.

I have come to know that remembering is not ruminating.

I am very good at circling back to things that did not go well - the dumb thing I said or did, when I failed to follow through on a prompting, etc. And then I remember, but only in abstract, something Malachi Johnson told us in a talk - about a huge percentage of our thoughts being a) recycled (one’s we have thought before) and b) negative.

Looking back at the past can put us in negative or positive cycles. Negative things put me more into rumination, recrimination, shaming and a loss of hope.

Remembering puts me more in a hopeful, constructive, positive space. It allows me to recognize where and how I have grown, allows me to see strengths, things I have been able to share with others, talents I have cultivated.

Right now I am working on some projects that have me looking at the past and remember in specific ways - I have been going through all my old Google Photos, so I am literally seeing so many things, and mostly good ones - turns out I am more likely to snap a pic when I am happy or when there is something I want to remember! And, I have been going through in part to collect pictures for an exhibit I am planning, something I am excited about, which brings some joy to this remembering project.

I am also typing up my past journals. There are many days where I didn’t say anything of consequence. And there are days when I clearly did some ruminating on paper. Plenty of ups and downs. But I am often so grateful to my former self for something I recorded. I appreciate the insight regained. It makes me think this is another reason we have been given scripture, and asked to remember: There is so much good that we can learn, and relearn, and learn new things from if we take the time to ponder and reflect.

I’ve been typing up some entries from another time I thought I might be leaving Boston - a time when I had a total blank slate before me, where I didn’t feel I had any direction about what to do or where to go.

{Side note, I have found myself singing / praying lyrics from this hymn many times in my life - “I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord, I’ll do what you want me to do, say what you want me to say, I’ll be what you want me to be” and yet being unwilling to do / say / be without being told what that is - very often I think God is waiting for us to use our agency for good, to not be a slothful servant needing to be commanded in all things.}

And so, I am reminded of a truth I will try to illustrate through a couple vignettes from my past:

“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards” ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Or in a common phrase: Hindsight is 20/20

This is something I shared in a testimony, back when it happened, but feel to share it again: During a ward activity, I was snowshoeing with two wonderful women from our ward. I had only done this once before years ago and was excited to try it out again and grateful someone had snowshoes I could borrow. It was a lovely, sunny, not too cold day and I was looking forward to some time in nature with two awesome women. We chatted and laughed and lamented that there wasn’t more snow to really enjoy these snowshoes with. 

Then we took the less traveled path away from the ski slopes. Soon there was a sign “Experts only” I snapped a pic with the sign, a questioning look on my face. 

Certainly I wasn’t an expert snowshoer, but I may have a healthy (or unhealthy?) dose of belief in my ability to do hard things, and trust in people around me, so I traipsed along after my friends. Several times we could not see the trail. It appeared signs were missing, then, when we looked behind us there were some on the trees. So, by looking both in front and behind us, we continued up the trail.

This made me remember another time in nature where signs, or the lack thereof, shaped the experience of our hike. 

Towards the end of my time living in Ketchikan, Alaska - I gathered my brother Jacob and two friends to tackle a 14 mile traverse to complete my goal to do all the hikes reachable without a seaplane. The trail markers for most of this trail were metal posts with a metal diamond towards the top. Many of them were blown over to a 45 degree angle, impossible to see unless you were very close to them.

From time to time we reached a point where we could see no trail or any trailmarkers ahead of us. We would fan out, keeping each other in sight / calling distance and search for the next trail marker.

That day it was wicked windy and often super foggy. But sometimes when we found the next marker the fog would blow away and we would look back and see a very clear path between the trail markers - one we could not see when we were going forward.

Besides the trail markers, occasionally there were also sign posts to indicate various trails or points of interest, there were two of note that we encountered on this hike that I have looked back and thought about many times.

One was still firmly planted and visible - but no words were left on the sign erased by time or wind or rain. We came across this early on our hike and thought it was pretty funny.

