Speaks to My Soul: Peace by Ben Rector

Finding people who can put into words some of my thoughts is always very exciting. This stanza from Ben Rector’s "Peace" does that for me:

I used to worry about the future, but the future never came
Tried livin' in the past, but never did quite feel the same
I used to think that there was a place I would rather be
'Til I got there enough times to realize that you are only ever here

What Ben Rector wrote and sang is true, but also points to some of the paradoxes of life.

“the future never came” because we exist in now – we can’t live in the past or the future, we only exist in the present. BUT the past certainly influences our present. And what we do now shapes our future.

There is progression in life.

This song shows an example of this through the morphing of the chorus:

Starts with

Saying I want peace, it's where I am now

Moves to

That's when I found peace with where I am now

Ends with

So I found peace with who I am now

Deciding what we want is a powerful first step. It allows us to put focus and attention on that thing. It gives us a frame to see through, or something to measure what we are doing and thinking against.

Continuing to put voice to some of my thoughts and feelings, Ben Rector says:

Through the ups and downs, I have figured out
You find peace where you make it
Scenery won't change it
And I wasted so much time, thinkin' I could ever find
Enough of anything
That would bring me peace

Wishing to be somewhere (or someone) else is a part of being human (at least as far as I can tell). BUT similar to time, we “are only ever here” and while we can change that “here” I have found that often I’m most happy and fulfilled when I really invest where I am and in the people around me right now.

Peace comes from within. From shifting focus to things that truly matter. From being okay with who we are and what we have.

As Evan Hansen taught us, “Today is going to be a good day And here's why because today, today at least you're you and that's enough.”

The Role of Things and the Relationship Between Giving and Gaining

Studying my scriptures using this years Come Follow Me manual I came across an idea that has been bumping around in my life:

The role of things and the relationship between giving and gaining.

In Alma chapter 15 there is a man named Amulek. He was a wealthy man, well known and respected in his community. He had accumulated many precious things and a reputation he enjoyed and was proud of.

When he decided to follow personal direction he received from God, not everyone in his family nor all (maybe any?) of his friends supported him.

This was a deliberate choice Amulek made. But he may or may not have known what the cost would be in terms of wealth or reputation (do any of us actually know the full consequences of our choices when we make them?). And it was probably hard for him when he realized what he had lost. Or each time a new element was lost.

But he stood by his choice. And he later talks about the things he gained - increased knowledge, purpose in his life, a chance to help others find peace and God's love in their lives, and the support, friendship and mentorship of Alma.

It reminds me of a song, Through Heaven's Eyes, from the animated Prince of Egypt

A lake of gold in the desert sand
Is less than a cool fresh spring
And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy
Is greater than the richest king

If a man loses everything he owns
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?

So how do you measure the worth of a man
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?

So how do you judge what a man is worth
By what he builds or buys?

There are two other examples of this I want to share, one from my life, and one from a book I recently read, When Time Stopped by Ariana Neumann.

A couple years ago I lived in Alaska. When it was time to leave I had a large box that was going to be quite expensive to ship. Compounding that was the fact that I wasn't sure how long I'd be in the next place I was going. Talking with one of my friends about it, she offered to store the box in her garage's attic until I knew where I wanted it shipped so I didn't have to pay to ship it twice. I gratefully accepted her gracious offer. That offer transitioned into her offering to drop it off at my parents house when she was in the same area visiting her family for Christmas.

Fast forward to now, I still don't have that box with me. And you know what? I don't even remember everything that was in it. If I never get that box back, I'll be just fine.

The example from When Time Stopped is very different because Ariana Neumann's grandparents did not choose to leave anything behind. They were forced to when they were deported from Prague to Teretzin.

Here is something Ariana Neumann's grandfather Otto wrote to his children after spending some time as a prisoner in Teretzin:

“In the short time since our separation, I have somehow forgotten all that I left behind with you. What used to be important seems now inane. I know you will not understand me, as I myself nowadays do not understand the life I left with you. It is all like a terrible dream. Live life well. This can only be appreciated by someone who has sunk so low into humiliation as I have.”

He is certainly not saying he is happy. But he is saying that his ideas about what is important have shifted. The changes in his present influenced what he valued from his past.

I do not want people to have to lose everything, either by force or some degree of choice. But, I do wish we could more fully heed Otto's advice to "Live life well" and I hope and pray we can begin to realize that our worth is not tied to the material things we have. That we are better off building than buying. That we start to measure our value and wealth more from what we give and less from what we gained.

It has been my experience and observation that when we seek to build and give, when we worry less about our material possessions and more about our relationships and character development, we find we have gained so much more than we gave. And that what we've gained can't be taken away from us.

Movie Musings: Brian Banks

Historical Fiction and memoirs have long been my favorite genres to read. Similarly, 'based on a true story' movies have long been among my favorite films to watch. Also sports movies. I'm a sucker for sports movies.

There is something very inspiring to me about seeing what human beings are able to accomplish, especially when they come together around a common goal. 

