What do I have time for?

I just finished reading Room by Emma Donoghue. Through the whole book, I was impressed by the way and the things this mother teaches this son. And I couldn't help feeling like I could benefit from a lot of the wisdom shared.

Towards the beginning Jack and his Ma have a great conversation:

"My teeth feel a bit better if I stop thinking about them," she tells me.
"How come?"
"It's called mind over matter. If we don't mind, it doesn't matter."

What if we all did that? Didn't mind about things that didn't matter? And choose not to make too big a deal about things that we do mind? So that they don't "matter" in the way that just creates more frustration and drama in our life. That would be so cool!

Jack also realizes the human side of people, and that one act doesn't define a person. He says it best in this comment/ observation about his Ma:

She's not mean, but sometimes she does mean things.

And by "mean things" he means things that 5-year-olds don't want to have to do – momentary dislike for long-term good.

I think I like most (maybe because it so accurately reflects my life right now…) something from the end of the book:

In the world I notice persons are nearly always stressed and have no time. Even Grandma often says that, but she and Steppa don't have jobs, so I don't know how persons with jobs do the job sand all the living as well. In Room me and Ma had time for everything. I guess the time gets spread very thin like butter over all the world, the roads and houses and playgrounds and stores, so there's only a little smear of tie on each place, then everyone has to hurry on to the next bit.

Why do we do that? Hurry from one thing to the next and always talk about how busy or stressed we are? And even a better question – how do we do the job and the living thing? I sure want to know!

But, in some ways, I do already know. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf talked about this very thing in General Conference in October 2010

Let’s be honest; it’s rather easy to be busy. We all can think up a list of tasks that will overwhelm our schedules. Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list. They flood the open spaces in their time with lists of meetings and minutia—even during times of stress and fatigue. Because they unnecessarily complicate their lives, they often feel increased frustration, diminished joy, and too little sense of meaning in their lives.

Then President Uchtdorf reminds us that we don't have to stay in this crazy busy pattern:

There is a beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity that we sometimes do not appreciate in our thirst for intricate solutions.

I find that it is easier for me to keep things simple – to keep things in perspective – when I focus on living the gospel of Jesus Christ. When I make time to pray and read my scriptures and serve others.

Which reminds me of some other great advice (that I need to implement in my life again right now...)

When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.
- President Ezra Taft Benson

So, I've been trying to slow down a little bit. To ask if I really need to do something or am just in a cycle of craving busyness and a long to-do list. And most importantly to make time for the little things that keep me close to God. Yes, that means that I might not mark quite as many things off my to-do list, but over the past few days I've found that it doesn't stress me out so much. That I am still able to do what I really need to – and recognize what those things are.

Creating Joy

On Sunday I heard an incredible lesson about our power/ ability to create.

We began the lesson by watching an incredible video. And then talked about a story comparing and contrasting the husband's view of his cooking with his wife's view of hers.

I’m sure it comes as no surprise, but the differences between men and women can often be quite striking—physically and mentally, as well as emotionally. One of the best ways I can think of to illustrate this is in the way my wife and I cook a meal.

When Harriet prepares a meal, it’s a masterpiece. Her cuisine is as wide-ranging as the world, and she frequently prepares dishes from countries we have visited. The presentation of the food is awe inspiring. In fact, it often looks so beautiful that it seems a crime to eat it. It’s as much a feast for the eyes as it is for the sense of taste.

But sure enough, no matter how perfect everything is, looks, and tastes, Harriet will apologize for something she thinks is imperfect. “I’m afraid I used a touch too much ginger,” she will say, or, “Next time, I think it would be better if I used a little more curry and one additional bay leaf.”

Let me contrast that with the way I cook. For the purpose of this talk, I asked Harriet to tell me what I cook best.

Her answer: fried eggs.

Sunny-side up.

But that isn’t all. I have a specialty dish called Knusperchen. The name may sound like a delicacy you might find at an exclusive restaurant. Let me share with you how to make it. You cut French bread into small slices and toast them twice.

That is the recipe!

So, between fried eggs, even when they are greasy, and Knusperchen, even when they are burned, when I cook, I feel pretty heroic.

Perhaps this contrast between my wife and me is a slight exaggeration, but it illustrates something that may extend beyond preparing meals.

Why would that be? That some people find themselves apologizing for not being perfect all the time and others feeling heroic for their commendable efforts? Where on that spectrum do I fall? Apologizing for too little curry? Or enjoying the greasy eggs and burnt toast? Focusing more on my imperfections or my accomplishments?

Do I acknowledge what I've done, or only focus on what is not done?

This lesson got me thinking about the candy corn rice krispy's I made for work for Halloween. I was worried they hadn't turned out - that I'd melted the marshmallows too long, that they looked funny since I made them with orange colored marshmallows...

But you know what? My colleagues loved them.

One of them told me I made candy core taste good. And people kept eating more.

Sitting thorugh the lesson on Sunday I realized that while I did create reice krispy treats, what I really created was joy. I shared with others and it made them happy.

That's awesome. That's powerful.

Invisible Angels

A couple times a month I volunteer for a shift in the LDS Temple near my house.

During my shift this weekend we talked about some interesting concepts in our preparation meeting. We talked about the goal of doing our service in the temple so that we are invisible. Not to truly be invisible, but to do our responsibilities well so that we are not distracting those who come from worshiping with God. I liked that idea a lot.

Another thought that was shared was that we’re learning to be angels through our service in the temple. We’re learning how to serve others and to do God’s will.

As I pondered throughout my shift on these thoughts they merged in my head – the concept of being an invisible angel. 

The more I thought about it, the more I liked it. And the more I thought that really the goal conveyed in the idea of being an invisible angel is to be a pure conduit of Gods love to those around us. 

What a cool goal. Everyone can use some more love and understanding and compassion in their life!

Perspective: All in How You Look at Things

Life is such an interesting thing, and so often seems to be full of contradictions.

Reading The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls made me think some about this and why that is and how challenging it can be for children to comprehend. Or maybe how easy it is for adult to ignore or rationalize away...

In this memoir there are so many circumstances shared that you wish could just be fiction. Things that made me frustrated with humanity. And at the same time, everything together made me so impressed and inspired by the resiliency and capacity of human beings. It reminded me that we really do have the ability to choose how we will respond to what happens to us in our lives. We always have a choice. Sometimes making the right one, or the most productive ones, is harder than others, but we always have a choice.

Take this passage, for example:

                  Lori gave me a hug when she heard I'd told off Erma. Mom was upset, though. "We may not agree with all of Erma's views," she said, "but we have to remember that as long as we're her guests, we have to be polite."
                  That didn't seem like Mom. She and Dad happily railed against anyone they disliked or disrespected: Standard Oil executives, J. Edgar Hoover, and especially snobs and racists. They'd always encouraged us to be outspoken about our opinions. Now we were supposed to bite our tongues. But she was right; Erma would boot us. Situations like these, I realized, were what turned people into hypocrites.

"I hate Erma," I told Mom.

"You have to show compassion for her," Mom said. Erma's parents had died when she was young, Mom explained, and she had been shipped off to one relative after another who had treated her like a servant. Scrubbing clothes on a washboard until her knuckles bled--that was the preeminent memory of Erma’s childhood. The best thing Grandpa did for her when they got married was buy her an electric washing machine, but whatever joy it had once given her was long gone.

“Erma can’t let go of her misery,” Mom said. “It’s all she knows.” She added that you should never hate anyone, even your worst enemies. “Everyone has something good about them,” she said. “You have to find the redeeming quality and love the person for that.”

“Oh yeah?” I said. “How about Hitler? What was his redeeming quality?”

“Hitler loved dogs,” Mom said without hesitation. (p 144)

Without giving too much away, this scene opens after a truly horrific encounter that Jeannette and her brother had with their Grandmother, Erma. Something that should never happen, under any circumstances. Something that a parent should ALWAYS try to protect their children from if it ever did happen.

But instead of protecting them, their mother blames and punishes them. It made me ill to read.

But Jeannette is right. There are situations that make it very difficult not to become a hypocrite. What happened should never have happened. And, based on the parents’ behavior earlier in the book, under other circumstances they would have responded in a more appropriate manner in protection of their children. However, they were in a very difficult situation. Do you respond how you should to a situation and find your children without a home? Or, do you bend where you normally wouldn’t and make sure they have a roof over their head? Not a choice anyone wants to have to make. And it seems really easy to look from the outside and say what someone should do. But, if I’m honest, I know I become a hypocrite in difficult situations sometimes too. Situations that are not so dire, and do not impact others so deeply. Who am I to judge? How am I to know what I would do in the same circumstances, faced with the same choices and situations?

And at the same time, this mother who made what I feel was a very poor choice based on what happened to her daughter – the same mother – also teaches a beautiful and powerful lesson about respecting others and searching for the best in them.

Humans really are complicated things.

Changing the World....for the young?

Work has been particularly grueling and draining the past couple of weeks. I've had to remind myself on a number of occasions that I am working towards a good cause, one that I care about and want to see succeed.

I have also been contemplating the fact that so many of the people I work with are incredibly young. Why is that?

One reason for this is offered in the movie Amazing Grace:

William Wilberforce: No one of our age has ever taken power.

Pitt the Younger: Which is why we're too young to realize certain things are impossible. Which is why we will do them anyway.

Is it that the young just do the impossible because they don't believe it is impossible? Or that they haven't gotten practical or cynical (or both...) yet?

I don't know, but this also made me think of some lyrics from the musical, Newsies. A young journalist is commenting on her faith in herself and the ability to do things that no one has done before.

But give me some time, I'll be twice as good as that six months from never.

Just look around at the world we're inheriting

and think of the one we'll create.

Their mistake is they got old, that is not a mistake we'll be making.

No sir, we'll stay young forever!

Give those kids and me the brand new century and watch what happens.

It's David and Goliath do or die

the fight is on and I can't watch what happens.

But all I know is nothing happens if you just give in.

It can't be any worse than how it's been.

And it just so happens that we just might win,

so whatever happens! Let's begin!

     -Watch What Happens, from Newsies, the Musical

While no one can actually avoid the mistake of getting older, I feel that all of us would benefit from adopting more of an attitude that "nothing happens if you just give in...and it just so happens that we just might win, so whatever happens! Let's begin!"

And, it seems to me, that the more important part might be to keep going. Beginning is one thing, but enduring and pushing on when things get hard or take longer than we anticipated is quite another. A passage from a novel I'm reading right now captures what I'm trying to express very well:

"Apparently he was brooding on the magnitude of the task ahead and questioning his ability to carry it out. The job would never be finished, not in his lifetime at least; there was too much to be done. That's true of a lot of things, though, including the achievement of social justice, universal peace, and a world in which there are no hungry children. It's no excuse to stop working towards those ends."

         -Night Train to Memphis by Elizabeth Peters

It seems to me that most things worth doing will not be accomplished in any one person's lifetime. Those tasks are hard, and so often require personal sacrifice. But they are worth working towards. It makes me wonder if part of what happens is that people start to focus on the small part of the puzzle they can impact. They raise their children with love. They reach out to their neighbor in kindness. They live a quiet, good life. Does everyone do that? No. But I think an awful lot of people do, and their cumulative acts of goodness make this world a pretty wonderful place.

One Day at a Time

Recently I heard what could be labeled a tragic story, but is also very inspiring. 

There was a wonderful man who had a wonderful wife and a wonderful family. He was successful in all ways you can think of: wealthy, had a great education and a great job, had many friends and family who loved him, was described by one friend as the best man they ever knew, was strong and healthy, and was a generous, spiritual person.

One day, he got off his treadmill after a run and dropped dead on the spot.

He was young. He left a lot behind – including a family who loved and relied on him.

I don’t know this family personally at all. However, I was the recipient of their generosity through a mutual friend. While at their house, I saw this hanging on their door:

What a great reminder. It can be easy to think of the future as being far in the distance. Something that we will have time for later. Something we don’t need to worry about, or something we don’t control.  And while we never really know what the future will bring, we can always live as if the future is now – something we can shape by the choices we make. And in many ways that is true. We get to make choices every day, and those choices affect us, and those around us, for better or for worse – now, and into the future.

Learning from Chess (or Band or Sports or Theater)

I believe in being well rounded. I am grateful that my parents allowed/ encouraged me to be involved in a variety of activities. I remember writing a self-reflection letter as a senior in high school about the way that being in theater shaped me – how, ironically, by pretending to be someone else I learned a lot about myself. There have also been countless times I have talked to people about how playing in band allowed me to learn how to do my part – and the need to rely on and help others to do their part.