The other sign which we encountered later in our hike when we were no longer so confident we were on the right path and wanted some confirmation. It had all the words clearly painted on with arrows, however, this one was splintered into pieces laying on the ground by the post.

Each had an element we needed, but neither was actually helpful. With our 20/20 hindsight we can laugh about them now, but that second sign made us pause and increased our concern at the time. However, both of them also made us feel that we could and should keep moving forward.

So sometimes a sign may be just that, not an answer, not direction, but reassurance, encouragement. Something that makes us willing to take just one more step and go from there.

And, when we are paused on our path, needing to make a decision, unsure about how to move forward, I know God doesn’t leave us alone there AND that He won’t always tell us what to do, especially if we are just standing there waiting.

I know God asks us to remember so that we can look back and see times when things worked out, so that we can have enough faith to take another step in our uncertain present.

I also know He wants us to do this together. My hike and my snowshoeing adventures would have been different alone, but surrounded by other people who are also doing their best to move forward in positive ways, our experiences are better.

Thank you for being with me today on this part of my path. Thank you to each of you who help keep me in sight or calling distance, those who check in, who care, who pray for me. I appreciate you being God’s hands in my life.

I am so grateful for the dual blessings of prayer and scripture study in my life - tethers that draw me closer to God and provide stepping stones for me to walk on, even if I can’t see them until I turn around and look back, sometimes years and years later.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Think you can't make a difference? Think again, and look right around you.

Last night I joined with some members of my church to do a service project.

While we were waiting for the supplies to start, one guy was telling us about talking to a friend of his in Poland who is helping to drive Ukrainian's out of their country to a (hopefully) safer place.

My heart swelled with gratitude for those how are doing what they can to help people in a terrible situation. But almost immediately after I let out a large sigh.

"That was an intense sigh," my friend said. "Everything okay?"

"Oh, just thinking I wish there was something I could do. Not get in a car and drive people, obviously [obvious because I am currently on the other side of the world], but something."

"I think you are probably already doing a lot of good where you are," was his response.

More people trickled in and the blanket supplies arrived. We started cutting and tying and chatting. The organizer thanked us for coming and said, "I didn't expect so many people!"

"Well, I think we all just want to be helping, and this is a very concrete thing we can do," I said.

Several people agreed.

Thinking back on that today I am reminded how we need to do what we can where we are. If we let the troubles of elsewhere keep us from taking action where we are now, we have lost an important opportunity.

If we become disheartened because we can't do what we feel most needs to be done, or if we think that what we can do couldn't make a big enough difference, we fail to add our part to our collective ability to make a difference.

We can't do everything, but we can all do something.

Today I feel more hopeful. Not because anything changed in the world, specifically in relation to Ukraine being invaded by Russia. But because I know there are still good people all doing even one small thing to bring peace and hope and warmth to people around them. And I know that together we can build the world we want to have.

Speaks to My Soul: Workin On It by Andy Grammer

I’m working on my goal to type up my journals.

Sometimes this is a very fun project and I look back and smile at fun memories or silly antics of my former self.

Other times this is a painful process.

I’m reminded of my flaws or see recurring negative behaviors and patterns in my life.

No one is perfect, I know that. And I’d like to think I don’t expect myself to be. But I do want to improve and grow.

While typing up some entries from my freshman year of college I was momentarily thrown into a funk – “See, you haven’t learned anything! Here you are two decades later making the same mistakes.”

These lyrics came to mind and calmed my heart:

It might be taking forever, but it's better than never

That feels true to me.

Here is how the song starts:

You know we're just working on it
No leaderboard keeping score
Long as you woke up this morning
And see you're working on it
It might be taking forever, but it's better than never

I was listening to a podcast that said we should ask ourselves: who created the benchmarks you are measuring yourself against?

If we are holding ourselves to someone else’s standard, we are likely to have a hard time measuring up, and to feel extra frustrated when we don’t meet the mark.

Instead, we can look at where we’ve come compared to where we want to be, or where we came from. And, spoiler alert, that is going to look different for each of us. And that is okay!

