I'm Not Mahana

Over the past year of so I have grown so much in ways that I did not anticipate and could not have predicted.

There have been a few key people who have been instrumental in my personal growth . . . and I can’t imagine where I would be right now without them!

Recently I had one of those late night pity parties/why sessions: why can’t I get married – am I just not good enough? What am I doing wrong? And I typed all my heartfelt feelings to my friend. His response? Not what I expected, but just what I needed to hear. You see, most people would have said “oh no, there’s nothing wrong with you, you are pretty!” Instead, he said: “No, no, no you can't think about things that way. You'll go insane.” And then, “you can't place your value on getting married. You just can't. You contribute too much to get caught up on one thing.”

It is amazing to me how people can do such little things and those little things can have such a profound impact in our lives.

That same friend introduced me to a song with a line that could say “definition of Nicole” in front of it:

"In the depths of her interior
Were fears she was inferior."

- Ah, but Underneath, Follies by Stephen Sondheim

As I thought about my conversations, experiences, thoughts and feelings I have had over the past year or so, I learned something very, very interesting about myself. There is a part of me – a huge, mostly sub-conscious part of me, that has felt like Mahana. Yes, I’m referencing that old school movie Johnny Lingo - the one where the expert trader pays 8 cows (a HUGE) sum for a woman the island thinks is not worth dirt. He takes her away for their honeymoon and comes back with a beautiful woman people can’t believe is really the same Mahana. (you should watch the video . . .)

The thing is, I don’t have external people calling me “Mahana, you ugly” but the voices in my head have said this nearly my whole life.

As I re-watched Johnny Lingo, I realized my answer was there the whole time. While I had focused in on the “fact” that Johnny Lingo made Mahana beautiful by believing in her, he knew the truth. At the end of the film, Johnny Lingo says: “Many things can happen to make a woman beautiful. The thing that matters most is what she thinks of herself.”

In the words of a pop song:

“You’re so mean/When you talk/About yourself/You are wrong/Change the voices/In your head/Make them like you/Instead.”

– Pink, Perfect

Like most of us, I am full of insecurities. But one of the things I have learned in the past year is that I am not Mahana – I do not need a man to come along and finally convince me that I am good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough, or spiritual enough - or anything else. I can overcome my insecurities. I can learn to love myself.

My new goal:

“I'm not perfect
Don't have to be
Can walk around in just bare feet
I'm comfortable in my own skin
My confidence, it starts within”

- Natasha Bedingfield Sojourn lyrics