Dealing with Hard Things - Call My Name Out Loud

Last week gave a talk in my ward and decided to post it here if anyone wants to read what's been on my mind that I decided to share in that public forum :)

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Good morning everyone. My name is Nicole Smith – most of you probably know that either from personal interactions with me, or from my (probably) overabundance of emails and Facebook posts about upcoming ward activities. You’re welcome!

My tendency is to skip intros, or small talk, and dive right in. I was recently telling Jonnie Larson, I don't love being the center of attention. But, like all of us, I'm also a bundle of contradictions. I was in my first play in 5th grade and continued performing on stage through college. But, part of the reason I always felt comfortable on stage was because I got to be someone I wasn’t – to hide behind a figurative mask. Up here, it’s just me. And that vulnerability still gets to me.

Words have always been a love of mine. I started speaking young – by the time I was nine months old I put together short sentences like “Look mommy, a goggy.” (causing adults nearby to double take – asking my mother “How old is she?”). But my own words are not always adequate at conveying what I think or how I feel. This is one of the reasons I love song lyrics. They have a way of speaking straight to my soul.

Right now, I work part-time for a Juice Bar in the Seaport that is always playing music. One of the songs I hear often has a phrase that stands out every time:

This is for anybody going through tough times
Believe me, been there, done that
But everyday above ground is a great day, remember that
              -Time of Our Lives, Pitt Bull, Ne-Yo

The morning of the Hafen’s memorial service, a loss that touched most everyone in this room personally, I was in an Uber on my way to work. I had a friendly, talkative driver, and he asked about my day and my life. One way or another, the topic of religion came up. He asked me, “How is your relationship with the Lord?”

“Good,” I instinctively replied. After the briefest pause, I added, “I mean, I think it’s good…I hope it is.”

“Do you want to know how you can tell?” He asked me.

“How?”

“You and I are having a conversation right now. I’m talking and you’re listening. Then you talk and I listen. When we pray, we are talking to God, and He listens. ‘Dear God, please help me,’ we say, and God thinks, ‘Okay, he wants some help.’ ‘Dear God, please forgive me,’ we say, and God thinks, ‘Okay, he wants forgiveness.’ But when we want to hear from God, we read the scriptures.”

I nodded, thinking, I can get behind that.

Then he said, “Is there anything else you want to know about, you can ask me anything.”

Blinking back tears, I asked sincerely, “Any advice on how to deal with loss?”

Loss. Hard things. Those are things I’ve thought a lot about over the past year and a half. And something that kept coming back to my mind while preparing for this talk.

Here is an excerpt from a blog post I wrote after a loss in my life in February 2018:

“Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.” (2 Nephi 2:25)

I truly believe that scripture is true. But I also know that life isn't one joyful moment after another – there are a lot of not so great moments sprinkled in that come with great pain and heartache attached.

Right now is one of those times when the fact that life isn't fair is 'in your face' and joy seems distant.

………………………….

I am grateful for the kind of relationships in this life that make us hurt when bad things happen to people we love. Not that I want bad things to happen, but that I want to care about people so much that I do hurt when they hurt.

Every person in this room can think of a loss or hard thing in their life – recent or more distant. Elder Quinten L Cook’s talk from General Conference in October 2008 titled “Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time” has some really beautiful words on the subject of dealing with the hard things we all face.

“We are aware that many who are listening to this conference are experiencing trials and hardships of such intensity that the underlying feeling in their hearts as they approach our Father in Heaven in prayer is “Hope ya know, I’m having a hard time.”

… many of the trials and hardships we encounter in life are severe and appear to have lasting consequences.

One of the essential doctrines illuminated by the Restoration is that there must be opposition in all things for righteousness to be brought to pass. This life is not always easy, nor was it meant to be; it is a time of testing and proving.

The novel A Tale of Two Cities opens with the oft-quoted line “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” The scriptures make it clear that each generation has its own version of best and worst of times. We are all subject to the conflict between good and evil and the contrast between light and dark, hope and despair

[Brigham Young said] “…we are not going to suffer any more than what is for our good.”

We know from the scriptures that some trials are for our good and are suited for our own personal development. … It is also true that every cloud we see doesn’t result in rain. Regardless of the challenges, trials, and hardships we endure, the reassuring doctrine of the Atonement wrought by Jesus Christ includes Alma’s teaching that the Savior would take upon Him our infirmities and “succor his people according to their infirmities.”

Something that has become more and more clear to me over the past year and a half is how much we need each other. This is true in both good times and hard times.

Not only do we need each other, we have to be willing to ask for help. To let others know when we are struggling. To allow them to help us.

I had two friends illustrate this in my life recently.

A friend from DC posted on Facebook “I need help with my solo prayers.” And asked for help praying for specific things.

John Sue-Ho said, “If you ever need something to pray for, you can ask, “Bless Sue-Ho with the black hole that is what he needs.”

We all have specific need, and a black hole worth of them. We could all use help with our solo prayers.