It don't sound like much, but for him, that's a revelation
You shoulda seen the pride in his eyes
When he said how far he's come from where he was

One of the things that consistently trips me up (in addition to seeing recurring bad habits/choices/patterns) is seeing how far I still have to go. Seeing all the things I hope no one else notices about me.

There are two phrases in this song that poetically convey that fear of mine:

We all got our monsters that don't see the day light
…
Skeletons you're hiding ain't gon' leave overnight

I wish I was okay with people seeing all of me. But I want to hide those monsters (but sometimes they sneak out anyway). I’m not proud of the skeletons I’m hiding (and I have definitely learned they won’t leave overnight!).

But, if I spend my time thinking about those monsters and skeletons, they have a way of sucking me back in, influencing my life and repeating cycles I thought I was done with.

And now you're back to chasing that watered-down love
You already know that ain't what you want

This stanza gives me great hope and direction I long to follow: 

Day by day, we fight the good fight
Maybe once in a while, we find the strength to be okay
And find some patience for ourselves
Don't be so hard upon yourself
Show some love to yourself

So today I’ll celebrate that I took time to finish writing a post, not worry about how long it took me.

I’ll acknowledge and believe the people who tell me that I am essentially good.

I’ll choose to take a step forward and not calculate either how far I’ve come or how far I still have to go.

It might be taking forever, but it's better than never
So go easy, easy
Everybody got ugly, ugly
You know we're just working on it

P.S. Check out the song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fH-hv8-c2UA

I wouldn’t have known, except….

When I worked for DC Public Schools, people would come up to me after community meetings often and say “I wouldn’t have known about this meeting if you hadn’t...” fill in the blank: "...put this flyer up at my son’s school" or “sent a robo call home” or “put it on your website.”

Often these comments were said as accusations, angrily implying we should have done more to let them know. I started asking people, “How would you have wanted us to let you know," and just listening to their answers, looking for ways to communicate out this information more effectively in the future.

This morning I was snoozing my alarm and saw a notification that a baseball game was cancelled / postponed due to the fatal shooting of Daunte Wright in Minnesota.

I started crying. I thought about a music video I’ve gone back to a number of times since discovering it last year.

One of my first thoughts was to text a friend of mine who is in that music video. Checking the date I felt bad that I didn’t know about this shooting before now, it happened two days ago.

Should I still reach out to my friend? What would/could/should I say?

Then I thought about those people in DC who would come up to me and tell me “I wouldn’t know, except…” this applies to more things than I realized.

What hit me this morning is it doesn’t have to just be negative.

Maybe I don’t know what to say. And maybe it would have been better if I had reached out sooner. But, my friend will never know I’m thinking about him or that his music video has made an impression on my life if I don’t tell him.

One truth I circle back to regularly is this - we don't reach out in love enough.

When you think of someone, reach out.

When you have a chance to let someone know they made a difference in your life, take it.

A text, a note in the mail, an email – they can be what causes someone to say “I would never have known, except” in a way that means “Thank you for letting me know I matter and made a difference for someone.”

I know I referenced this song in a recent post, but it is also applicable here - one person having an idea and acting on it can make a difference (listen to the song Genealogy of Revolution, or read my other post if you want to know more). 

I am just once person. That is a fact. But all the choices I make, including the things I choose not to do, they have an impact on others.

And if enough people do something, we can change the world.

We need people standing up and saying, "Enough, this has to stop. Things have to change."

I want to be one of those voices.

Black Lives Matter.

We have to change power dynamics in this country.

We have to change systems that enable senseless death and violence.

People won't know....unless we tell them.

Say it both ways:

Say "We won't stand for this" to people in power.

Say "I'm standing with you" to those people and communities facing loss.

People won't know....unless we tell them.

Line Upon Line: Easter Edition

Yesterday I had a new experience with the principle of learning line upon line.

