Truly Generous?

One of my colleagues puts a quote in her daily attendance reports. Many of them make me smile or think and I appreciate them. Recently this was her quote:

"Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find out."
~Frank A. Clark~

I like this quote, but there was something about it that also sort of rubbed me the wrong way, and I had to mull it over to figure out why. I think there is truth in this statement. But I think there is also a potential danger in this mentality.

While mulling this over I remembered a passage from The Screw Tape Letters by C.S. Lewis (a series of letters from a Devil to his nephew, who is an apprentice to be a devil - in the passage below, the Enemy is God, the patient is a human being).

Do what you will, there is going to be some benevolence, as well as some malice, in your patient's soul. The great thing is to direct the malice to his immediate neighbours whom he meets every day and to thrust his benevolence out to the remote circumference, to people he does not know. The malice thus becomes wholly real and the benevolence largely imaginary. There is no good at all in inflaming his hatred of Germans if, at the same time, a pernicious habit of charity is growing up between him and his mother, his employer, and the man he meets in the train. Think of your man as a series of concentric circles, his will being the innermost, his intellect coming next, and finally his fantasy. You can hardly hope, at once, to exclude from all the circles everything that smells of the Enemy: but you must keep on shoving all the virtues outward till they are finally located in the circle of fantasy, and all the desirable qualities inward into the Will.

So, I think that doing good for those who will never know can be a true sign of generosity. But if none of  our generous acts are directed to those closest to us than we are not fully generous.

This was a nice reminder for me - to make an effort to not keep all my good intentions in my mind (or located in the circle of fantasy to use C.S. Lewis' language :) And, it is a good thing to remember that as humans we will have pieces of malice AND benevolence in us. The question is, which one will we choose to act on in any given moment, and towards whom?

Sources of Happiness

Serendipitously I picked up the novel Stargirl just before some interesting and challenging things happened in my life – and it just so happened that the book fit in my coat pocket. That was an immeasurable blessing under the circumstances.

There were many things about this book that spoke to me – especially about the two main characters. One of whom I want to be more like (Stargirl) and one of whom I relate a lot to (Leo).

Stargirl is completely unique. She is a very caring person who pays attention to those around her and reaches out in ways that are meaningful to that individual.

Leo is a good person. He cares deeply about what those around him think. In some ways, and at some times, he fights that tendency. But, he still feels it.

There were three powerful scene in the book that have really kept me thinking:

The first vignette:

Stargirl was leaning forward, looking earnestly at Becca Rinaldi, her voice small as a little girl’s. “When the other team scores a point and you see how happy it makes all their fans, doesn’t it make you happy, too?"

Becca growled, “No.”

“Doesn’t it make you want to join in?”

“No.”

“Don’t you ever want the other team to be happy, too?”

“No.”

Stargirl seemed genuinely surprised. “You don’t always want to be the winner…do you?”

Becca scowled at her, jutted out her jaw. “Yes. Yes, I do. Yes I always want to be the winner. That’s what I do. I root for us to win. That’s what we all do.” She swept her arm around the set. “We root for Mica.” She jabbed her finger at the stage. “Who do you root for?”

Stargirl hesitated. She smiled, she threw out her arms. “I root for everybody!” (p64-65)

It was this moment in the book where I knew I wanted to be more like Stargirl. It reminds me of a truth that another quote teaches:

"Curious that we spend more time congratulating people who have succeeded than encouraging people who have not."
- Neil deGrasse Tyson

The second vignette:

Riding away I said, “Why don’t you leave a card or something with your name on it?”

The question surprised her. “Why should I?”

Her question surprised me. “Well, I don’t know, it’s just the way people do things.

They expect it. They get a gift, they expect to know where it came from.”

“Is that important?”

“Yeah, I guess—”
…..
“Where were we?” she said.

“Getting credit,” I said.

“What about it?”

“Well, it’s nice to get credit.”

The spokes of her rear wheel spun behind the curtain of her long skirt. She looked like a photograph from a hundred years ago. She turned her wide eyes on me. “Is it?” she said. (p110-111)

This is a question I find myself repeating over and over in my head – Is it? I don’t know.

The third vignette:

Some people in the school were starting to turn on Stargirl, and by association Leo. His tendency to care what others think of him comes through. He has an encounter with a fellow student and discovers:

I had never realized how much I needed the attention of others to confirm my own presence. (p126) 

I feel the same way sometimes. It is in some ways an interesting catch 22 – we really do need people, and life is so much fuller and more fun when shared. But, we can become too dependent on the input of others. I’ve been finding that an intense "need for the attention of others to confirm my presence" leaves me quite vulnerable. And makes me want to be more like Stargirl – invested in the happiness of others. Strange how that leads to increased personal happiness :)

Yay for books that make me think :) and for such uplifting and motivating things to think about!

A Little Time Out

Yesterday at Church we were talking about becoming like a little child. This is a fascinating subject to me, and I often wonder why Christ encourages us to be like a child.

 3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 18:3

 37 And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and become as a little child, and be baptized in my name, or ye can in nowise receive these things.
3 Nephi 11:37 

13 ¶And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them.

