This Wonderful, Terrible Time of the Year

“What do you mean?” my roommate said as she pulled back from my hug to wipe her tears.

We were in her room, she was having a hard moment and I came to offer some comfort.

“This is such a magical time of year, and there are often so many good things going on, but sometimes that’s exactly what makes it hard. We know we ‘should’ be happy, but we are not.”

2020 has been an extremely challenging year for many people, for many reasons.

Isolation is high on that list for most people.

I’ve chosen to live on the opposite side of the country from my family for nearly two decades. Most of the time I enjoy the space and have loved where I live. Sometimes I question all my choices and wonder why I am so far from the people I care about the most.

But, in the past, I have been greatly blessed to be able to go visit my family once or twice a year. Mostly that involves me getting on a plane and flying to them. A few times it has involved hours in a car driving to see them. And sometimes it has meant all of us getting in planes and meeting up in other countries.

This year, some of that has been taken away.

In more ways than one.

Travel restrictions and social distancing requirements due to COVID-19 have kept so many people apart. Even people who are relatively physically close.

My Grandpa Smith has felt this isolation acutely. His wife, my Grandma, has dementia. He has been her provider their whole married life, but over the past few years he has been her caretaker as she disappeared into the past. I’ve been at their house when she’s announced, “Well, thank you for visiting and telling us stories, but I better go home now.” I watched helplessly as my Grandpa explained to her that she was home, and as she insisted that she was not and needed to get going before it got any later. I listened to him negotiate and reason and cajole. I wondered how often this happened, and what worked best – offering her chocolate? Convincing her to get ready for bed? Certainly not reminding her that he was her husband and they had lived together in that house for decades.

Just before COVID shut things down, my Grandma fell, again. Thankfully, her early falls were more slides. So, no broken bones or serious injuries. But she was again on the ground and my Grandpa couldn’t help her up. The decision was made to have my Grandma move into a care facility. At least in my Grandpa’s mind, this was temporary while he figured out how to have help at home.

Whether that would have been possible in normal circumstances, we’ll never know. Instead, my Grandpa was suddenly separated from his wife as COVID spread; Told he could no longer visit her for the health and safety of her, those living and working in her care facility, and himself.

I’ve been periodically calling my grandpa to check in for years. Calling and talking to him more recently showed me how lonely he is. How much he misses having my Grandma at home, even if she no longer knew who he was, her presence made a world of difference for him.

On a video chat discussing 2020 Christmas plans, my Dad told us his mom broke her hip. Her hospice nurse said she likely had less than two weeks to live. She is in a lot of pain, and now spends her days and nights sedated in a bed. They made visitation exceptions and my dad and his two brothers were able to go visit her and give her a priesthood blessing, a practice in my church where a special prayer is offered for those who are sick or in need of special guidance and direction in their lives.

So, at this beautiful time of year where we focus on family and the example of people who give and make this world a brighter place, namely Jesus Christ and also Father Christmas (who I have always viewed as a type of Christ – a man who travels the world giving presents, who spreads good cheer and reminds us to be good and to see the best in others), I’m reminded that for many it is a dark time. The weather in the northern hemisphere can be harsh and unforgiving at this time. Storms come and knock out power. The days are short and sometimes it feels like there is no light to be had. Other people’s joy and time with family can remind us of what we are missing – either because we lost it or have never had it.

This year, it makes me extra grateful to have wonderful memories. Memories of Smith Family Christmas Parties – being in my grandparents home when I was young putting on a live reenactment of the Nativity story with my cousins then driving home through snowy streets looking at lights on houses with the wide eyed awe of childhood. And later, being in church buildings of my aunts and uncles, rotating around through the family but always bringing food and laughter and usually musical performances followed by singing of Christmas carols. Then Grandpa Smith would read the story of Christ’s birth from Luke chapter two. My Grandma has always been more quiet, but always there. And I will miss her so much.

I’m sad she has to leave this earth at this time of year, and with the world in the state that it is. I’m sad that I won’t have more time with her. I’m sad for my Grandpa to live on without her. I’m sad for my Dad to lose his mother. I’m sad this is happening when we can’t gather and celebrate the life of an amazing woman and sad that we can’t collectively grieve – and get the chance to reminisce and to hug one another, to share and help hold up the grief and pain and add some lightness through the sharing.