Brian Banks is not a sports movie in the traditional sense. But it certainly is about what human beings are able to accomplish when they come together around a common goal. When they don't give up in the face of adversity. When they believe that people have inherent worth and strive to help them reach their potential.

And it is a sports movie, in a way. In the sense that a promising young man had the potential to have a successful career in the NFL, and how that was taken from him, and {SPOILER ALERT!!} how he won it back.

A little background: 

Brian Banks was accused of rape as a 16-year-old high school student. The charges included kidnapping and he was tried as an adult. He faced the possibility of life in prison in a her-word against his-word case. Ultimately, he decided to take a plea deal in part at the urging of his lawyer. As the California Innocence Project website says, the lesser of two evils. 

His accuser sued the school and got 1.5 million dollars. She later recanted her story admitting that she made the whole thing up. 

I am in awe of the way Brian Banks responded, particularly to his statement to the press after having his wrongful conviction overturned: “There comes a time when you have to let go in order to move on. The only thing I wasn’t going to let go was this fight”

[for more details and background, check out History vs Hollywood]

We all need people who believe in us and help point is on a positive, constructive path. Despite the unfortunate circumstances, Brian Banks met a man while in juvy that shaped his life through what he taught Brian. 

"All you can control in live is how you respond to life."

-Jerome Johnson

 

Those words influenced Brian through the rest of his time in juvy, in prison, and after he got out. 

"The system" is something people talk about a lot. And maybe even more now with a spotlight being directed at systemic racism. Some of the conversations in the movie made me think about "the system" in a different way.

Brian Banks was trying to convince a man named Justin Brooks who started an organization called The California Innocence Project to take on his case. Here is my paraphrased version of what Justin told Brian:

The system is broken, that's what I've been trying to tell you. It's supposed to be innocent until proven guilty, but so often it is the opposite.

 

Brian's response floored me. He challenged Justin, not in a confrontational angry way, but in a way that required a re-framing of ideas and extended an invitation to take responsibility for what we can control or how we can choose to view or interact with "the system". Brian asked 'What is the system?' and answered his own question 'It's people.' 

He went on to say:

"I know the system doesn't care about me, I've known that my whole life. The question is, do you?"

- Brian Banks

 

Do I? Do you? Or do we hide behind "the system"? 

I love what that question led Justin to decide: 

"I don't ever want to stop trying because the system has conditioned us to stop trying."

-Justin Brooks

 

And this requires us to take a long look at why things are the way they are. And what we can do now to change them. And yes, to acknowledge that in various ways and to various degrees we are responsible for creating and/or perpetuating wrongs in "the system"

Here is another truth Justin came to see as he worked to figure out why Brian ended up where he was: 

"The reason isn't just because a girl lied, it's because the system didn't care about the truth in the first place."

-Justin Brooks

 

And this one:

"I've come to realize that maybe it's not the system that failed him, maybe it's all of us."

-Justin Brooks

 

Towards the end of the movie, Brian's mom spoke to their legal representative, Justin Brooks, and the representative of the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office who were discussing whether to move forward with trying to overturn Brian's conviction. 

She pleads with them to try. She shares that a mother's only desire is to protect her children, and her feelings of pain and regret that she had not been able to do so. 

"I will go to my grave feeling the pain of his past. But you can do something today to change the pain of his future."

- Brain's Mom, Leomia Myers

 

Thankfully those two men decided to try, and they succeeded. 

Here is what Justin Brooks told Brian Banks:

"Thank you for not giving up and making sure I didn't either."

-Justin Brooks

 

So, what are we going to do because of any of this? 

Learn, I hope. Act differently, I pray.

We can learn both through our own hard experiences and others. Something Brian said holds great power: 

"Sometimes you have to walk deeper into the darkness to find the light. That was solitary for me."

-Brian Banks

 

Hard things are hard. Darkness is scary. How we respond to them, and how we reach out to others who go through them speaks volumes. 

The day after his conviction was overturned, Coach Pete Carroll called Brian Banks and invited him to try out for the Seattle Seahawks. In the movie, these are the words he spoke on that phone call: 

"I'm so sorry you had to go to hell and back Brian"

-Pete Carroll

 

Acknowledging hard things is powerful. Extending a hand is too. 

And this song playing in the background during the phone call scene is also powerful:

They tried to bring me down
They tried to count me out

They fill my head with doubt
But it's not, it's Not Over
And yes I've been through hell
But on the other side is where I found myself
And it's not, it's Not Over

-It's Not Over by Sam Fisher, Gizzle

 

We can never know exactly what someone else is going through. And I really hope most of us don't have to go through the hardest things that others do. But I don't think we have to know exactly what someone else is going through to help. And I don't think someone else has to know exactly what I'm going through in order for me to learn from them. 

Brian Banks was presented with this same idea from the man who changed his perspective while he was in prison: 

"Now look, I don't know exactly what it is you're going through. But you've got to let it go, or it is going to pull you down. How you got here might be wrong, but the fact is, you are here and before you leave this place physically, you must leave it mentally. Or you'll be back."

