Who I Really Am

This is not a contemplation of the cosmic who am I and why am I here question. If you want to know my thoughts on this, you can read a previous blog post of mine by clicking here. This is a consideration of reconciling the "Nicole" that others see and tell me about and the "Nicole" I feel like on the inside.

All too often I find myself thinking something like "If they really knew me they would not like me so much. They would see that I am nowhere near as amazing as they think I am." I was having a negative thoughts about myself moment the other day. As I sat there thinking, I remembered a conversation from a Sunday School class a few months back. We were talking about dating and someone commented about the tendency we have to put our best self forward in those kind of situations. We want others to like us. We want them to have the best possible impression. Some felt this is a bad things. "Why can't we let people see who we really are?" "Should we pretend to be something we are not?"

Then, this guy shared his opinion. He believes there is a difference between trying to mislead someone to believe that we are something we are not, and the choice to be our very best self. As we work to present our very best self, we will inevitably become better. This seems much healthier to me than saying "Well, this is how I am and they better just be okay with that." Each of us should want to be better and be working to make improvements in our lives.

With that running through the back of my mind, I asked myself some related and important questions. Why is it that I think I am the only person who knows me? What makes my opinion superior to all others? Yes, it is definitely true that I have access to inside information :) But really, who am I? What I think and feel and do and say. All combined. Is my 'real' self my most frustrated moments when everything seems to be going wrong and I just want to throw in the towel? Is my 'real' self my best moment when my heart wants to burst with all the love and joy I feel towards those around me and the blessings God has given me? Is my 'real' self an average of my best and worst? Or is my 'real' self what I am most often?

I'm not sure I have the answer. But, I do know that my real self is NOT my worst moment self. I need to give credit to those who see the good in me. I can work harder to make those best moments happen more often. I need to count as success when I don't follow through with my worst moment thoughts and feelings. That is a sign that I am a better person than my worst internal moments would have me believe. Thanks to all who see my best self and help me move toward consistently being the real me that you see!