My heart reaches out to all those who are also going through hard times and feelings right now. For anyone who has lost a loved one. For anyone who has lost a job. For anyone who has lost motivation. For any loss that is weighing on your heart and mind and soul. For anyone who feels alone. For anyone who is sick or afflicted. For those who are marginalized or misunderstood.

Despite all of this, scratch that, because of all of this there is something I think we all have to do: Reach out. My experiences having people reach out to me and in reaching out to others has taught me that we never know everything that others are going through or have gone through. Treat those around you kindly. There is never harm in sharing love and seeking to lift another.

Visiting my Grandparents with my Dad

Despite her confusion about who I was, she was gracious in taking selfies with me

In my Grandparents front room - photos on the walls:
Jesus Christ, Family, Logan Temple, Fishing in Uintah's, 50th Wedding Anniversary

Sacrament Meeting Talk Nov 2020: Lessons Learned Searching Scriptures

Occasionally I am asked to prepare and give a talk at my church. This is a chance to share my thoughts and feelings about the gospel of Jesus Christ and how His teachings influence my life. A couple weeks ago I had one of those opportunities.

Below is what I shared. I hope it is of value to someone out there reading!

=================================

Hello everyone.

I’m glad to be here today sharing some thoughts with you.

As a little background about me I could just give the basics, like that I’ve lived all over, moving here from Alaska, and lived in New York City longer than anywhere else since high school. Or wax eloquent about why I love Boston and am so glad to be back for a second tour of duty. But, instead, I decided to share five random facts as an intro to me:

• #1 I’m on track, actually ahead of schedule, to meet my goal to read 100 books this year
  
  
• #2 For over a decade I’ve mailed out a Christmas/Year in Review card – I’m on the fence about sending one out this year. What would I say? Sat in my house most of the year, also rode my bike and knit a lot?
  
  
• #3 I’m a closet musician – I LOVE music but am afraid to sing or play in front of people. I’m working on overcoming this fear (starting with my roommates) extra points for you if you can identify both instruments I play.
  
  
• #4 Setting really specific goals is a knack I have – like wanting to sell a puzzle with a photograph I took on it.
  
  
• #5 For years I’ve been standing on the edge of this cliff of starting my own business. Really committing – jumping into the abyss and seeing if I fly, learn to swim after getting in over my head, or some unforeseen other twist in this path of life.

I shared #5 last on purpose. Because it is the foundation for so much of my life right now and the inspiration for this talk.

With all the uncertainty going on in my personal life and in the world this year, I found myself slipping out of habits and routines. Floundering a bit with how I should, could, and wanted to spend my time.

There are other times I have felt this way in the past. One was during grad school the first time I lived in Boston. During a meeting with the supervisor of a research project I was helping with, she asked how I was doing. I was frank and told her I was feeling a little overwhelmed. She asked me, “Have you been reading your Book of Mormon?”

That question humbled me and has stuck with me for over a decade. This woman remembered something I had told her when she came upon me reading from the Book of Mormon while waiting for a different meeting with her months prior. I told her that reading that book brought me peace and kept me grounded.

So, when I recognized this feeling of uncertainty and feeling untethered, I decided once again to turn back to my scriptures.

[as a side note, I admire people like Daryl – he shared recently that he has read his scriptures every day since his mission. I think that is incredible. But, I find myself much more likely to ebb and flow in my scripture reading. Both in actually spending time with the scriptures, and with how productive and meaningful that time is – maybe you can relate?]

I’ve found that doing topical study has often been the most effective way for me to learn from the scriptures and also is an effective way for me to jump back in when I find I’ve drifted away for a time. And it helps me understand why we are encouraged to “liken all scriptures unto us” at the beginning of the Book of Mormon by Nephi (see 1 Nephi 19:23).

This time I had the idea (maybe impression or nudge from God?) to see what the scriptures could teach me about work.