One of the ways God teaches us this principle is through the use of the word ‘knock’ in the scriptures.

14 of the 18 uses of the word 'knock' in the King James version of the Bible and the triple combination, the Book of Mormon, the Pearl of Great Price and the Doctrine and Covenants, are an invitation to us to knock and things will be opened unto us.

One is the Savior knocking on our door asking us to let him in, attesting his willingness to help if we allow Him to. Revelations 3:20 says:

20 Behold, I [Jesus] stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

Song lyrics have also driven this idea home for me.

James Taylor highlights this in his song You’ve Got a Friend

If the sky above you
Grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud
Soon you’ll hear me knocking at your door
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come running, to see you again

Bill Withers also touches on this in Lean On Me

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
…..

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show

You just call on me brother [or sister, or friend…], when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on
.....

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load

God asks us to knock. James Taylor tells us to ‘call my name out loud’ and Bill Withers reminds us that “no one can fill those of your needs That you won’t let show.”

While we have been promised that we will not be given more to bear than we can handle, there are times that it feels we have been pushed too close to that limit. And in those moments, we can rest assured that we are not the only ones who have felt that way.

Joseph Smith experienced this in Liberty Jail and he prayed asking:

1 O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? (Doc & Cov 121: 1)

And Jesus Christ Himself, ever our perfect example, also asked: “…if it be possible, let this cup pass from me.”

Let’s think about that request for a minute. Christ knew what was coming. He knew it was going to be hard. He knew He had to die in order to provide a way for all of us to be saved through His Atonement. He knew He would rise again on the third day after His death. And He also knew that his disciples did not fully understand any of this.

Even knowing how things would turn out in the end, and even being the literal Son of God, Jesus Christ needed help and support, and He asked for it. In a moment of need, he turned to those who were closest to him. In the King James version of the Bible, we read in Matthew 26 verses 38-40:

38 Then saith he [Jesus] unto them [his disciples], My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me. 

39 And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt. 

40 And he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What, could ye not watch with me one hour?

Asking can be hard. Especially knowing that others do not always come through for us, as the Savior experienced with His disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane. But we have to ask. And, often, we do receive help from others right when we need it, or in ways we wouldn’t have predicted.

And it requires honesty from us. When someone asks, "How' life?" as a friend of mine did recently, we can respond with, "You know, I think I lost the arm wrestle, but I might still be in it for the thumb war!"  Instead of saying, "I'm fine."

An experience I had last year illustrated this for me. I wrote about it in a blog post titled, “I Can Help You”

“I can help you,” the cashier said, looking up as I walked into the bank.

And he did.

That moment of exchanged smiles and assistance in my busy day faded as I got bogged down in all that followed.

Coming home late that night it was dark and cold. My heart was heavy. I angled my bike as I must to be able to open the first door into my building. I put the key in, then found myself remembering another forgotten moment of assistance.

…..

“Here, let me help you,” Jenn said, jumping out of her car.

You’ve already helped me so much just by driving me home and listening to me! I wanted to say.

“I don’t know how you do this by yourself all the time,” she exclaimed as, together, we unlocked the doors and brought my bike into the building.

I smiled and laughed, thanked her, and then we parted ways.

Pushing my bike down the hallway, I contemplated how we manage to find a way to make things work when we have to. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be better if we had help.

…..

Lost in thought, I didn’t notice the woman inside my building until she was opening the second door for me, offering assistance in my moment of need. “Thank you!” I told her with a big smile.

She smiled back. We wished each other “Have a good night”’s and parted richer for the brief interaction.

I needed those reminders of the value and impact of little things.

I want to be more aware of and attentive to the chance to open a door to someone who could use an extra hand in that moment, or the chance to do what I do on a regular basis (like the cashier at the bank) that enables me to help others move forward on their journey. 

I think one of the reasons little things matter is that they can be very deliberate. We have to be intentional. We have to be aware of others in order to do them.

Some people say life is so short. And for some people it is. And, as Ally Walker pointed out, based on her experience in a ukulele group where most members were in their 80s or 90s, sometimes life is very long.

I’ll end with a quote from one of my favorite books, The Chosen by Chaim Potok.

“We live less than the time it takes to blink an eye, if we measure our lives against eternity. So it may be asked what value is there to a human life.
………
I learned a long time ago, Reuven, that a blink of an eye in itself is nothing. But the eye that blinks, that is something. A span of life is nothing. But the man who lives that span, he is something. He can fill that tiny span with meaning, so its quality is immeasurable though its quantity may be insignificant.”
― Chaim Potok, The Chosen

I’m grateful to have great people in my life. You, my fellow Charles River Ward members, are significant, and you have filled your lives with meaning. By so doing, you have helped my life have more meaning. Thank you for being people who I can lean on. People who do little, and big, things for me regularly. And please, call my name out loud so I can come running – we just might have problems that each other can understand.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen