Life From a Gospel Perspective: December 2020

“What do you mean?” my roommate said as she pulled back from my hug to wipe her tears.

We were in her room, she was having a hard moment and I came to offer some comfort.

“This is such a magical time of year, and there are often so many good things going on, but sometimes that’s exactly what makes it hard. We know we ‘should’ be happy, but we are not.”

2020 has been an extremely challenging year for many people, for many reasons.

Isolation is high on that list for most people.

I’ve chosen to live on the opposite side of the country from my family for nearly two decades. Most of the time I enjoy the space and have loved where I live. Sometimes I question all my choices and wonder why I am so far from the people I care about the most.

But, in the past, I have been greatly blessed to be able to go visit my family once or twice a year. Mostly that involves me getting on a plane and flying to them. A few times it has involved hours in a car driving to see them. And sometimes it has meant all of us getting in planes and meeting up in other countries.

This year, some of that has been taken away.

In more ways than one.

Travel restrictions and social distancing requirements due to COVID-19 have kept so many people apart. Even people who are relatively physically close.

My Grandpa Smith has felt this isolation acutely. His wife, my Grandma, has dementia. He has been her provider their whole married life, but over the past few years he has been her caretaker as she disappeared into the past. I’ve been at their house when she’s announced, “Well, thank you for visiting and telling us stories, but I better go home now.” I watched helplessly as my Grandpa explained to her that she was home, and as she insisted that she was not and needed to get going before it got any later. I listened to him negotiate and reason and cajole. I wondered how often this happened, and what worked best – offering her chocolate? Convincing her to get ready for bed? Certainly not reminding her that he was her husband and they had lived together in that house for decades.

Just before COVID shut things down, my Grandma fell, again. Thankfully, her early falls were more slides. So, no broken bones or serious injuries. But she was again on the ground and my Grandpa couldn’t help her up. The decision was made to have my Grandma move into a care facility. At least in my Grandpa’s mind, this was temporary while he figured out how to have help at home.

Whether that would have been possible in normal circumstances, we’ll never know. Instead, my Grandpa was suddenly separated from his wife as COVID spread; Told he could no longer visit her for the health and safety of her, those living and working in her care facility, and himself.

I’ve been periodically calling my grandpa to check in for years. Calling and talking to him more recently showed me how lonely he is. How much he misses having my Grandma at home, even if she no longer knew who he was, her presence made a world of difference for him.

On a video chat discussing 2020 Christmas plans, my Dad told us his mom broke her hip. Her hospice nurse said she likely had less than two weeks to live. She is in a lot of pain, and now spends her days and nights sedated in a bed. They made visitation exceptions and my dad and his two brothers were able to go visit her and give her a priesthood blessing, a practice in my church where a special prayer is offered for those who are sick or in need of special guidance and direction in their lives.

So, at this beautiful time of year where we focus on family and the example of people who give and make this world a brighter place, namely Jesus Christ and also Father Christmas (who I have always viewed as a type of Christ – a man who travels the world giving presents, who spreads good cheer and reminds us to be good and to see the best in others), I’m reminded that for many it is a dark time. The weather in the northern hemisphere can be harsh and unforgiving at this time. Storms come and knock out power. The days are short and sometimes it feels like there is no light to be had. Other people’s joy and time with family can remind us of what we are missing – either because we lost it or have never had it.

This year, it makes me extra grateful to have wonderful memories. Memories of Smith Family Christmas Parties – being in my grandparents home when I was young putting on a live reenactment of the Nativity story with my cousins then driving home through snowy streets looking at lights on houses with the wide eyed awe of childhood. And later, being in church buildings of my aunts and uncles, rotating around through the family but always bringing food and laughter and usually musical performances followed by singing of Christmas carols. Then Grandpa Smith would read the story of Christ’s birth from Luke chapter two. My Grandma has always been more quiet, but always there. And I will miss her so much.

I’m sad she has to leave this earth at this time of year, and with the world in the state that it is. I’m sad that I won’t have more time with her. I’m sad for my Grandpa to live on without her. I’m sad for my Dad to lose his mother. I’m sad this is happening when we can’t gather and celebrate the life of an amazing woman and sad that we can’t collectively grieve – and get the chance to reminisce and to hug one another, to share and help hold up the grief and pain and add some lightness through the sharing.

My heart reaches out to all those who are also going through hard times and feelings right now. For anyone who has lost a loved one. For anyone who has lost a job. For anyone who has lost motivation. For any loss that is weighing on your heart and mind and soul. For anyone who feels alone. For anyone who is sick or afflicted. For those who are marginalized or misunderstood.

Despite all of this, scratch that, because of all of this there is something I think we all have to do: Reach out. My experiences having people reach out to me and in reaching out to others has taught me that we never know everything that others are going through or have gone through. Treat those around you kindly. There is never harm in sharing love and seeking to lift another.