I opened my physical scriptures flipping to the index of the triple combination and pulled up a word doc and typed in the first reference under: Work, verb. Here is what I typed:

• 1 Nephi 16:28 – “they [the pointers of the Liahona] did work according to the faith and diligence and heed which we did give unto them”

This verse is referring to a time when Nephi’s family was traveling in an unknown wilderness using a tool called the Liahona (which I like to think about as an ancient GPS). On the surface, this has nothing to do with my current situation – I’m not wandering through a desert, I’m sitting at my computer day after day trying to figure out marketing and key words and SEO and how to package flowers made from leaves so they won’t break while shipping. But as I read those words and opened my mind to what God could teach me, here is what I typed under the scripture reference:

• 1) In order for things to work, both our actions AND our attitude matters. Intent AND follow through. We have to have faith AND diligence and heed
  
  
• 2) I read a caption on a post yesterday that talked about the need for diligence – they talked about “how many people you don’t end up working with because you don’t follow up” (because you’re scared of looking like a stalker).” I would never have worked for Pinecones and Needles if I hadn’t continued to follow up and reach out. The same thing is true of moving to Alaska and getting a job I wanted there. Both times I decided what I wanted to do and then I doggedly pursued until it worked.
  
  
• 3) I also like this because it puts responsibility back on me – if things are not working out, there is more I can do to help things work out. Which doesn’t mean I’ll always get what I want, but I believe that if what I want more is to heed God’s direction and spiritual growth, the other things I want will shift to fit those bigger goals when needed

With that first step back towards the scriptures I returned more fully to seeking answers and insight from God for my life right now.

In my quest to become more like our Savior Jesus Christ, another thing I have always leaned on quite heavily in my life is the wisdom of others. Talking about a problem or idea helps me understand and work through it. So, as I continued my scripture study on Work I shared some of the ideas and insight with my roommate Liz. She said, “That sounds like a blog post you should write.” And with that encouragement from her, I did.

Here is an excerpt from that blog post:

“Reading in 2 Nephi 5:15 it talks about how Nephi taught his people to do fine craftsmanship. They built buildings and created art and beauty in their community. They learned skills from someone who had already honed those skills.

For me this was a cool reminder both that there are incredible people who I can seek knowledge and skill from AND that I have skills and abilities that I can seek to share with others.

There is power in creating beauty, in being industrious, in expanding and enriching our minds - because we also improve the world and people around us in the process.”

Just as I find greater knowledge from talking things through with others, writing does this for me, too. I love the power of words. And I love putting them together in a way that may help or inspire someone else.

While listening to our leaders speak in General Conference last week, I heard some words that related to this little project of mine.

In a talk titled Becoming like Him, Elder Scott D. Whiting, of the Seventy said:

“It is important for me as I strive to become like Him [Jesus Christ] to record my experiences and what I am learning.”

This makes me think of what the sister missionaries in our ward have been teaching as they help us work on personal mission plans – we have to teach and share in a way that works for us. Writing my personal scripture study journal and writing blog posts that I put out publicly are both ways that allow me to gain deeper personal understanding. And also provides me with an opportunity to share what I learn with others – to give them a gift, an opportunity to feel God’s love and grow and expand their understanding.

Armed with increasing understanding of the role of work, and how I could apply principles taught in the scriptures to my personal endeavors with my business, I took steps forward. I made plans, set goals, relaunched my Etsy shop, was brave and told people – individually and through social media.

Then on the way to an afternoon hike a few weeks ago my friend asked me, “Did you sell all the things on your shop yet?”

My shoulders visibly slumped. My brain instantaneously went through all the things I had planned to do and did not. The nasty side of my brain said things like “See, you can’t really do this. You are a failure – clearly if you weren’t you would have sold all the things.” Aloud I admitted, no, I had not. And launched into a list of the things I had meant to do – the work I should have put in – but didn’t.

He cut me off, and his words were piercing and sustaining:

“Don’t punish yourself. Yeah, you should try to keep up with things, but you don’t need to beat yourself up. There are natural consequences for your actions or lack of actions that are already punishment enough.”

