Mirrors: Reflections of Reality?

When I look in the mirror I don't usually like what I see. Usually I notice the fact that I haven't done my hair, or the five pounds I recently put on, or that my skin is not perfect. And usually I think that I am just being "objective". But, is my "objective" opinion or view of myself actually negatively skewed?

There is a line in "Believe" by Cherie Call that I have thought about a lot over the past few years:

Sometimes you see what Jesus sees
When you look in the mirror

What is it that Jesus sees in me? Jesus likely sees me as a whole person, and in light of what I can and am becoming. He is not fixated on my blemishes and imperfections. If he does gently remind me of something I need to work on, it is not to highlight the fact that I am imperfect but rather to aid me in becoming better - to help me move forward.

All this makes me think of the woman who is taken in adultery and brought before Jesus (see John 8). The scribes and Pharisees ask if they should stone the woman - which is the punishment prescribed by law. After a few moments, Jesus responds: "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her" (John 8:7). Slowly, these men walk away realizing that they too are not perfect.

The story continues: "When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more" (John 8:10-11).

This strikes me as a moment when someone figuratively saw herself in the mirror as Jesus saw her. Someone who was not perfect. Someone who could "go, and sin no more". Someone worth believing in.

I also had a moment like this. I was asked to play the flute in Church for Easter Sunday. I am NOT an accomplished flute player. I get very nervous playing in front of people. I have had some painful experiences in the past where I did not play well. However, I agreed to play. As I was preparing, I told myself that the goal was not to be perfect, or play amazingly. The goal was to invite the influence of the Holy Ghost and to touch the hearts of at least some of the people who heard the music.

Despite carefully prepping myself, I still sat down feeling poorly about the way I played. I was painfully aware of, and fixated on the less than perfect parts of the song. As in the past, when someone paid me a compliment, I was very tempted to (a) deflect or decline the compliment and/or (b) to assure myself they are just being nice or don't know what they are talking about (I know, I shouldn't admit these things about myself!).

When I sat down for the rest of the meeting, I found an index card I had written some thoughts on months ago: God doesn't want us to be ashamed because we are not perfect, not enough like His Son, Jesus Christ. Rather, He wants us to recognize our potential and constantly move closer to that potential.

And that made me think: Do I have to be perfect, or do something perfectly in order to touch others or invite the Holy Ghost?

The answer is no. We are not perfect beings. We can look at ourselves as a whole, and in light of what we are striving to become and not just what we are at this exact moment. Where we are headed is more important that where we have been and perhaps more important than where we are right now. I know I have a long way to go, and I will still have a hard time with mirrors. But, I am making progress. I can from time to time get a glimpse of how Jesus sees me and use that both as comfort and a motivating force onward and upward.

And Perhaps Until the Day I Die

Big surprise: I've been thinking a lot lately :) I'm looking for a new job, and I just spent a couple weeks in a place I'd never been before with some people I didn't know before I got there. Plenty of time, and reason, for introspection . . .

The people I stayed with are relatively new to the area themselves, and not sure how long they will be there - but they talk about the quality of the high school in the area and told me they are "planting roots like we'll be here a long time. But, who knows."

My long term plans are equally up in the air. And if I do move to a new area in my immediate next steps, I have no idea how long that next step will last. A few months? A few years? A decade? Who knows. But, doesn't that make it hard to move on and then hard to connect to people and things in the new area? Yes, I think it does.

This concept has become particularly poignant as I am applying for jobs - in multiple locations. How do I convince myself, let alone the person who I want to hire me, that this is a good move? Who wants to hire someone who might be gone in a couple months? Or even a year?

A story from the Book of Mormon came to mind as I thought about all this. Ammon and his brothers leave their homeland to teach and serve among the Lamanites, a people that their people are often at war with. They have a great desire to teach them about Christ and a love for the Lamanites, despite the wars between their people.

When Ammon first enters the land of the Lamanites, he is bound with cords and taken to the king of the land. The king could decide to kill Ammon, to put him in prison, to cast him out of the land - anything he felt like. If that were me, I would have been terrified. I would want to say something that would keep me alive and safe.

I have no idea what Ammon was thinking - but when the king asked if Ammon wanted to live among the Lamanites, Ammon responded: "Yea, I desire to dwell among this people for a time; yea, and perhaps until the day I die." (Alma 17:23)

Till the day he dies? Does he think that will (or at least might) be today? Does he really want to live there for the rest of his life? Is he just trying to make the king happy and stay alive?

I don't think so. I think what he is saying is more along these lines: I have come here with a purpose. It is a decision I made. It is something I intend to see through. I don't know how long that will take, but I have no plans to walk away from this goal, so I'll be here till it's done.

That is powerful to me. And I feel that is an attitude I can adopt. To me it embodies a "be happy now" or "blossom where you are planted" attitude. Don't wait till the next best thing comes along - because when it does, you'll just want the next next best thing. It also seems like a pretty good attitude to take into an interview. "Yes, this is where I want to be. And this is where I see myself for the foreseeable future."

Prayer

I recently finished an audio book that was in many ways a modern day prodigal son story (see Luke 15:11-32 ). There were a few interesting passages about prayer that really got me thinking.

"Prayer, you know, you open up your thoughts and then you can get a good look at them. No point trying to hide anything."

"Prayer is a discipline in truthfulness, in honesty."

Those two lines got me thinking about prayer in general and about the current state of my prayers.

I like this idea that prayer is a chance for us to be completely honest. We are talking with someone whom we cannot hide anything from, even if we want to (and even if we try). And it helps to remember that we pray to someone who loves us perfectly despite anything we may want to hide from Him - someone who can, and will, help us through/with anything we bring to Him. Prayer is a chance to get a good look at our thoughts, at our intended actions, at how we feel; a chance to make course corrections with the love and guidance of an all-knowing, perfectly loving Father.

It has been my experience that I can tell the health of my relationship with the Heavenly Father by the diligence and depth of my prayers and scripture study. That made me think about the things that I am, if not trying to hide, at least not bringing to the table in these sacred communications. It made me think about the importance of not simply going through some motions - but really, really taking the time to talk, to think through, to ask for advice. It also made me very glad that gems of truth can be found anywhere is we are only looking for them :)