 14 But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

 15 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein.

 16 And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.

Mark 10:13-16

There are a lot of analogies and reasons, but I heard a new one yesterday and it really hit home for me.

Someone talked about how children are put in time out when they do something wrong. Often the same child is put in time out for the same thing over and over again. The child is not happy. They don't want to be in time out, they can scream and cry and through a fit. But you know what? The parent still loves them. Loves them so much they put them in time out again and again and hope and pray that the child will learn and grow.

And you know what? They do. With time and love and patience and attention the child learns and grows. They stop doing the thing that lead them to time out. Does that mean they don't do other things wrong? No. But they continue to learn and grow and change behavior over time.

What I learned yesterday, in part, is that I need to be more patient with myself. I need to give myself room to learn and grow. To stumble and fall - over the same thing - over and over again. Each time I can, and should, put myself in a little time out (repent) and then I should let go and move onward and upward (forsake and forgive). And all the while know that I am loved.

Dark Side

Songs have been especially powerful for me of late. There is one that has been on my mind the past few days:

There's a place that i know  
it's not pretty there and few have ever gone 
if i show it to you now  
will it make you run away
 
or will you stay 
even if it hurts  
even if i try to push you out  
will you return?  
and remind me who i really am  
please remind me who i really am
 
everybody's got a dark side  
do you love me?  
can you love mine? 
nobody's a picture perfect  
but we're worth it  
you know that we're worth it  
will you love me?  
even with my dark side?

I wonder that. A lot. And Satan does a pretty good job of convincing me that the answer is no.

But then I think about how I feel when I learn things about people that they might label as their dark side. Often I feel compassion. I feel increased love and understanding. I feel a renewed sense that we are all imperfect children of God learning and growing together.

And yes, we are definitely worth it.

Agency: A Matter of Choice

"It's my life" is a beautiful truth.

However, there are times when people use that phrase to justify actions that are not truly in their best interest. Often what people are saying is "I can do whatever I want." or "It's my choice." or "It doesn't hurt anyone by me."

Agency is such a tricky thing. We all have it. We all use it. We are supposed to - in fact, we have to. And God has taught us that we must act for ourselves - and we can't act for ourselves unless we are enticed by various options and choices:

14 And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon.

15 And to bring about his eternal purposes in the end of man, after he had created our first parents, and the beasts of the field and the fowls of the air, and in fine, all things which are created, it must needs be that there was an opposition; even the forbidden fruit in opposition to the tree of life; the one being sweet and the other bitter.

16 Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other.

2 Nephi 2:14-16

When I think about this topic, I often think of a song by a  singer named Stephanie Smith called "It's my life" and  takes a journey through her changing understanding of that phrase:

As a child I found my strength, In people around me who helped me lay
My foundation, guiding me patiently
Now I'm left building my faith on my own
These walls seem heavy and harder to hold
Against strong winds, pushing on in from the world

They say it's my life, I can do what I want with it
My life's in my hands
I find every choice has a consequence
I don't understand
It's my, my life

Soon I craved freedom, consumed by pride
I faced temptation that lured me outside
Of my shelter, neglected it fell to the ground
Now I'm surrounded bu piles of stone
I cannot rebuild this fortress alone
As I stumble, another wall crumbles down

But it's my life, I can do what I want with it
My life's in my hands
I find every choice has a consequence
I don't understand
It's my, my life

In the open air, I was wandering and weak
These walls were made
To strengthen me, Protecting me

I thought I lost everything, I was wrong
my foundation was there all along
Humbled I kneel down and start again
My Savior picks up the pieces I can't

And It's my life. I can do what he want me to
My life's in his hands
It takes work but I'm willing to fight
to further his plan
It's my, my life

Thinking about all this reminded me of a story that was shared in April at General Conference. The story is a little long, but I think it is a beautiful illustration and teaches well how important it is to allow people to make choices, and a reminder that we can always learn from what we experience, even if it is painful (maybe especially when it is painful...).

Wise parents prepare their children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency properly. And yes, this means children will sometimes make mistakes and learn from them.

Our family had an experience that taught us about helping children develop their ability to make choices. Our daughter Mary was a standout soccer player growing up. One year her team made it to the championships and, wouldn’t you know it, that game was to be played on a Sunday. As a young teen, Mary had had years of teaching that the Sabbath was a day of rest and spiritual regeneration, not recreation. But she still felt pressure from her coaches and teammates to play, as well as a desire not to let her team down.

She asked us what she should do. My wife and I could easily have made this decision for her. However, we decided after prayerful consideration that in this case our daughter was ready to take spiritual responsibility for her own decision. We read some scriptures with her and encouraged Mary to pray and think about it.

After a few days she announced her decision. She would play the game on Sunday. Now what were we to do? After further discussion and receiving reassurance from the Spirit, we did as we had promised and permitted her to carry out her choice to play. After the game ended, Mary slowly walked over to her waiting mother. “Oh, Mom,” she said, “that felt awful. I never want to feel like that again. I’m never playing another game on the Sabbath day.” And she never did.

