One of THOSE Days

One day while in grad school I was walking home in the pouring rain and realized I either had to laugh or cry. So, I started singing "Bring on the Rain" at the top of my lungs.

Yep, just my luck. Some man on the third floor balcony of a multi-family house laughs and shouts some encouraging words to me. I stop singing and skipping down the sidewalk and waved my thanks.

Today there was no physical rain, but I still felt like singing this song:

Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war ('cause)

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
And I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead, no ('cause)

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight ('cause)

Tomorrow's another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain

- Bring on the Rain, Jo Dee Massina

Going Old School

When I think of songs from my early teenage years, All Star by Smashmouth is always high on that list (along with The Middle by Jimmy Eat World).

There is a particular set of lines that have always stood out to me - and that seem particularly poignant to me lately:

"Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas
I need to get myself away from this place
I said yep what a concept
I could use a little fuel myself
And we could all use a little change"

- All Star, Smashmouth

For some reason, this has been linked pretty directly to the Hymn "Because I have Been Given Much" - check out these lyrics:

Because I have been given much, I too must give.

Because of thy great bounty, Lord each day I live.

I shall divide my gifts from thee with every brother that I see,

who has the need of help from me.

Because I have been sheltered, fed by thy good care…

I cannot see another’s lack and I not share-

my glowing fire, my loaf of bread-my roof’s safe shelter over head,

that he too may be comforted.

I often wonder if I really feel that way - or do I fall into the trap of "coveting what I do not have" or just not sharing what I do have?

21And now, if God, who has created you, on whom you are dependent for your lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another.

22And if ye judge the man who putteth up his petition to you for your substance that he perish not, and condemn him, how much more just will be your condemnation for withholding your substance, which doth not belong to you but to God, to whom also your life; and yet ye put up no petition, nor repent of the thing which thou hast done.

23I say unto you, wo be unto that man, for his substance shall perish with him; and now, I say these things unto those who are rich as pertaining to the things of this world.

24And again, I say unto the poor, ye who have not and yet have sufficient, that ye remain from day to day; I mean all you who deny the beggar, because ye have not; I would that ye say in your hearts that: I give not because I have not, but if I had I would.

25And now, if ye say this in your hearts ye remain guiltless, otherwise ye are condemned; and your condemnation is just for ye covet that which ye have not received.

- Mosiah 4:21-25

This all makes me think. It makes me examine how I feel in my heart when someone asks for spare change. It makes me contemplate what it is that I have that I can give. And I've seen some great examples in my life - friends who have handed over change, who have taken time to talk and express love in various ways, friends who have purchased meals, stories of people carrying around gift certificates for food to hand out. There are certainly things I can do to show the love I have towards my fellow men - ways to provide fuel and change - I just have to do them.

Just a line

Pandora Radio is one of my best friends at work these days. There was a song that played with just one line that I felt was just for me:

"Keep on walking towards that new life that you found"

- Take it Back, Sister Hazel

If you look up the song, pay no attention to any of the other lyrics or underlying theme. But, know that I am doing my best to keep looking forward and walking towards my new life . . . whatever it brings!

Grateful for the Chance to Choose!

Today in Relief Society we talked about agency - one of my favorite principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Our lesson today was based on a talk from President Thomas S. Monson in General Conference November 2010 - The Three R's of Choice. Below are my favorite two paragraphs from his talk:

"We know that we had our agency before this world was and that Lucifer attempted to take it from us. He had no confidence in the principle of agency or in us and argued for imposed salvation. He insisted that with his plan none would be lost, but he seemed not to recognize—or perhaps not to care—that in addition, none would be any wiser, any stronger, any more compassionate, or any more grateful if his plan were followed.

We who chose the Savior’s plan knew that we would be embarking on a precarious, difficult journey, for we walk the ways of the world and sin and stumble, cutting us off from our Father. But the Firstborn in the Spirit offered Himself as a sacrifice to atone for the sins of all. Through unspeakable suffering He became the great Redeemer, the Savior of all mankind, thus making possible our successful return to our Father."