What a cool perspective. And it made me realize something else: If I don’t like the natural consequences of my choices, I can make different choices.

Dwelling on what I didn’t do doesn’t help me. Looking at what worked and doing more of that is wise. Looking at what didn’t work and trying something else is helpful and can lead to future success.

This current project to seek answers and insight from the scriptures on work has reminded me there is great value in looking at the scriptures through new eyes, in the context of our current situation and experiences. And there is power in finding a way to record and share what you learn.

Each day, regardless of what we did or did not do the day before, we can choose to give some of our time to God. We can choose to read His words given to use through the scriptures. We can choose to apply those words in our lives. We can choose to ponder and seek to understand them more deeply.

In closing I’ll echo the testimony I put in my blog post:

I’m grateful for the scriptures, and for a Heavenly Father who loves me enough to provide personal direction as I read from His words written and preserved by those who came before me. I’m grateful for continuing personal revelation and the chance to see God’s hand in my life and feel His love as I intentionally turn to Him.

I know God loves us. I know He wants us to succeed and to become like Him. I know He will speak to you, personally and directly in a way you will recognize and understand. As Marcie taught us so powerfully a few weeks ago – He will meet you where you are, whenever you are ready and willing.

 

Speaks to My Soul: Come Away by Jason Polley

Do some things just feel right to you – but you can’t put them into words?

I have that feeling a lot.

Sometimes I feel that as I pray. I try to communicate with God “the author the maker of souls” and I can only do so in images or feelings. Words won’t come or can’t do justice.

Or I receive answers to my prayers – direction from God for my life – but there are no words. There may just be peace. Or a hint of an idea.

Despite this (or maybe because of this) I believe in a Heavenly Father who loves me. I believe He has a plan for us, His children. I believe He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to live and die for us.

My life has given me opportunities to “Come away, come away with me” as I strive to follow in the footsteps of our Savior, Jesus Christ. As I turn to God in repentance and seek the healing balm brought through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As I find myself one of “the battered and broken” that was “made clean” and “set free”.

I echo Jason Polley’s words

I have been a worried soul for most of my days
But I'm learning to let myself be okay

And I’m relearning that I can be okay even though

turning from your past mistakes ain't as easy as it seems

It is true

When you won't accept forgiveness
You're left to your own schemes

But we don’t have to rely on our own schemes. We can choose to follow God’s plan. We can learn of Him through the scriptures and the words of modern-day prophets.

I have tried to understand my heart but I can't 

What makes me a child and what makes me a man

There are many paradoxes in life, and contradictive truths that we have to balance in our minds. But my experience has taught me that when I turn to the Savior and seek understanding directly from God I find the balance and understanding I need. I find peace and an ability to accept the truth I know now while also seeking additional knowledge and learning line upon line.

PS if you want to listen, check out the song on Spotify 

Likening Scriptures: Work, the Verb

Something I love about my religion is how applicable it is to my day to day life. And that we are encouraged to “liken all scriptures unto us” (1 Nephi 19:23).

As I’m seeking to build and grow a business, I decided to read all the references to the verb work in The Book of Mormon. I’ve just begun and already I feel I have learned so much.

Reading in 2 Nephi 5:15 it talks about how Nephi taught his people to do fine craftsmanship. They built buildings and created art and beauty in their community. They learned skills from someone who had already honed those skills.

For me this was a cool reminder both that there are incredible people who I can seek knowledge and skill from AND that I have skills and abilities that I can seek to share with others.

There is power in creating beauty, in being industrious, in expanding and enriching our minds - because we also improve the world and people around us in the process.

The last thing that I gleaned from that verse comes in the final phrase, “which were in great abundance.” In the scripture I believe it is specifically referring to ore, which was found in the land where they lived. For me today it is a reminder to find and use the resources I have. To use those materials or skills I have “in abundance”.

I’m grateful for the scriptures, and for a Heavenly Father who loves me enough to provide personal direction as I read from His words written and preserved by those who came before me. I’m grateful for continuing personal revelation and the chance to see God’s hand in my life and feel His love as I intentionally turn to Him.