-Jerome Johnson

 

At the end of the film I was talking with my roommate (who joined me for the last 15 minutes) and told her sometimes I wish I had become a lawyer so I could help people in this way. She told me something I want to challenge everyone else to do as well: "I think you'd be better off thinking about what you can do now with your skills and knowledge than wishing you had different skills and knowledge."

We can all use what we know and our circle of influence to make things better. Remember, the system is made up of people. You and me. We can each show we care. 

Knowing how this film ends doesn't make it any less worth seeing. I watched it on Hulu. You can also watch it on Netflix and Prime Video (and other places, I'm sure!) 

And whether you watch it or not, show you care through word and deed. 

Speaks to My Soul: Drive by Ben Rector

I have often felt the feels of this song. But I feel them more now – after being confined mostly to the walls of my own home for more then two months.

Let's go

I don't care
Anywhere

And even the uncertainty of “what we’ll find” seems heightened in our current world

White lines flyin' by, who knows what we'll find
You and me tonight

The slow opening and a tentative return to “normal” that makes possible the very idea of “you and me” becoming a reality again is exciting.

When's the last time we dropped our things and went?
Woke up somewhere that we've both never been?

Too long.

That would generally be my response, but it is wholeheartedly my response right now.

But this line, it is rolling around in my brain:

Growin' up doesn't mean gettin' older

I want to do what I feel is the essence of this line: strive for the heart of a child. Maintain your wonder at the beautiful world around you. Make friends easily. Let go of hurts and build bridges back to people. Allow tears to wash away the pain and get back to living life fully. Hug those you love, hold their hand, say your love through actions (and words).

One more line jumps out – and stands in starker relief after the past couple months:

I just wanna come back with a memory

Even before quarantine and isolation, this was a sentiment that struck a chord. I’ve found that the more places I go and things I see, the truer this statement becomes for me.

Memories are what I want to carry with me. Pictures help me relive them. And even better is seeing and talking to the people I made those memories with again.

So, family, here I come – and let’s make some new memories and relive some old ones, whether we drive and wake up somewhere we’ve never been or just sit around mom and dad’s well-worn kitchen table.

P.S. Here’s a link to the song. Give it a listen. Better yet, go for a drive while listening :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbrvCyEoW0Q

Liberation Through Christ

For Easter Sunday last month, my congregation held a Zoom worship service.


It was powerful.

In preparation, we watched a video that our discussion leader created about Palm Sunday and the triumph of Christ.

Thinking about liberation, and what brings me to figuratively lay a palm frond at the feet of the Savior has been a cool exercise.

And it reminded me of times I have thought about liberation vs restrictions in the past.

One blog post I wrote touches on ways this has come up in relation to marriage.

I also remember many conversations I've had with others, particularly in graduate school.

Once, early in my program, we were sitting outside on the lawn around our main building enjoying free food and drinks. Someone asked me if I wanted a beer, I declined. A couple of questions later, people were asking me about my religious beliefs, specifically why I can't drink alcohol.

So often in these conversations, I found myself listing off what I "can't" do.

That couldn't be further from the truth. And entirely misses the point.

I am free to make any choice I want. I am, however, not free from the consequences.

God's commandments are set up to help us have the best chance of being healthy and happy in a true and lasting way.

Can I smoke? sure. But do I want to risk becoming dependent on a substance and the many health risks it introduces? No!

Can I drink? sure. But I think I have addictive tendencies and I'm so grateful I don't have to know for sure whether or not I'm an alcoholic. Plus, I HATE not being in control of my body and words and deeds.

Can I have premarital sex? Can I lie and steal and cheat? Yes, and yes.

But what I want is the peace of knowing I am doing what is right. I want guidance from God directly through the Holy Ghost.

It's not really about what I can't do. I want to keep the covenants I made with God because I want what He has promised in return, so that's what I choose to do.

One of the biggest forms of liberation I receive from Christ is a changed perspective. The ability to focus on what really matters. A reminder of who I am, what I am capable of, and the peace and assurance that comes from living life according to God's laws.

Speaks to My Soul Series: Tear Up This Town

Sometimes I don’t really know why I relate to a song so much.

But this line:

I need an answer but I'm always one step behind

That feels more real and relatable than I want it to.

I was talking to one of my friends about starting over. She’s looking for jobs and is casting a wide net. But the reality of moving somewhere where you don’t know anyone to start a new job, alone – it’s daunting.

I need a friend but a friend is so hard to find

Why? Why is it so hard to find a friend?

Here’s one of the reasons:

'Cause it takes time

To be fair, the song goes on to say:

'Cause it takes time
Learning to fly

Yes, learning to fly takes time. But the more I’ve thought about this, the more I realize it is true for most things. They take time.

And we’ll feel differently about it from day to day. Some days we’ll be able to push forward, other days we’ll hang back:

Some days I rage like a fire in the wilderness
Some days I only need the darkness and a place to rest

But I think the unwritten truth here is that if we are willing to put in the time – to not give up before things come together – we’ll be able to do it. Whatever it is: learn to fly, make a friend, find our answer.

Listen to the full song here