And that brings me to my lyrics for the day:

"Know then that ev'ry soul is free,
To choose his life and what he'll be;
For this eternal truth is given,
That God will force no man to heaven.

He'll call, persuade direct aright;,
And bless with wisdom, love, and light;
In nameless ways be good and kind;
But never force the human mind."

Know This, That Every Soul Is Free, Hymn 240 in LDS Hymnbook

I can't even express how much I LOVE this - God won't force us to do what is right. BUT, He will provide us with help and direction if we are willing to ask for and follow His guidance.

What are the Answers?

"Take your headphones off little girl
Listen to the sounds of the world
Put your heart into it,
It's all intuitive.

Paint a picture black and white
Write a book about the meaning of life
You gotta use what you've been given
To change the world you're livin' in.

What would you do with all the answers?"

- Afterglow, Ian Axel

The last line above is what keeps running through my mind.

Honestly, I don't know. And it might, no - it would depend on what the answers are.

But, I'd like to think I would correct some of the gross injustices of the world. Take this one for example:

http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ln9aa10UAg1qzqlvro1_500.png

I'm Not Mahana

Over the past year of so I have grown so much in ways that I did not anticipate and could not have predicted.

There have been a few key people who have been instrumental in my personal growth . . . and I can’t imagine where I would be right now without them!

Recently I had one of those late night pity parties/why sessions: why can’t I get married – am I just not good enough? What am I doing wrong? And I typed all my heartfelt feelings to my friend. His response? Not what I expected, but just what I needed to hear. You see, most people would have said “oh no, there’s nothing wrong with you, you are pretty!” Instead, he said: “No, no, no you can't think about things that way. You'll go insane.” And then, “you can't place your value on getting married. You just can't. You contribute too much to get caught up on one thing.”

It is amazing to me how people can do such little things and those little things can have such a profound impact in our lives.

That same friend introduced me to a song with a line that could say “definition of Nicole” in front of it:

"In the depths of her interior
Were fears she was inferior."

- Ah, but Underneath, Follies by Stephen Sondheim

As I thought about my conversations, experiences, thoughts and feelings I have had over the past year or so, I learned something very, very interesting about myself. There is a part of me – a huge, mostly sub-conscious part of me, that has felt like Mahana. Yes, I’m referencing that old school movie Johnny Lingo - the one where the expert trader pays 8 cows (a HUGE) sum for a woman the island thinks is not worth dirt. He takes her away for their honeymoon and comes back with a beautiful woman people can’t believe is really the same Mahana. (you should watch the video . . .)

The thing is, I don’t have external people calling me “Mahana, you ugly” but the voices in my head have said this nearly my whole life.

As I re-watched Johnny Lingo, I realized my answer was there the whole time. While I had focused in on the “fact” that Johnny Lingo made Mahana beautiful by believing in her, he knew the truth. At the end of the film, Johnny Lingo says: “Many things can happen to make a woman beautiful. The thing that matters most is what she thinks of herself.”

In the words of a pop song:

“You’re so mean/When you talk/About yourself/You are wrong/Change the voices/In your head/Make them like you/Instead.”

– Pink, Perfect

Like most of us, I am full of insecurities. But one of the things I have learned in the past year is that I am not Mahana – I do not need a man to come along and finally convince me that I am good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough, or spiritual enough - or anything else. I can overcome my insecurities. I can learn to love myself.

My new goal:

“I'm not perfect
Don't have to be
Can walk around in just bare feet
I'm comfortable in my own skin
My confidence, it starts within”

- Natasha Bedingfield Sojourn lyrics

Song Lyrics that Speak to My Soul

Lately I've been on a kick of posting song lyrics on Facebook/gchat. I think you can learn a lot from a phrase here or there. My challenge to myself is to post a lyric/set of lyrics a day for a week - with or without commentary.

Hope you enjoy!

"Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring"

Free to be Me, by Francesca Battistelli

This pretty much sums up how I have felt my whole life, and especially how I feel right now as I search for a job in a new city . . .

One Step at a Time

Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene—one step enough for me.

Lead, Kindly Light Hymn 97

This is a time in my life when I can truly say I am content to only know one step at a time. And when I start to feel overwhelmed by what is in the distant scene, I have found great peace in focusing on what the next step is.

Simply Couldn't be Happier

*Disclaimer: I have never seen the musical Wicked or read the book, but I LOVE the sound track

Just wanted you to know up front that my thoughts on a line from the Wicked sound track are not rooted in the story line of Wicked - rather it is my typical relating of a line from here or there to my life and the way I view the world.

The following are some excerpts from the song “I Couldn't be Happier” sung by Glinda (the good witch).

“But I couldn't be happier,
simply couldn't be happier
Well-- not "simply"”

“So I couldn't be happier.
Because happy is what happens
when all your dreams come true.
Well, isn't it?”

These lines seem to raise two very interesting questions about happiness.

(1) Is/should happiness be simple?

(2) How do we define what happiness is, or how do we know when we have achieved “happiness”?

Thinking about Glinda’s acknowledgment “Well—not simply” makes me think about how many times I have wanted to take the easy way out. How many times I have simply accepted the status quo rather than put forth the necessary effort to make a change.

It also makes me think about what my Church teaches about happiness, and how to find lasting happiness.

"Many people try to find happiness and fulfillment in activities that are contrary to the Lord’s commandments. Ignoring God’s plan for them, they reject the only source of real happiness. . . . Others seek only to have fun in life. With this as their main goal, they allow temporary pleasure to distract them from lasting happiness. They rob themselves of the enduring joys of spiritual growth, service, and hard work."

“Happiness,” True to the Faith, (2004),79–80

I don’t believe that happiness is something that just happens to us. Maybe happiness is what happens when our dreams come true – but they won’t come true without some serious attention and hard work on our part. As Tiana’s father taught her in Disney’s The Frog Princess:

“Yes, you wish and you dream with all your little heart. But you remember dear Anawet, that old star can only take you part of a way. You got to help him with some hard work of your own. And then... Yeah you can do anything you said you mind to.”

So, it may not be “simply” but we can be happy – the best part is that we decide.

7 1/2 Cents Vs. I Want to be a Billionaire

This weekend on a hike with some friends we discussed wonderful and terrible lyrics in pop songs. Someone presented "I Want to be a Billionaire" as a song with terrible lyrics.

For the record, I think this is a fun song - and I like the sentiment expressed in the following lines (or at least what I choose to take from them!):

"We in recession but let me take a crack at it
I’ll probably take whatever's left and just split it up
So everybody that I love can have a couple bucks
And not a single tummy around me would know what hungry was
Eating good sleeping soundly
I know we all have a similar dream"

Despite whatever beautiful sentiments I derive from these lyrics, my friend hates the underlying message of the song as a whole: I'll just sit around wishing for what I want. His theory is that if they really want to be a billionaire they would go out and do something that would move them closer to thier goal.

I can respect that.

Our discussion made me think of the chorus to 7 1/2 Cents from The Pajama Game:

"Seven and a half cents doesn't buy a heck of a lot,
Seven and a half cents doesn't mean a thing!
But give it to me every hour,
Forty hours every week,
And that's enough for me to be living like a king!
I figured it out"

This song is something that has stuck with me since my Jr. High production of The Pajama Game. If "I Want to be a Billionaire" represents just sitting around wishing for what we want, 7 1/2 Cents has come to represent the opposite to me over the years.

The two phrases that I think about the most are: "Seven and a half cents doesn't buy a whole lot" (yes, my Jr. High director modified that line for us . . .) and "I figured it out". To me, this is a reminder that we can figure things out, and we don't need a lot of money, time, skill or other resources. We have to decide what we really want, figure out what we need in order to get there and then make it happen.

While, if I had to choose, I'd pick to work for 7 1/2 cents instead of wishing I were a billionaire, I do like the idea that we can use what we have to bless others (split our money so everyone has a couple bucks and people are fed). And while I don't anticipate I'll ever have lots of money, I hope that if I ever do I will use it in a wise manner that benefits many people.