[For more on that concept, see 2 Nephi 28:30, where Book of Mormon prophet Nephi talks about this concept he learned from the Lord God, that was also taught by his favorite biblical prophet Isaiah (see Isaiah 28:10)]

I was reading the Come Follow Me chapter about Easter. I had read a little the day before, and listened to 1 Corinthians 15, but felt like I “wasn’t very far” in my study.

While eating some banana bread, I pulled up the app. Mentally I was chastising myself for starting the day later than I wanted to, especially since it meant I was now multi-tasking – eating breakfast while studying my scriptures (not always a very productive or ideal situation for me personally).

But I bowed my head and prayed to my Heavenly Father. I thanked Him for the food I had to eat and told Him I wanted to learn from the scriptures and feel a greater connection to the Savior, especially in this Holy Week leading up to Easter.

This question was presented in the manual: What do you learn about the Living Christ from His words in Doctrine and Covenants 29:5, 38:7; 62:1?

I clicked the link in my app to the first reference and read

Doctrine and Covenants 29:5

5 Lift up your hearts and be glad, for I am in your midst, and am your advocate with the Father; and it is his good will to give you the kingdom.

After reading the whole verse, this is what I thought:

They, God and Christ, are generous and present

I read it again, and this is what came to mind:

Not only is Christ present, He is advocating for us

I read it once more: 

He wants us to be happy, and acknowledges that will take effort on our part - "lift up your hearts and be glad"

At this point I thought, it doesn’t really matter how fast I read, what matters is that I seek to know my Savior better as I read and ponder His words.

With that thought, I read the verse a final time. Instead of a one line thought, this is what I gleaned:

Reading Doc & Cov 29:5 several times continued to bring new insight (recorded above). This most recent time, I was hit by the last phrase, that it is God's good will to give us the kingdom. Sometimes the word, or role, of advocate implies to me that there is an uphill battle to be fought. That the advocate has to change the mind of the person they are presenting the case to. But that final phrase in the verse says God wants to give us the kingdom, not that He'll only bestow it grudgingly on a few. God is inclusive, not elite. He is doing all He can to help us succeed.

Part of the point of learning line upon line is that we can learn a little here and a little there. And sometimes, as we continue to seek knowledge, we are given deeper or greater insight.

What line are you hoping to add to?

I encourage you to take it to God in prayer. He is eager to teach and to bless us with increased knowledge.

I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am grateful to know that He is here – He rose from the grave after His crucifixion. He is on my side, and by my side. I can trust in Him and lean on Him. I can allow Him to lead me to God the Father.

I Want You to Know - You Matter, and I Care

Some of the books I’ve read lately have been heavy and deep. I found one that was deep but buoyant and I can’t get it off my mind.

Here in the Real World by Sara Pennypacker is beautiful. The 13-year-old protagonist is trying to figure out how he fits into the world and finds a pamphlet that says “Live a Purpose Driven Life”. He ponders on this for a while while being accused by his new friend of living in 'magic fairness land'.

Then he realizes this:

[Ware] did want the world to be more fair. It wasn't fair that more people didn't want the world to be fair.

..

"You're right that I don't think that you should just take it when bad things happen, but I don't want things to be magically what they are not. I want them to be what they could be and somebody has to want that, or nothing bad will ever get better."

While in grad school what feels like a million years ago, I wrote in the front of a composition notebook (which I still have) “I want to make a difference, not money.” Right now, I feel like I’m doing a great job of not making money, but am still working on making a difference.

I’m trying to remember that making a difference can happen on many levels. I don’t have to be globally recognized to make a difference. I can make a difference one-on-one in quiet, small ways. And that matters.

But that also doesn’t mean I have to stop trying to make a broader difference.

With these ideas swirling in my mind, I listened to the music from a show called We Live in Cairo again today. The lyrics from Genealogy of Revolution touches on this idea that one person having an idea and acting on it can make a difference.

I was one person
Who had an idea
Who made it words
And someone heard
Someone heard

Someone heard and took my words
Someone heard and took my words
And made them theirs
And made them theirs

...

