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Today as I walked to the T from my dentist appointment a guy held out his worn looking cup and asked if I had any change to spare. I rarely carry cash or change with me. Today was one of those days. So, I said "I'm sorry, I don't" with sadness in my eyes and a pang of sorrow in my heart.
I had not gotten more than a few steps away when I realized I did have some change with me - a nickel. I found that nickel on the stairs of my campus a few days ago, had picked it up and put in my coat pocket. As soon as a realized that, I turned around digging the nickel out of my pocket as I walked, and dropping it into the empty cup said "Actually, I have a nickel."
Turning back towards the T once again, I said a little prayer in my heart. I asked God to bless those who have so little that maybe their hope and faith that things will get better might increase, and that those like me who have more will be willing and able to share what we do have.
A nickel is not a lot. By itself it will not do much for that man, and in some ways, it may even have seemed insulting. But it was all I had with me (besides a cough drop and tissues, which I suppose he might have been able to use). When I got to the T I saw another nickel on the ground. Again, I know a nickel is not much, but I picked this one up too and put it in my pocket again. For me, it stood as a small and simple reminder that someone is watching and knows what we do. He appreciates the small acts of kindness we do. He was reminding me personally that what I have is not mine, and I will be blessed as I seek ways to reach out in love to those around me.
Some may say it was just two nickels and a coincidence, but it taught me a great lesson and is helping me set patterns of giving and being aware of the needs of those around me.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
It's Not Just What You Say
In one of my classes this week we were talking about the ethical nature of the choices we make and the way we interact with others. My professor was pushing us to define honesty and think about when it is necessary. Does it mean simply not making statements that are false? Can you say nothing and be dishonest? Is it sometimes okay to be dishonest?
These are questions that sometimes, or even often, seem to have blurry lines - or to be more gray than black and white. My professor told us the rule of thumb that he likes to use: If you do something with the intent to mislead it is unethical, even if to do so would put you at a strategic advantage.
Personally, I like my professors rule of thumb. It is not just what you say, or fail to say, it is also the intent behind your words. I think it takes courage to be honest and to not let someone keep believing something that is not true even if revealing the truth may seem strategically unadvantageous.
In the long run, honesty and fair-play are strategically wise strategies to use. It is important to remember also that things that may not technically be unethical may ultimately undermine trust. Life is full of ongoing relationships and interactions. It is always wise to work to build and improve relationships and to address concerns as they arise. The peace of mind and conscience that comes from being honest is more important to me than any perceived gains of acting in an unethical manner.
These are questions that sometimes, or even often, seem to have blurry lines - or to be more gray than black and white. My professor told us the rule of thumb that he likes to use: If you do something with the intent to mislead it is unethical, even if to do so would put you at a strategic advantage.
Personally, I like my professors rule of thumb. It is not just what you say, or fail to say, it is also the intent behind your words. I think it takes courage to be honest and to not let someone keep believing something that is not true even if revealing the truth may seem strategically unadvantageous.
In the long run, honesty and fair-play are strategically wise strategies to use. It is important to remember also that things that may not technically be unethical may ultimately undermine trust. Life is full of ongoing relationships and interactions. It is always wise to work to build and improve relationships and to address concerns as they arise. The peace of mind and conscience that comes from being honest is more important to me than any perceived gains of acting in an unethical manner.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Who I Really Am
This is not a contemplation of the cosmic who am I and why am I here question. If you want to know my thoughts on this, you can read a previous blog post of mine by clicking here. This is a consideration of reconciling the "Nicole" that others see and tell me about and the "Nicole" I feel like on the inside.
All too often I find myself thinking something like "If they really knew me they would not like me so much. They would see that I am nowhere near as amazing as they think I am." I was having a negative thoughts about myself moment the other day. As I sat there thinking, I remembered a conversation from a Sunday School class a few months back. We were talking about dating and someone commented about the tendency we have to put our best self forward in those kind of situations. We want others to like us. We want them to have the best possible impression. Some felt this is a bad things. "Why can't we let people see who we really are?" "Should we pretend to be something we are not?"
Then, this guy shared his opinion. He believes there is a difference between trying to mislead someone to believe that we are something we are not, and the choice to be our very best self. As we work to present our very best self, we will inevitably become better. This seems much healthier to me than saying "Well, this is how I am and they better just be okay with that." Each of us should want to be better and be working to make improvements in our lives.
