Agency: A Matter of Choice

"It's my life" is a beautiful truth.

However, there are times when people use that phrase to justify actions that are not truly in their best interest. Often what people are saying is "I can do whatever I want." or "It's my choice." or "It doesn't hurt anyone by me."

Agency is such a tricky thing. We all have it. We all use it. We are supposed to - in fact, we have to. And God has taught us that we must act for ourselves - and we can't act for ourselves unless we are enticed by various options and choices:

14 And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon.

15 And to bring about his eternal purposes in the end of man, after he had created our first parents, and the beasts of the field and the fowls of the air, and in fine, all things which are created, it must needs be that there was an opposition; even the forbidden fruit in opposition to the tree of life; the one being sweet and the other bitter.

16 Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other.

2 Nephi 2:14-16

When I think about this topic, I often think of a song by a  singer named Stephanie Smith called "It's my life" and  takes a journey through her changing understanding of that phrase:

As a child I found my strength, In people around me who helped me lay
My foundation, guiding me patiently
Now I'm left building my faith on my own
These walls seem heavy and harder to hold
Against strong winds, pushing on in from the world

They say it's my life, I can do what I want with it
My life's in my hands
I find every choice has a consequence
I don't understand
It's my, my life

Soon I craved freedom, consumed by pride
I faced temptation that lured me outside
Of my shelter, neglected it fell to the ground
Now I'm surrounded bu piles of stone
I cannot rebuild this fortress alone
As I stumble, another wall crumbles down

But it's my life, I can do what I want with it
My life's in my hands
I find every choice has a consequence
I don't understand
It's my, my life

In the open air, I was wandering and weak
These walls were made
To strengthen me, Protecting me

I thought I lost everything, I was wrong
my foundation was there all along
Humbled I kneel down and start again
My Savior picks up the pieces I can't

And It's my life. I can do what he want me to
My life's in his hands
It takes work but I'm willing to fight
to further his plan
It's my, my life

Thinking about all this reminded me of a story that was shared in April at General Conference. The story is a little long, but I think it is a beautiful illustration and teaches well how important it is to allow people to make choices, and a reminder that we can always learn from what we experience, even if it is painful (maybe especially when it is painful...).

Wise parents prepare their children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency properly. And yes, this means children will sometimes make mistakes and learn from them.

Our family had an experience that taught us about helping children develop their ability to make choices. Our daughter Mary was a standout soccer player growing up. One year her team made it to the championships and, wouldn’t you know it, that game was to be played on a Sunday. As a young teen, Mary had had years of teaching that the Sabbath was a day of rest and spiritual regeneration, not recreation. But she still felt pressure from her coaches and teammates to play, as well as a desire not to let her team down.

She asked us what she should do. My wife and I could easily have made this decision for her. However, we decided after prayerful consideration that in this case our daughter was ready to take spiritual responsibility for her own decision. We read some scriptures with her and encouraged Mary to pray and think about it.

After a few days she announced her decision. She would play the game on Sunday. Now what were we to do? After further discussion and receiving reassurance from the Spirit, we did as we had promised and permitted her to carry out her choice to play. After the game ended, Mary slowly walked over to her waiting mother. “Oh, Mom,” she said, “that felt awful. I never want to feel like that again. I’m never playing another game on the Sabbath day.” And she never did.

Mary had now internalized the principle of Sabbath keeping. If we had forced her not to play the game, we would have deprived her of a precious and powerful learning experience with the Spirit.

As you can see, helping children exercise their agency properly requires teaching them how to pray and receive answers to their prayers. There must also be teaching about the value and purpose of obedience as well as about all other essential principles of the gospel.

In my personal study this week I came across a quote that basically sums up my thoughts on this matter:

One of the last, subtle stongholds of selfishness is the natural feeling that we 'own' ourselves. Of course we are free to choose and are personally accountable. Yes, we have individuality. But those who have chosen to 'come unto Christ' soon realize that they do not 'own' themselves. Instead, they belong to Him. ...there is a stark difference between stubbornly 'owning' oneself and submissively belonging to God."

- Neal A. Maxwell

I hope I can learn to submissively belong to God and realize that I can do what He wants me to - and put my life in His hands. And I hope I can learn to allow myself and others to practice making choices and to learn from both the good choices and the poor choices that we make.