I told my sister we could fail
Come anyway
Come anyway

Go to the square
Go to the square
You'll know the words when you are there
And know that millions come from thousands
Know that thousands come from hundreds
Know that hundreds come from two
Which comes from one person
Who had an idea
Who made it words
And someone heard
Someone heard

I think my biggest desire currently is to help people know they matter and that I care. And I want to help create a society where everything we do, the laws we have, the way our cities are set up, the way we hire people - all of it - shows the truth that human being matter by the way people are treated, and by how we collectively respond if someone or something violates that truth.

But perhaps more than many other things, this desire of mine can be beautifully executed one-on-one with every person I come in contact with.

So if you're reading this, know that you matter, and I care. And if you know me personally, hold me accountable for showing that truth in all my interactions.

Speaks to My Soul: Chapters by Brett Young

New years can be exciting, overwhelming, fun, frustrating – basically, a mixture of emotions and experiences.

For me they often feel like a chance to pause, to take stock. The turning of a page. The beginning of a chapter.

So, for my first Speaks to My Soul post of 2021, I chose to write about Chapters sung by Brett Young.

In this song, the story is about a boy wanting to play ball – and finding out his injury or physical limitations will not allow that to happen professionally:

Doc said you'll never play again
Worst thing I ever heard
It sounds rough, doesn't it?
I wish I knew back then

I bet each of us has at least one moment like that – where someone else tells us the “Worst thing [we] ever heard” and we think everything is over, there is no coming back from this set back.

There's no perfect life
You can't hold back time

I feel like 2020 taught this lesson over and over again. And often not perfect is REALLY not perfect. Not what we wanted, expected or would have chosen. But, “you can’t hold back time” – it marches forward no matter what we do.

It is also why there is no way to just “go back to normal”. Because things changed.

People.

Expectations.

World views.

And that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Truth is that we all got stories
Gotta fail on your way to glory
Takes time tryna get it right

A recurring thing I’ve felt, and witnessed in others, is the feeling that our life is a series of crashes and burns and others’ lives are a series of highlight reels. And a lot of social media feeds into this image – literally.

But, it is true – we all “gotta fail on [our] way to glory” and it certainly “Takes time tryna get it right” but the trying is worth it.

… every future has a past

And we can only get to the future by living now, and that now becomes our past and creates our future.

…right now I can hear God laughin'
Guess he must have heard my plans
And my odes, thought it was a joke
Gave me more than I could ask

Every page you turn
Is a lesson learned

This lyric speaks to why we can’t just go back. Because along the way we learn lessons. And we can carry those lessons and experiences and increased knowledge forward with us.

Ain't we all, ain't we all just tryna get it right?

I know I am. And I believe {most} other people are too. And I hope we all keep trying together, because I think we have great power to get things right – or at the very least to make them better, for everyone.

I wish I knew back then

This refrain in the song is near and dear to my heart. I said something similar when I relaunched my Etsy shop in 2020:

Sometimes we have to do hard things. Things that scare us.

For, well, years I've been standing on the edge asking if I'm ready and willing to take the leap and run my own business. So, I've dabbled here and there. Taken a step in one direction. Then taken five steps back into something more "safe".

I'm ready to try again!

There are so many sayings out there - "Better done than perfect" "One bird in your hand is better than two in the bush" - that remind me that sometimes we just have to leap.

And, I'm sure that this time will be like so many others:

I'll learn as I go

• Things will get better
• Looking back at some of the things I'm doing now will make me cringe
• I'll wish I had known now what I will know then

But, now is all I've got, and I'm going for it!

We can’t know now what we will know then. But, we can trust that we will learn and grow and gain knowledge as we continue to experience life, continue to turn the pages and chapters day by day.

Things change in the blink of an eyelid

Not in every blink, but we never know which blink will bring the changes.

If you know someone who just experienced one of those blink of an eyelid changes, send them some love. If you can look back now and have some level of gratitude for one of those changes in your life, drop a comment below and share so we can all learn, grow, support and celebrate together!

P.S. Here's a link to the song if you want to give it a listen!