With that running through the back of my mind, I asked myself some related and important questions. Why is it that I think I am the only person who knows me? What makes my opinion superior to all others? Yes, it is definitely true that I have access to inside information :) But really, who am I? What I think and feel and do and say. All combined. Is my 'real' self my most frustrated moments when everything seems to be going wrong and I just want to throw in the towel? Is my 'real' self my best moment when my heart wants to burst with all the love and joy I feel towards those around me and the blessings God has given me? Is my 'real' self an average of my best and worst? Or is my 'real' self what I am most often?
I'm not sure I have the answer. But, I do know that my real self is NOT my worst moment self. I need to give credit to those who see the good in me. I can work harder to make those best moments happen more often. I need to count as success when I don't follow through with my worst moment thoughts and feelings. That is a sign that I am a better person than my worst internal moments would have me believe. Thanks to all who see my best self and help me move toward consistently being the real me that you see!
All too often I find myself thinking something like "If they really knew me they would not like me so much. They would see that I am nowhere near as amazing as they think I am." I was having a negative thoughts about myself moment the other day. As I sat there thinking, I remembered a conversation from a Sunday School class a few months back. We were talking about dating and someone commented about the tendency we have to put our best self forward in those kind of situations. We want others to like us. We want them to have the best possible impression. Some felt this is a bad things. "Why can't we let people see who we really are?" "Should we pretend to be something we are not?"
Then, this guy shared his opinion. He believes there is a difference between trying to mislead someone to believe that we are something we are not, and the choice to be our very best self. As we work to present our very best self, we will inevitably become better. This seems much healthier to me than saying "Well, this is how I am and they better just be okay with that." Each of us should want to be better and be working to make improvements in our lives.
With that running through the back of my mind, I asked myself some related and important questions. Why is it that I think I am the only person who knows me? What makes my opinion superior to all others? Yes, it is definitely true that I have access to inside information :) But really, who am I? What I think and feel and do and say. All combined. Is my 'real' self my most frustrated moments when everything seems to be going wrong and I just want to throw in the towel? Is my 'real' self my best moment when my heart wants to burst with all the love and joy I feel towards those around me and the blessings God has given me? Is my 'real' self an average of my best and worst? Or is my 'real' self what I am most often?
I'm not sure I have the answer. But, I do know that my real self is NOT my worst moment self. I need to give credit to those who see the good in me. I can work harder to make those best moments happen more often. I need to count as success when I don't follow through with my worst moment thoughts and feelings. That is a sign that I am a better person than my worst internal moments would have me believe. Thanks to all who see my best self and help me move toward consistently being the real me that you see!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Goals
At the beginning of each year a focus on starting new and making changes emerges. I personally love this! I've thought a lot about the purpose of setting goals and how they can be good and bad. On Sunday in Relief Society (the woman's organization in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) we had a lesson about setting goals and self assessment.
I appreciated the comments about how it is important to think about the motive behind our goal. The teacher used the example of losing 10lbs - a common enough New Year's Resolution. Instead of just setting a weight loss goal, ask yourself the reason for achieving this goal. Is it to be healthier? To feel more loved? To feel more comfortable in social settings? Depending on your motive, the goal may need to be modified - not just lose weight but eat better too or to work on your feelings of self-worth in other ways as well.
One sister in the class commented that at certain times in her life lessons like this would have made her feel awful because she was doing all she could to just keep afloat. At other times she would have been inspired and felt like she could conquer the world. Really, all we have to do is what we can, which is different at different times and in different ways. There is one scripture in particular that talks about this principle that I love. "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order." Mosiah 4:27
Someone else told of a friend who once expressed the view that goals are just another chance to fail. That made me very sad. And, it made me reflect on the purpose of goals. I feel that goals provide us with road maps. They help us when we are deciding how to spend our time and when we are choosing between two good things - we can ask ourselves what will most help us towards our goal. Goals help us continue moving forward and up. They help us get closer to where we want to be - in many aspects of our lives - then we would without some kind of game plan and direction.
I think goals can be made for the wrong reasons. I believe goals can be too big for us to handle at the time we make them or in the time frame we give ourselves. However, I believe that goals are not successful only if we achieve them in the way and time initially intended. I think the fact that we can dream of something more or better than we have now is a success. I think that if goals help move us further down the path we've chosen, we've had success. Goals give us a chance to show we are not just accepting things the way they are, but actively shaping where we are going and what we will do along the way. That is a beautiful thing.
I appreciated the comments about how it is important to think about the motive behind our goal. The teacher used the example of losing 10lbs - a common enough New Year's Resolution. Instead of just setting a weight loss goal, ask yourself the reason for achieving this goal. Is it to be healthier? To feel more loved? To feel more comfortable in social settings? Depending on your motive, the goal may need to be modified - not just lose weight but eat better too or to work on your feelings of self-worth in other ways as well.