Mary had now internalized the principle of Sabbath keeping. If we had forced her not to play the game, we would have deprived her of a precious and powerful learning experience with the Spirit.

As you can see, helping children exercise their agency properly requires teaching them how to pray and receive answers to their prayers. There must also be teaching about the value and purpose of obedience as well as about all other essential principles of the gospel.

In my personal study this week I came across a quote that basically sums up my thoughts on this matter:

One of the last, subtle stongholds of selfishness is the natural feeling that we 'own' ourselves. Of course we are free to choose and are personally accountable. Yes, we have individuality. But those who have chosen to 'come unto Christ' soon realize that they do not 'own' themselves. Instead, they belong to Him. ...there is a stark difference between stubbornly 'owning' oneself and submissively belonging to God."

- Neal A. Maxwell

I hope I can learn to submissively belong to God and realize that I can do what He wants me to - and put my life in His hands. And I hope I can learn to allow myself and others to practice making choices and to learn from both the good choices and the poor choices that we make.

Emotion

Crying at work is never a good thing, for a variety of reasons.

I did today.

And not the sniffle a few times kinda way. The shoulders shaking, eyes squeezed closed, tears pouring down your cheeks, have to blow your nose a few times kinda way.

So when I walked out of the office into the pouring rain, it seemed fitting.

I'm not happy about, or proud of the situation I was in today. But, it reminded me of something a friend recently told me: "I'd rather feel, and feel pain, than nothing at all."

Lately I've been learning that I care. A lot. Maybe too much for my own ultimate good...Basically, I'm learning that my perspectives and the energy I expend are a little off. Time for some adjustments.

My boss told me that I should never let myself get to the place I did today again. Ironically, I made that promise to myself a few years ago. I hope I learned from this situation. There are a number of things I need to figure out. And, it seems to me that acknowledging that I need to is a step in the right direction. A song lyric comes to mind:

"No one can fill those of your needs you don't let show."

I suppose that applies even to helping ourselves.

She also reminded me that I am more in control at any given time than I may think. As I thought about this on the way home I realized that taking control is very powerful. As we actively make change (just another way to say "take control") we are empowering ourselves.

I do have control. I choose what I do. I choose how I react. I choose whether or not I suffer in silence.

And right now I choose to put this all aside, and do something I love, something that brings peace to my soul.

Hidden Sorrow

On Sunday I taught a lesson on Learning by Faith. I LOVE learning. And I really enjoy teaching. And I am always so grateful for all that I learn as I prepare to teach and also from those I teach.

One of the comments made in class really resonated with me - the idea that when God wants to teach us something He hits us from all sorts of angles with the same idea. I have definitely experienced that from time to time in my life.

This is one of those times. I've been thinking about sorrow a lot lately. My own and others. I don't know that many people are aware of my personal sorrow. Either my current sorrow or some of the sorrows of my past. I'm okay with that. In fact, I would say I often take significant pains to make sure others don't know.

There have been a couple of things I have learned about others that have reminded me that I am not the only one who hides pain away inside. Smiles and superficial interaction can be very deceiving. This reminded me that I can stay wrapped up in my own troubles, or I can remember that:

a) I'm not alone in dealing with hard things and I can (and probably should) turn to others, and
b) I should be aware that there is always more than meets the eye and if I make an effort, I can make a positive difference in the lives of those around me

There are some phrases from some hymns that keep coming to mind:

"In the quiet heart is hidden Sorrow that they eye can't see." (Lord, I Would Follow You)

"May thy mercy be revealed. Soothe my troubled heart and spirit; May my unseen wounds be healed" (As I Search the Holy Scriptures)

"Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace When other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, Searching my soul? Where, when my aching grows, Where, when I languish, Where, in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?" (Where Can I Turn for Peace)

I'm grateful that I was reminded that I'm not the only one that has a "hidden sorrow that the eye can't see" and that I was reminded of times in my life that my own hidden sorrows have been calmed as I think about and try to ease the sorrows of others. It is absolutely fascinating to me that sorrow looked at and dwelt on seems to grow and that sorrow turned away from - especially in the efforts of helping others always seem to fade away.

The other thing that my recent experiences have made me think about is the power in having a tender heart. One of my personal theme songs is I'm Sensitive by Jewel. She talks about how she is sensitive and wants to be. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that. I listened to that song today and remembered part of the reason I love it:

"So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way"

And I also found words of peace and comfort and validation in a book a friend lent me (The Lost Gate by Orson Scott Card). A father is chastising one of his children for giving their sibling a hard time. He says, "Never mock a tender heart"

As I read that and thought about all the things going on in my life, the lives of those around me, and past experiences I realized that the world tries to mock us for having tender hearts. And we face a lot of challenging things in our lives. All of which tempt us to protect ourselves and our hearts by shutting down and building protective walls around ourselves. I realized that I really do want to fight that inclination. It might be painful, but I want to be sensitive. I want to be open and help others. I want to care. I want to be hurt because it means I can feel. And I especially want to be sensitive to others and help protect tender hearts and help keep them open.

Yay for thinking things through electronically. Thanks for reading along :)