Speaks to My Soul Series: The Greatest by Kenny Rogers

Kenny Rogers’ The Greatest is a song I love for a lot of the same reasons I love most of the books I do – it makes me think and feel deeply. I will also admit that I cry nearly every time I listen to it.

There are two themes I love from this song:

1. Perspective.
A thought, a reality, a concept – something I’ve circled back to over and over again.

2. Focus.
Related – influences our perspective, what we see and what is cropped out or blurred.

I admire the little boy in this song and his journey.

He does things he loves. He continues when it looks hard or impossible. He appears to be playing alone but is not bothered by this.

His focus is strong. His perspective is positive.

He makes no excuses, He shows no fears

His surety of his intrinsic value carries him through and allows him to rest on the truth of his greatness. To turn what could be seen as defeat into success.

He says I am the greatest that is understood
But even I didn't know I could pitch that good.

At the end of this song, I’m always left contemplating about the balance between internal vs external validation.

Which one matters more to me? How do I learn to lean on and be buoyed by the positive while deflecting or growing from negative?

As I write this, I also realize that this song provides a caution about how we view others. Do I see others’ failures and use that to define them? or do I look for successes and a way to move forward in a positive, uplifting way?

You may not enjoy this (country) song, but I hope you enjoy my random thoughts.

And I hope you look for and find greatness – in yourself and those around you!

P.S. If you want to check it out, here’s a fun video with the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukemCQQUCME

Safety Nets

All three of my brothers ride bikes, one of them LOVES to ride bikes. He currently owns four. 

 

Once he told our youngest brother, "I don't usually use my knee pads and safety gear when I wear them, but wearing them makes me more confident. Ironically, I do things that are much more dangerous when I wear them than when I don't."

This seems to encapsulate the power and benefit of safety nets.

The very fact of having a safety net makes us less likely to need one.

It enables us to take risks and reach heights we wouldn't have without the net below, just in case.

Recently I listened to a virtual event by Alex Boye. He opened his remarks by paraphrasing a story from a favorite book of his - The Magic of Believing, by Claude Bristol

Here is my paraphrase of his paraphrase:

A man was on a bus going home puzzling over how to tell his wife he had just lost his job and the negative things that would mean for his family. A man sitting next to him interrupted his reflections and asked what was wrong. 

 

After hearing the story, the man wrote a check and gave it to the concerned man telling him he wanted the man to return the check to him in a year. The check writer was Rockefeller, who at the time was the wealthiest man in America. The check was for $500,000. The man was shocked. He put the check in a safe spot, telling himself he would only cash it if he had to. He then went about his business with utter confidence. He went to interviews and found great success. At the end of the year, he returned the check.

More than once I have moved to new cities in different states without a job and not knowing anyone there. Each time I have known that I have a family who loves me and would help me out if things did not turn out well. A check I could cash if I really needed to, if you will.

After moving to New York City without a job I reached a point where I could pay rent or buy a plane ticket home.

 

I paid my rent.

 

A couple weeks later I got a job. But I know that if I hadn't gotten a job my parents would have helped me out (likely in the form of driving across the country and piling my stuff that would fit in the back of their Ford Ranger).

 

That safety net gave me courage and the possibility of taking the risk. Without that safety net I likely would have made very different choices.

This summer, I watched this same principle play out when my oldest niece got a new bike. She had been riding a bike that was too small for her and had training wheels. Her new bike felt huge and too far from the ground to her. She missed the training wheels.

She was scared, but when one of the adults she loved and trusted held her seat, she was willing to try. She had willing uncles, an aunt, grandpa and dad who were all happy to help her with her transition away from training wheels.

How grateful I am for those people in my life. Those willing to walk along with and encourage me when I feel overwhelmed, under-qualified, or just scared or sad.

 

I don't know if it is possible to be aware of all the safety nets in our lives, especially if we have always had them. And, I know that not using safety nets doesn't mean they are not there.

Maybe instead of judging the choices of others, we can find ways to be a safety net. Something I particularly like about this idea is that safety nets don't do the work for the individual, it enables them to see what they are capable of in a safe, supportive environment.