One sister in the class commented that at certain times in her life lessons like this would have made her feel awful because she was doing all she could to just keep afloat. At other times she would have been inspired and felt like she could conquer the world. Really, all we have to do is what we can, which is different at different times and in different ways. There is one scripture in particular that talks about this principle that I love. "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order." Mosiah 4:27
Someone else told of a friend who once expressed the view that goals are just another chance to fail. That made me very sad. And, it made me reflect on the purpose of goals. I feel that goals provide us with road maps. They help us when we are deciding how to spend our time and when we are choosing between two good things - we can ask ourselves what will most help us towards our goal. Goals help us continue moving forward and up. They help us get closer to where we want to be - in many aspects of our lives - then we would without some kind of game plan and direction.
I think goals can be made for the wrong reasons. I believe goals can be too big for us to handle at the time we make them or in the time frame we give ourselves. However, I believe that goals are not successful only if we achieve them in the way and time initially intended. I think the fact that we can dream of something more or better than we have now is a success. I think that if goals help move us further down the path we've chosen, we've had success. Goals give us a chance to show we are not just accepting things the way they are, but actively shaping where we are going and what we will do along the way. That is a beautiful thing.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
It's the Little Things
My whole life little things have been very important to me. It was always little things that made me happy - and mad for that matter. My brothers and my parents can testify to that I'm sure :) There are pros and cons to this outlook on life. When I was going to school in Virginia, one of my roommates loved to give me a hard time about how happy little things would make me. She told me one day that she was going to make a list of little things that made me happy to give to my husband someday. They included things like vanilla scented trash bags, swinging at the park, hearing a song I like on the radio, having someone smile or say hello to me . . . I just laughed and told her I'd rather be happy with little things and be happy a lot than to wait for big things to make me happy and spend a lot of time waiting.
There is a scripture that always comes to mind when I think about the power of little things. It is in The Book of Mormon in Alma 37:6 and says: "Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise." I have always loved that! I like to think about the difference I could potentially make through the little actions I take. And I like to acknowledge the little things that have made a great difference for me.
Recently I had some wonderful experiences that reminded me of this great truth, and I want to give a shout out to little things. Things like offering to help with the dishes - and not just offering, but doing them. Taking time to listen - really listen and remember what someone says. Respecting the feelings and concerns people have, but being willing to gently nudge them towards something wonderful. Being sincere. Recognizing good in those around you - and pointing it out to them. Playing Legos with little boys. Finding adventures in everyday events. Taking time to look past yourself and notice the needs and feelings of others. Asking others to help you learn a new skill. Following through with a promise made. Sharing stories - listening and telling. Giving hugs hello - and goodbye :)
There are so many wonderful little things in life. And, there are also a great deal of little negative things in life - things that can weigh us down, and make us forget what we really want and how to be truly happy. I'm grateful for the great things that come from small things and for the times in my life that I do allow little things to make a positive and not a negative impact on me. I'm reminded of a quote that my brother recently sent me in an email: "Sometimes we need to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy." I think that is what being happy over little things can do for us - allow us to pause in our pursuit of happiness to just be happy.
There is a scripture that always comes to mind when I think about the power of little things. It is in The Book of Mormon in Alma 37:6 and says: "Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise." I have always loved that! I like to think about the difference I could potentially make through the little actions I take. And I like to acknowledge the little things that have made a great difference for me.
Recently I had some wonderful experiences that reminded me of this great truth, and I want to give a shout out to little things. Things like offering to help with the dishes - and not just offering, but doing them. Taking time to listen - really listen and remember what someone says. Respecting the feelings and concerns people have, but being willing to gently nudge them towards something wonderful. Being sincere. Recognizing good in those around you - and pointing it out to them. Playing Legos with little boys. Finding adventures in everyday events. Taking time to look past yourself and notice the needs and feelings of others. Asking others to help you learn a new skill. Following through with a promise made. Sharing stories - listening and telling. Giving hugs hello - and goodbye :)
There are so many wonderful little things in life. And, there are also a great deal of little negative things in life - things that can weigh us down, and make us forget what we really want and how to be truly happy. I'm grateful for the great things that come from small things and for the times in my life that I do allow little things to make a positive and not a negative impact on me. I'm reminded of a quote that my brother recently sent me in an email: "Sometimes we need to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy." I think that is what being happy over little things can do for us - allow us to pause in our pursuit of happiness to just be happy.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Collective Potential
I'm currently reading a fantastic book called "Standing for Something: 10 Neglected Virtues that will Heal Our Hearts and Homes" by Gordon B. Hinckley. It has given me a lot to think about. In the chapter "Making a Case for Morality" he talks about how we can make a difference in our overall society by the individual choices we make. Says Hinckley "It all begins with our own personal choice. Reformation of the world begins with reformation of self."