 

Yesterday I read an article about a group of students who learn to play chess (starting in Kindergarten!) who were visited by one of the world's best chess players, Garry Kasparov.

Their teacher talked about the benefits of playing chess that go beyond the game:

"Chess requires you to do research to learn to play in certain styles. You may make an error that you have to go back and fix. Those things translate because there is not a thing in this world worth having that you don't have to prepare for."
- Fritz Gaspard

 

It made me think that while there may be specific benefits that come from playing chess, and different ones from playing in band, and even other ones from playing on a sports team, but that no matter which one a child does, there are real benefits to doing something you enjoy and are invested in. Something that pushes you and forces you to think differently.

There was something that Garry Kasparov said in the article that really struck me:

"If you don't feel nervous you don't care. Everyone has fear, it's about how you handle it."

 

That makes me feel better about feeling nervous! And reminds me of a quote from a movie preview I saw recently:

"Danger is real. Fear is an option."

 

While I'm not sure that fear is an option, pairing that thought with Kasparov's comment helps me realize that we can control how we react to situations - how we handle our fears and nervousness. Do we build the skills we need to work through and find success? Or do we let our fear/ nervousness cripple and control us?

More fuel for my quest for increased self control! (and a good excuse to pursue extra-curriculars :)

(Un) Remarkable

Sometimes I get sucked into reading books based on their cover. Remarkable by Lizzy K. Foley was one of those books for me. It was an adorable read that seemed a bit like a combo of A Series of Unfortunate Events and The Mysterious Benedict Society.

One of the things I realized as I read this book was that many people feel unremarkable. I tend to think that only I do. But in reality everyone does at different times or in different aspects of life - and that is okay, and normal.

The Mayor of Remarkable is married to one of the only "unremarkable" people in the whole town (his name is John Doe) and the grandmother of the only other "unremarkable" person - a young girl named, you guessed it, Jane Doe.

The Mayor or Remarkable tells her grand-daughter at one point:

...despite what most people think, the best things in life are often quite ordinary.

It's true - ordinary = awesome. Or at least my experiences have taught me that over and over again.

I appreciated that the book didn't end with Jane becoming remarkable at something (oops, spoiler alert!). The culminating moment for me was this - Jane gets a puppy sent to her by a former teacher turned pirate (bizarre, I know :) and in this exchange she is talking to the twins who she has been hoping would invite her to their home:

"No, thanks," Jane said, looking up from her puppy for the first time since she'd gotten him. Her face was a happy mix of amazement and joy.

"What do you mean?" Melissa demanded. She had never in a million years guessed that Jane wouldn't accept an invitation to enter their creepy black house. "We're giving Dirt a chance to be something special, you know."

"He doesn't need to be special," Jane said firmly. "All he needs to be is my dog." And with that, she walked home with Dirt Cuddled in her arms.

We, like Dirt, are remarkable to someone (and we don't have to be remarkable to everyone). And perhaps more importantly, we have the ability to make someone else feel remarkable (instead of like dirt) - and by that I mean we can show others that we love them and appreciate what they have to offer.

Bad Day (or Two Months :)

It's been a rough past while for me, if you hadn't already gathered.

Today I made a decision - it's time to start a new trend, and the song Happy Girl (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsQi3bvgM9s) is going to be my new theme song :)

I liked this particular video for the quotes they added running across the bottom like:

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."

Here's to a new start!

Nobody?

The train isn't working at the station I normally use so everyone has to get off and get on a shuttle bus. Not fun.

Coming home tonight I decided I wasn't going to let it get to me and I'd just enjoy my book.

Well, as I headed out of the station for the shuttle I noticed that someone was talking to me. He said, for at least the second time, "No one is that important."

I smiled at him and wondered if I had accidentally cut him off going up the stairs or something. He says again, first looking at me and then moving on to no one in particular, "No really, no one is that important. I can't wait to leave this city. I've lived here for 30 years. Everyone is distracted."

My heart went out to him. I'm sad that he's had some (or maybe a lot of) bad experiences and is feeling so frustrated.

But it also made me think - actually, everyone is that important. We all have great value and deserve to be respected and treated well. We shouldn't feel less than those around us, nor should we treat others as if some people are more important human beings than others.

That's a good reminder for me in my fast paced life where I can get wrapped up in me - what I want and need - and forget that I'm not the only one with feelings and desires and expectations.

He is Risen!

Today is Easter. And I got asked to teach a lesson about the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Spending the week before Easter studying that glorious event was a wonderful experience for me. I think one of the main reasons why is because I chose to focus on the power and peace of the Atonement that comes into our lives today as we come unto Christ and learn of him instead of the suffering and pain he experienced in his final days and hours.

I am grateful for what he suffered. I believe it was real, and truly more than anyone besides the literal son of God could endure. But, I think the true meaning of Easter is one of celebration that we don't have to experience pain alone or for long if we are willing to cast our burdens on Christ (see Psalms 55:22) and take his yoke upon us (see Matthew 11:29).

There was a talk given today where my thoughts were reflected to me in this line:

"How soon would that deep grieving be replaced with the purest wonder, joy, and love."

I think God wants us to focus on the good in our life. He wants us to feel wonder, joy, and love. He wants us to be happy. Of course we are going to go through hard things. Of course there are days when all we can do is cry. But, I know that we can find peace and joy through those things.

The experience of Alma the younger in the Book of Mormon comes to mind:

17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.

19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more, yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

20 And oh, what joy and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy. (Alma 36:17-21)

 Think of that "I could remember my pains no more" and "my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain". That is beautiful. And clearly it didn't mean he can't think about the fact that he did feel pain - years later he is telling this story to his sons. But, his pain was swallowed up in his joy. He could no longer feel that pain, only peace.

That is my testimony this day. It is possible. Christ is able to swallow up all of our pain. All of it. Not just the pain we feel from doing something wrong, but any pain. Pain that comes because we don't feel good enough. Pain that comes because we feel someone else has done us wrong. Pain that comes from feeling angry with ourselves or others. Pain that comes from feeling like we can't trust those around us. He can take that pain away. He will give us his peace instead.

I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the opportunity it gives me to feel peace in my life. I pray that I can be more willing and able to use it in my life.

Truly Generous?

One of my colleagues puts a quote in her daily attendance reports. Many of them make me smile or think and I appreciate them. Recently this was her quote:

"Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find out."
~Frank A. Clark~

I like this quote, but there was something about it that also sort of rubbed me the wrong way, and I had to mull it over to figure out why. I think there is truth in this statement. But I think there is also a potential danger in this mentality.

While mulling this over I remembered a passage from The Screw Tape Letters by C.S. Lewis (a series of letters from a Devil to his nephew, who is an apprentice to be a devil - in the passage below, the Enemy is God, the patient is a human being).

Do what you will, there is going to be some benevolence, as well as some malice, in your patient's soul. The great thing is to direct the malice to his immediate neighbours whom he meets every day and to thrust his benevolence out to the remote circumference, to people he does not know. The malice thus becomes wholly real and the benevolence largely imaginary. There is no good at all in inflaming his hatred of Germans if, at the same time, a pernicious habit of charity is growing up between him and his mother, his employer, and the man he meets in the train. Think of your man as a series of concentric circles, his will being the innermost, his intellect coming next, and finally his fantasy. You can hardly hope, at once, to exclude from all the circles everything that smells of the Enemy: but you must keep on shoving all the virtues outward till they are finally located in the circle of fantasy, and all the desirable qualities inward into the Will.

So, I think that doing good for those who will never know can be a true sign of generosity. But if none of  our generous acts are directed to those closest to us than we are not fully generous.

This was a nice reminder for me - to make an effort to not keep all my good intentions in my mind (or located in the circle of fantasy to use C.S. Lewis' language :) And, it is a good thing to remember that as humans we will have pieces of malice AND benevolence in us. The question is, which one will we choose to act on in any given moment, and towards whom?

Sources of Happiness

Serendipitously I picked up the novel Stargirl just before some interesting and challenging things happened in my life – and it just so happened that the book fit in my coat pocket. That was an immeasurable blessing under the circumstances.

There were many things about this book that spoke to me – especially about the two main characters. One of whom I want to be more like (Stargirl) and one of whom I relate a lot to (Leo).

Stargirl is completely unique. She is a very caring person who pays attention to those around her and reaches out in ways that are meaningful to that individual.

Leo is a good person. He cares deeply about what those around him think. In some ways, and at some times, he fights that tendency. But, he still feels it.

There were three powerful scene in the book that have really kept me thinking:

The first vignette:

Stargirl was leaning forward, looking earnestly at Becca Rinaldi, her voice small as a little girl’s. “When the other team scores a point and you see how happy it makes all their fans, doesn’t it make you happy, too?"

Becca growled, “No.”

“Doesn’t it make you want to join in?”

“No.”

“Don’t you ever want the other team to be happy, too?”

“No.”

Stargirl seemed genuinely surprised. “You don’t always want to be the winner…do you?”

Becca scowled at her, jutted out her jaw. “Yes. Yes, I do. Yes I always want to be the winner. That’s what I do. I root for us to win. That’s what we all do.” She swept her arm around the set. “We root for Mica.” She jabbed her finger at the stage. “Who do you root for?”

Stargirl hesitated. She smiled, she threw out her arms. “I root for everybody!” (p64-65)

It was this moment in the book where I knew I wanted to be more like Stargirl. It reminds me of a truth that another quote teaches:

"Curious that we spend more time congratulating people who have succeeded than encouraging people who have not."
- Neil deGrasse Tyson

The second vignette:

Riding away I said, “Why don’t you leave a card or something with your name on it?”

The question surprised her. “Why should I?”

Her question surprised me. “Well, I don’t know, it’s just the way people do things.

They expect it. They get a gift, they expect to know where it came from.”

“Is that important?”

“Yeah, I guess—”
…..
“Where were we?” she said.

“Getting credit,” I said.

“What about it?”

“Well, it’s nice to get credit.”

The spokes of her rear wheel spun behind the curtain of her long skirt. She looked like a photograph from a hundred years ago. She turned her wide eyes on me. “Is it?” she said. (p110-111)

This is a question I find myself repeating over and over in my head – Is it? I don’t know.

The third vignette:

Some people in the school were starting to turn on Stargirl, and by association Leo. His tendency to care what others think of him comes through. He has an encounter with a fellow student and discovers:

I had never realized how much I needed the attention of others to confirm my own presence. (p126) 

I feel the same way sometimes. It is in some ways an interesting catch 22 – we really do need people, and life is so much fuller and more fun when shared. But, we can become too dependent on the input of others. I’ve been finding that an intense "need for the attention of others to confirm my presence" leaves me quite vulnerable. And makes me want to be more like Stargirl – invested in the happiness of others. Strange how that leads to increased personal happiness :)

Yay for books that make me think :) and for such uplifting and motivating things to think about!

A Little Time Out

Yesterday at Church we were talking about becoming like a little child. This is a fascinating subject to me, and I often wonder why Christ encourages us to be like a child.

 3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 18:3

 37 And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and become as a little child, and be baptized in my name, or ye can in nowise receive these things.
3 Nephi 11:37 

13 ¶And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them.

 14 But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

 15 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein.

 16 And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.

Mark 10:13-16

There are a lot of analogies and reasons, but I heard a new one yesterday and it really hit home for me.

Someone talked about how children are put in time out when they do something wrong. Often the same child is put in time out for the same thing over and over again. The child is not happy. They don't want to be in time out, they can scream and cry and through a fit. But you know what? The parent still loves them. Loves them so much they put them in time out again and again and hope and pray that the child will learn and grow.

And you know what? They do. With time and love and patience and attention the child learns and grows. They stop doing the thing that lead them to time out. Does that mean they don't do other things wrong? No. But they continue to learn and grow and change behavior over time.

What I learned yesterday, in part, is that I need to be more patient with myself. I need to give myself room to learn and grow. To stumble and fall - over the same thing - over and over again. Each time I can, and should, put myself in a little time out (repent) and then I should let go and move onward and upward (forsake and forgive). And all the while know that I am loved.

Dark Side

Songs have been especially powerful for me of late. There is one that has been on my mind the past few days:

There's a place that i know  
it's not pretty there and few have ever gone 
if i show it to you now  
will it make you run away
 
or will you stay 
even if it hurts  
even if i try to push you out  
will you return?  
and remind me who i really am  
please remind me who i really am
 
everybody's got a dark side  
do you love me?  
can you love mine? 
nobody's a picture perfect  
but we're worth it  
you know that we're worth it  
will you love me?  
even with my dark side?

I wonder that. A lot. And Satan does a pretty good job of convincing me that the answer is no.

But then I think about how I feel when I learn things about people that they might label as their dark side. Often I feel compassion. I feel increased love and understanding. I feel a renewed sense that we are all imperfect children of God learning and growing together.

And yes, we are definitely worth it.

Agency: A Matter of Choice

"It's my life" is a beautiful truth.

However, there are times when people use that phrase to justify actions that are not truly in their best interest. Often what people are saying is "I can do whatever I want." or "It's my choice." or "It doesn't hurt anyone by me."

Agency is such a tricky thing. We all have it. We all use it. We are supposed to - in fact, we have to. And God has taught us that we must act for ourselves - and we can't act for ourselves unless we are enticed by various options and choices:

14 And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon.

15 And to bring about his eternal purposes in the end of man, after he had created our first parents, and the beasts of the field and the fowls of the air, and in fine, all things which are created, it must needs be that there was an opposition; even the forbidden fruit in opposition to the tree of life; the one being sweet and the other bitter.

16 Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other.

2 Nephi 2:14-16

When I think about this topic, I often think of a song by a  singer named Stephanie Smith called "It's my life" and  takes a journey through her changing understanding of that phrase:

As a child I found my strength, In people around me who helped me lay
My foundation, guiding me patiently
Now I'm left building my faith on my own
These walls seem heavy and harder to hold
Against strong winds, pushing on in from the world

They say it's my life, I can do what I want with it
My life's in my hands
I find every choice has a consequence
I don't understand
It's my, my life

Soon I craved freedom, consumed by pride
I faced temptation that lured me outside
Of my shelter, neglected it fell to the ground
Now I'm surrounded bu piles of stone
I cannot rebuild this fortress alone
As I stumble, another wall crumbles down

But it's my life, I can do what I want with it
My life's in my hands
I find every choice has a consequence
I don't understand
It's my, my life

In the open air, I was wandering and weak
These walls were made
To strengthen me, Protecting me

I thought I lost everything, I was wrong
my foundation was there all along
Humbled I kneel down and start again
My Savior picks up the pieces I can't

And It's my life. I can do what he want me to
My life's in his hands
It takes work but I'm willing to fight
to further his plan
It's my, my life

Thinking about all this reminded me of a story that was shared in April at General Conference. The story is a little long, but I think it is a beautiful illustration and teaches well how important it is to allow people to make choices, and a reminder that we can always learn from what we experience, even if it is painful (maybe especially when it is painful...).

Wise parents prepare their children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency properly. And yes, this means children will sometimes make mistakes and learn from them.

Our family had an experience that taught us about helping children develop their ability to make choices. Our daughter Mary was a standout soccer player growing up. One year her team made it to the championships and, wouldn’t you know it, that game was to be played on a Sunday. As a young teen, Mary had had years of teaching that the Sabbath was a day of rest and spiritual regeneration, not recreation. But she still felt pressure from her coaches and teammates to play, as well as a desire not to let her team down.

She asked us what she should do. My wife and I could easily have made this decision for her. However, we decided after prayerful consideration that in this case our daughter was ready to take spiritual responsibility for her own decision. We read some scriptures with her and encouraged Mary to pray and think about it.

After a few days she announced her decision. She would play the game on Sunday. Now what were we to do? After further discussion and receiving reassurance from the Spirit, we did as we had promised and permitted her to carry out her choice to play. After the game ended, Mary slowly walked over to her waiting mother. “Oh, Mom,” she said, “that felt awful. I never want to feel like that again. I’m never playing another game on the Sabbath day.” And she never did.

Mary had now internalized the principle of Sabbath keeping. If we had forced her not to play the game, we would have deprived her of a precious and powerful learning experience with the Spirit.

As you can see, helping children exercise their agency properly requires teaching them how to pray and receive answers to their prayers. There must also be teaching about the value and purpose of obedience as well as about all other essential principles of the gospel.

In my personal study this week I came across a quote that basically sums up my thoughts on this matter:

One of the last, subtle stongholds of selfishness is the natural feeling that we 'own' ourselves. Of course we are free to choose and are personally accountable. Yes, we have individuality. But those who have chosen to 'come unto Christ' soon realize that they do not 'own' themselves. Instead, they belong to Him. ...there is a stark difference between stubbornly 'owning' oneself and submissively belonging to God."

- Neal A. Maxwell

I hope I can learn to submissively belong to God and realize that I can do what He wants me to - and put my life in His hands. And I hope I can learn to allow myself and others to practice making choices and to learn from both the good choices and the poor choices that we make.

Emotion

Crying at work is never a good thing, for a variety of reasons.

I did today.

And not the sniffle a few times kinda way. The shoulders shaking, eyes squeezed closed, tears pouring down your cheeks, have to blow your nose a few times kinda way.

So when I walked out of the office into the pouring rain, it seemed fitting.

I'm not happy about, or proud of the situation I was in today. But, it reminded me of something a friend recently told me: "I'd rather feel, and feel pain, than nothing at all."

Lately I've been learning that I care. A lot. Maybe too much for my own ultimate good...Basically, I'm learning that my perspectives and the energy I expend are a little off. Time for some adjustments.

My boss told me that I should never let myself get to the place I did today again. Ironically, I made that promise to myself a few years ago. I hope I learned from this situation. There are a number of things I need to figure out. And, it seems to me that acknowledging that I need to is a step in the right direction. A song lyric comes to mind:

"No one can fill those of your needs you don't let show."

I suppose that applies even to helping ourselves.

She also reminded me that I am more in control at any given time than I may think. As I thought about this on the way home I realized that taking control is very powerful. As we actively make change (just another way to say "take control") we are empowering ourselves.

I do have control. I choose what I do. I choose how I react. I choose whether or not I suffer in silence.

And right now I choose to put this all aside, and do something I love, something that brings peace to my soul.

Hidden Sorrow

On Sunday I taught a lesson on Learning by Faith. I LOVE learning. And I really enjoy teaching. And I am always so grateful for all that I learn as I prepare to teach and also from those I teach.

One of the comments made in class really resonated with me - the idea that when God wants to teach us something He hits us from all sorts of angles with the same idea. I have definitely experienced that from time to time in my life.

This is one of those times. I've been thinking about sorrow a lot lately. My own and others. I don't know that many people are aware of my personal sorrow. Either my current sorrow or some of the sorrows of my past. I'm okay with that. In fact, I would say I often take significant pains to make sure others don't know.

There have been a couple of things I have learned about others that have reminded me that I am not the only one who hides pain away inside. Smiles and superficial interaction can be very deceiving. This reminded me that I can stay wrapped up in my own troubles, or I can remember that:

a) I'm not alone in dealing with hard things and I can (and probably should) turn to others, and
b) I should be aware that there is always more than meets the eye and if I make an effort, I can make a positive difference in the lives of those around me

There are some phrases from some hymns that keep coming to mind:

"In the quiet heart is hidden Sorrow that they eye can't see." (Lord, I Would Follow You)

"May thy mercy be revealed. Soothe my troubled heart and spirit; May my unseen wounds be healed" (As I Search the Holy Scriptures)

"Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace When other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, Searching my soul? Where, when my aching grows, Where, when I languish, Where, in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?" (Where Can I Turn for Peace)

I'm grateful that I was reminded that I'm not the only one that has a "hidden sorrow that the eye can't see" and that I was reminded of times in my life that my own hidden sorrows have been calmed as I think about and try to ease the sorrows of others. It is absolutely fascinating to me that sorrow looked at and dwelt on seems to grow and that sorrow turned away from - especially in the efforts of helping others always seem to fade away.

The other thing that my recent experiences have made me think about is the power in having a tender heart. One of my personal theme songs is I'm Sensitive by Jewel. She talks about how she is sensitive and wants to be. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that. I listened to that song today and remembered part of the reason I love it:

"So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way"

And I also found words of peace and comfort and validation in a book a friend lent me (The Lost Gate by Orson Scott Card). A father is chastising one of his children for giving their sibling a hard time. He says, "Never mock a tender heart"

As I read that and thought about all the things going on in my life, the lives of those around me, and past experiences I realized that the world tries to mock us for having tender hearts. And we face a lot of challenging things in our lives. All of which tempt us to protect ourselves and our hearts by shutting down and building protective walls around ourselves. I realized that I really do want to fight that inclination. It might be painful, but I want to be sensitive. I want to be open and help others. I want to care. I want to be hurt because it means I can feel. And I especially want to be sensitive to others and help protect tender hearts and help keep them open.

Yay for thinking things through electronically. Thanks for reading along :)