Speaks to My Soul: Peace by Ben Rector

Finding people who can put into words some of my thoughts is always very exciting. This stanza from Ben Rector’s "Peace" does that for me:

I used to worry about the future, but the future never came
Tried livin' in the past, but never did quite feel the same
I used to think that there was a place I would rather be
'Til I got there enough times to realize that you are only ever here

What Ben Rector wrote and sang is true, but also points to some of the paradoxes of life.

“the future never came” because we exist in now – we can’t live in the past or the future, we only exist in the present. BUT the past certainly influences our present. And what we do now shapes our future.

There is progression in life.

This song shows an example of this through the morphing of the chorus:

Starts with

Saying I want peace, it's where I am now

Moves to

That's when I found peace with where I am now

Ends with

So I found peace with who I am now

Deciding what we want is a powerful first step. It allows us to put focus and attention on that thing. It gives us a frame to see through, or something to measure what we are doing and thinking against.

Continuing to put voice to some of my thoughts and feelings, Ben Rector says:

Through the ups and downs, I have figured out
You find peace where you make it
Scenery won't change it
And I wasted so much time, thinkin' I could ever find
Enough of anything
That would bring me peace

Wishing to be somewhere (or someone) else is a part of being human (at least as far as I can tell). BUT similar to time, we “are only ever here” and while we can change that “here” I have found that often I’m most happy and fulfilled when I really invest where I am and in the people around me right now.

Peace comes from within. From shifting focus to things that truly matter. From being okay with who we are and what we have.

As Evan Hansen taught us, “Today is going to be a good day And here's why because today, today at least you're you and that's enough.”

The Role of Things and the Relationship Between Giving and Gaining

Studying my scriptures using this years Come Follow Me manual I came across an idea that has been bumping around in my life:

The role of things and the relationship between giving and gaining.

In Alma chapter 15 there is a man named Amulek. He was a wealthy man, well known and respected in his community. He had accumulated many precious things and a reputation he enjoyed and was proud of.

When he decided to follow personal direction he received from God, not everyone in his family nor all (maybe any?) of his friends supported him.

This was a deliberate choice Amulek made. But he may or may not have known what the cost would be in terms of wealth or reputation (do any of us actually know the full consequences of our choices when we make them?). And it was probably hard for him when he realized what he had lost. Or each time a new element was lost.

But he stood by his choice. And he later talks about the things he gained - increased knowledge, purpose in his life, a chance to help others find peace and God's love in their lives, and the support, friendship and mentorship of Alma.

It reminds me of a song, Through Heaven's Eyes, from the animated Prince of Egypt

A lake of gold in the desert sand
Is less than a cool fresh spring
And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy
Is greater than the richest king

If a man loses everything he owns
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?

So how do you measure the worth of a man
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?

So how do you judge what a man is worth
By what he builds or buys?

There are two other examples of this I want to share, one from my life, and one from a book I recently read, When Time Stopped by Ariana Neumann.

A couple years ago I lived in Alaska. When it was time to leave I had a large box that was going to be quite expensive to ship. Compounding that was the fact that I wasn't sure how long I'd be in the next place I was going. Talking with one of my friends about it, she offered to store the box in her garage's attic until I knew where I wanted it shipped so I didn't have to pay to ship it twice. I gratefully accepted her gracious offer. That offer transitioned into her offering to drop it off at my parents house when she was in the same area visiting her family for Christmas.

Fast forward to now, I still don't have that box with me. And you know what? I don't even remember everything that was in it. If I never get that box back, I'll be just fine.

The example from When Time Stopped is very different because Ariana Neumann's grandparents did not choose to leave anything behind. They were forced to when they were deported from Prague to Teretzin.

Here is something Ariana Neumann's grandfather Otto wrote to his children after spending some time as a prisoner in Teretzin:

“In the short time since our separation, I have somehow forgotten all that I left behind with you. What used to be important seems now inane. I know you will not understand me, as I myself nowadays do not understand the life I left with you. It is all like a terrible dream. Live life well. This can only be appreciated by someone who has sunk so low into humiliation as I have.”

He is certainly not saying he is happy. But he is saying that his ideas about what is important have shifted. The changes in his present influenced what he valued from his past.

I do not want people to have to lose everything, either by force or some degree of choice. But, I do wish we could more fully heed Otto's advice to "Live life well" and I hope and pray we can begin to realize that our worth is not tied to the material things we have. That we are better off building than buying. That we start to measure our value and wealth more from what we give and less from what we gained.

It has been my experience and observation that when we seek to build and give, when we worry less about our material possessions and more about our relationships and character development, we find we have gained so much more than we gave. And that what we've gained can't be taken away from us.

Movie Musings: Brian Banks

Historical Fiction and memoirs have long been my favorite genres to read. Similarly, 'based on a true story' movies have long been among my favorite films to watch. Also sports movies. I'm a sucker for sports movies.

There is something very inspiring to me about seeing what human beings are able to accomplish, especially when they come together around a common goal. 

Brian Banks is not a sports movie in the traditional sense. But it certainly is about what human beings are able to accomplish when they come together around a common goal. When they don't give up in the face of adversity. When they believe that people have inherent worth and strive to help them reach their potential.

And it is a sports movie, in a way. In the sense that a promising young man had the potential to have a successful career in the NFL, and how that was taken from him, and {SPOILER ALERT!!} how he won it back.

A little background: 

Brian Banks was accused of rape as a 16-year-old high school student. The charges included kidnapping and he was tried as an adult. He faced the possibility of life in prison in a her-word against his-word case. Ultimately, he decided to take a plea deal in part at the urging of his lawyer. As the California Innocence Project website says, the lesser of two evils. 

His accuser sued the school and got 1.5 million dollars. She later recanted her story admitting that she made the whole thing up. 

I am in awe of the way Brian Banks responded, particularly to his statement to the press after having his wrongful conviction overturned: “There comes a time when you have to let go in order to move on. The only thing I wasn’t going to let go was this fight”

[for more details and background, check out History vs Hollywood]

We all need people who believe in us and help point is on a positive, constructive path. Despite the unfortunate circumstances, Brian Banks met a man while in juvy that shaped his life through what he taught Brian. 

"All you can control in live is how you respond to life."

-Jerome Johnson

 

Those words influenced Brian through the rest of his time in juvy, in prison, and after he got out. 

"The system" is something people talk about a lot. And maybe even more now with a spotlight being directed at systemic racism. Some of the conversations in the movie made me think about "the system" in a different way.

Brian Banks was trying to convince a man named Justin Brooks who started an organization called The California Innocence Project to take on his case. Here is my paraphrased version of what Justin told Brian:

The system is broken, that's what I've been trying to tell you. It's supposed to be innocent until proven guilty, but so often it is the opposite.

 

Brian's response floored me. He challenged Justin, not in a confrontational angry way, but in a way that required a re-framing of ideas and extended an invitation to take responsibility for what we can control or how we can choose to view or interact with "the system". Brian asked 'What is the system?' and answered his own question 'It's people.' 

He went on to say:

"I know the system doesn't care about me, I've known that my whole life. The question is, do you?"

- Brian Banks

 

Do I? Do you? Or do we hide behind "the system"? 

I love what that question led Justin to decide: 

"I don't ever want to stop trying because the system has conditioned us to stop trying."

-Justin Brooks

 

And this requires us to take a long look at why things are the way they are. And what we can do now to change them. And yes, to acknowledge that in various ways and to various degrees we are responsible for creating and/or perpetuating wrongs in "the system"

Here is another truth Justin came to see as he worked to figure out why Brian ended up where he was: 

"The reason isn't just because a girl lied, it's because the system didn't care about the truth in the first place."

-Justin Brooks

 

And this one:

"I've come to realize that maybe it's not the system that failed him, maybe it's all of us."

-Justin Brooks

 

Towards the end of the movie, Brian's mom spoke to their legal representative, Justin Brooks, and the representative of the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office who were discussing whether to move forward with trying to overturn Brian's conviction. 

She pleads with them to try. She shares that a mother's only desire is to protect her children, and her feelings of pain and regret that she had not been able to do so. 

"I will go to my grave feeling the pain of his past. But you can do something today to change the pain of his future."

- Brain's Mom, Leomia Myers

 

Thankfully those two men decided to try, and they succeeded. 

Here is what Justin Brooks told Brian Banks:

"Thank you for not giving up and making sure I didn't either."

-Justin Brooks

 

So, what are we going to do because of any of this? 

Learn, I hope. Act differently, I pray.

We can learn both through our own hard experiences and others. Something Brian said holds great power: 

"Sometimes you have to walk deeper into the darkness to find the light. That was solitary for me."

-Brian Banks

 

Hard things are hard. Darkness is scary. How we respond to them, and how we reach out to others who go through them speaks volumes. 

The day after his conviction was overturned, Coach Pete Carroll called Brian Banks and invited him to try out for the Seattle Seahawks. In the movie, these are the words he spoke on that phone call: 

"I'm so sorry you had to go to hell and back Brian"

-Pete Carroll

 

Acknowledging hard things is powerful. Extending a hand is too. 

And this song playing in the background during the phone call scene is also powerful:

They tried to bring me down
They tried to count me out

They fill my head with doubt
But it's not, it's Not Over
And yes I've been through hell
But on the other side is where I found myself
And it's not, it's Not Over

-It's Not Over by Sam Fisher, Gizzle

 

We can never know exactly what someone else is going through. And I really hope most of us don't have to go through the hardest things that others do. But I don't think we have to know exactly what someone else is going through to help. And I don't think someone else has to know exactly what I'm going through in order for me to learn from them. 

Brian Banks was presented with this same idea from the man who changed his perspective while he was in prison: 

"Now look, I don't know exactly what it is you're going through. But you've got to let it go, or it is going to pull you down. How you got here might be wrong, but the fact is, you are here and before you leave this place physically, you must leave it mentally. Or you'll be back."

-Jerome Johnson

 

At the end of the film I was talking with my roommate (who joined me for the last 15 minutes) and told her sometimes I wish I had become a lawyer so I could help people in this way. She told me something I want to challenge everyone else to do as well: "I think you'd be better off thinking about what you can do now with your skills and knowledge than wishing you had different skills and knowledge."

We can all use what we know and our circle of influence to make things better. Remember, the system is made up of people. You and me. We can each show we care. 

Knowing how this film ends doesn't make it any less worth seeing. I watched it on Hulu. You can also watch it on Netflix and Prime Video (and other places, I'm sure!) 

And whether you watch it or not, show you care through word and deed. 

Speaks to My Soul: Drive by Ben Rector

I have often felt the feels of this song. But I feel them more now – after being confined mostly to the walls of my own home for more then two months.

Let's go

I don't care
Anywhere

And even the uncertainty of “what we’ll find” seems heightened in our current world

White lines flyin' by, who knows what we'll find
You and me tonight

The slow opening and a tentative return to “normal” that makes possible the very idea of “you and me” becoming a reality again is exciting.

When's the last time we dropped our things and went?
Woke up somewhere that we've both never been?

Too long.

That would generally be my response, but it is wholeheartedly my response right now.

But this line, it is rolling around in my brain:

Growin' up doesn't mean gettin' older

I want to do what I feel is the essence of this line: strive for the heart of a child. Maintain your wonder at the beautiful world around you. Make friends easily. Let go of hurts and build bridges back to people. Allow tears to wash away the pain and get back to living life fully. Hug those you love, hold their hand, say your love through actions (and words).

One more line jumps out – and stands in starker relief after the past couple months:

I just wanna come back with a memory

Even before quarantine and isolation, this was a sentiment that struck a chord. I’ve found that the more places I go and things I see, the truer this statement becomes for me.

Memories are what I want to carry with me. Pictures help me relive them. And even better is seeing and talking to the people I made those memories with again.

So, family, here I come – and let’s make some new memories and relive some old ones, whether we drive and wake up somewhere we’ve never been or just sit around mom and dad’s well-worn kitchen table.

P.S. Here’s a link to the song. Give it a listen. Better yet, go for a drive while listening :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbrvCyEoW0Q