Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Emotion

Crying at work is never a good thing, for a variety of reasons.

I did today.

And not the sniffle a few times kinda way. The shoulders shaking, eyes squeezed closed, tears pouring down your cheeks, have to blow your nose a few times kinda way.

So when I walked out of the office into the pouring rain, it seemed fitting.

I'm not happy about, or proud of the situation I was in today. But, it reminded me of something a friend recently told me: "I'd rather feel, and feel pain, than nothing at all."

Lately I've been learning that I care. A lot. Maybe too much for my own ultimate good...Basically, I'm learning that my perspectives and the energy I expend are a little off. Time for some adjustments.

My boss told me that I should never let myself get to the place I did today again. Ironically, I made that promise to myself a few years ago. I hope I learned from this situation. There are a number of things I need to figure out. And, it seems to me that acknowledging that I need to is a step in the right direction. A song lyric comes to mind:

"No one can fill those of your needs you don't let show."

I suppose that applies even to helping ourselves.

She also reminded me that I am more in control at any given time than I may think. As I thought about this on the way home I realized that taking control is very powerful. As we actively make change (just another way to say "take control") we are empowering ourselves.

I do have control. I choose what I do. I choose how I react. I choose whether or not I suffer in silence.

And right now I choose to put this all aside, and do something I love, something that brings peace to my soul.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Hidden Sorrow

On Sunday I taught a lesson on Learning by Faith. I LOVE learning. And I really enjoy teaching. And I am always so grateful for all that I learn as I prepare to teach and also from those I teach.

One of the comments made in class really resonated with me - the idea that when God wants to teach us something He hits us from all sorts of angles with the same idea. I have definitely experienced that from time to time in my life.

This is one of those times. I've been thinking about sorrow a lot lately. My own and others. I don't know that many people are aware of my personal sorrow. Either my current sorrow or some of the sorrows of my past. I'm okay with that. In fact, I would say I often take significant pains to make sure others don't know.

There have been a couple of things I have learned about others that have reminded me that I am not the only one who hides pain away inside. Smiles and superficial interaction can be very deceiving. This reminded me that I can stay wrapped up in my own troubles, or I can remember that:

a) I'm not alone in dealing with hard things and I can (and probably should) turn to others, and
b) I should be aware that there is always more than meets the eye and if I make an effort, I can make a positive difference in the lives of those around me

There are some phrases from some hymns that keep coming to mind:
"In the quiet heart is hidden Sorrow that they eye can't see." (Lord, I Would Follow You)

"May thy mercy be revealed. Soothe my troubled heart and spirit; May my unseen wounds be healed" (As I Search the Holy Scriptures)

"Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace When other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, Searching my soul? Where, when my aching grows, Where, when I languish, Where, in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?" (Where Can I Turn for Peace)
I'm grateful that I was reminded that I'm not the only one that has a "hidden sorrow that the eye can't see" and that I was reminded of times in my life that my own hidden sorrows have been calmed as I think about and try to ease the sorrows of others. It is absolutely fascinating to me that sorrow looked at and dwelt on seems to grow and that sorrow turned away from - especially in the efforts of helping others always seem to fade away.

The other thing that my recent experiences have made me think about is the power in having a tender heart. One of my personal theme songs is I'm Sensitive by Jewel. She talks about how she is sensitive and wants to be. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that. I listened to that song today and remembered part of the reason I love it:
"So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way"
And I also found words of peace and comfort and validation in a book a friend lent me (The Lost Gate by Orson Scott Card). A father is chastising one of his children for giving their sibling a hard time. He says, "Never mock a tender heart"

As I read that and thought about all the things going on in my life, the lives of those around me, and past experiences I realized that the world tries to mock us for having tender hearts. And we face a lot of challenging things in our lives. All of which tempt us to protect ourselves and our hearts by shutting down and building protective walls around ourselves. I realized that I really do want to fight that inclination. It might be painful, but I want to be sensitive. I want to be open and help others. I want to care. I want to be hurt because it means I can feel. And I especially want to be sensitive to others and help protect tender hearts and help keep them open.

Yay for thinking things through electronically. Thanks for reading along :)