As I was pondering this, wondering how well I'm doing at living a moral life and what I can do to further reform myself, I had a few interesting thoughts. First, I thought about how we influence each other and how grateful I am for the good people in my life who both set a good example and make it easy for me to maintain my standards. Then I had this thought: we can not collectively be what we individually are not. However, a few minutes, or maybe even only seconds, of thought made me realize this is not true, and I am so grateful that it is not true.
Perhaps a movie reference can help me illustrate this point. Remember the Titans is one of my favorite movies. It tells the story of a football team at a high school in Virginia the first year the school integrated blacks and whites. There is tension within the team, the coaching staff, the school, and the community. Coach Boone is a tough coach who expects a lot from the boys on the team. He demands that they do their best, he pushes them to get past their animosity towards each other and work together. He tells the team: "We will be perfect in every aspect of the game. You drop a pass, you run a mile. You miss a blocking assignment, you run a mile. You fumble the football, and I will break my foot off in your John Brown hind parts and then you will run a mile. Perfection. Let's go to work."
One night during their pre-season camp things come together, they start acting like a team. Despite the great challenges from within and without the team triumphantly enters the state championship game undefeated. They are up against a very good team, and at half time they are having a rough time. Coach Boone tells the team: "It's all right. We're in a fight. You boys are doing all that you can do. Anybody can see that. Win or lose... We gonna walk out of this stadium tonight with our heads held high. Do your best. That's all anybody can ask for." To which Julius Campbell, one of the players, replies: "No, it ain't Coach. With all due respect, uh, you demanded more of us. You demanded perfection. Now, I ain't saying that I'm perfect, 'cause I'm not. And I ain't gonna never be. None of us are. But we have won every single game we have played till now. So this team is perfect. We stepped out on that field that way tonight. And, uh, if it's all the same to you, Coach Boone, that's how we want to leave it." And they do, the perfect season, 16-0.
Remembering that scene made me realize that collectively we can be so much more than we can be individually. And, if we learn how to depend on one another, how to develop our own strengths and know when to lean on the strengths of others we can do amazing things. We can collectively be what we individually are incapable of being, and do things together that would never be possible on our own.
As I was pondering this, wondering how well I'm doing at living a moral life and what I can do to further reform myself, I had a few interesting thoughts. First, I thought about how we influence each other and how grateful I am for the good people in my life who both set a good example and make it easy for me to maintain my standards. Then I had this thought: we can not collectively be what we individually are not. However, a few minutes, or maybe even only seconds, of thought made me realize this is not true, and I am so grateful that it is not true.
Perhaps a movie reference can help me illustrate this point. Remember the Titans is one of my favorite movies. It tells the story of a football team at a high school in Virginia the first year the school integrated blacks and whites. There is tension within the team, the coaching staff, the school, and the community. Coach Boone is a tough coach who expects a lot from the boys on the team. He demands that they do their best, he pushes them to get past their animosity towards each other and work together. He tells the team: "We will be perfect in every aspect of the game. You drop a pass, you run a mile. You miss a blocking assignment, you run a mile. You fumble the football, and I will break my foot off in your John Brown hind parts and then you will run a mile. Perfection. Let's go to work."
One night during their pre-season camp things come together, they start acting like a team. Despite the great challenges from within and without the team triumphantly enters the state championship game undefeated. They are up against a very good team, and at half time they are having a rough time. Coach Boone tells the team: "It's all right. We're in a fight. You boys are doing all that you can do. Anybody can see that. Win or lose... We gonna walk out of this stadium tonight with our heads held high. Do your best. That's all anybody can ask for." To which Julius Campbell, one of the players, replies: "No, it ain't Coach. With all due respect, uh, you demanded more of us. You demanded perfection. Now, I ain't saying that I'm perfect, 'cause I'm not. And I ain't gonna never be. None of us are. But we have won every single game we have played till now. So this team is perfect. We stepped out on that field that way tonight. And, uh, if it's all the same to you, Coach Boone, that's how we want to leave it." And they do, the perfect season, 16-0.
Remembering that scene made me realize that collectively we can be so much more than we can be individually. And, if we learn how to depend on one another, how to develop our own strengths and know when to lean on the strengths of others we can do amazing things. We can collectively be what we individually are incapable of being, and do things together that would never be possible on our own.
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