Sunday, May 13, 2018

A Mother's Day Talk

I was asked to speak on Mother's Day. In a congregation of single people. I was nervous. At the end of the service, one of my friends said, "Well, it's done."

"Not really," I responded, "once it's out there, it's never done - you can't take it back."

If it's "out there" I figure I may as well put it out there here, too.

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Everyone has a story. We only see a small sliver of each other’s stories, and usually it is the sliver the person has chosen to portray - like today. You hear about me what I want to tell you. And whatever you can read between the lines of what I say and do.

Who am I? A question I am still trying to figure out.  I am more than a sum of my parts. I am unique and contradictory. When I first joined this ward, Bishop Carslie told me, "You have a bit of an unconventional life, don't you. And I think you kind of like that." It's true.

To some of you, I am new. I've been in and out of this ward since October. But for others, I've known you a long time and you’ve seen slivers of me since I first came in 2007 for graduate school. One sliver I’ll share today is the basics - things included in most any initial introduction: for me, this includes my very common name: Nicole Smith. Being the oldest child, with three younger brothers. And how I value my alone time - thinking time. Some of my favorite activities include reading books (and copying down quotes from them), doing jigsaw puzzles, knitting and baking.

One of the most shocking facts about me: I'm allergic to chocolate. A sliver of information that surprises and saddens many people.

Surprising people by the things I’ve done makes me feel like my life is on a good trajectory. Recently I was talking to a new friend in this ward, she told me: "I feel like every time I talk to you, I think, 'I didn't know that! Really, you did that?'" Mission accomplished.

I am also a storyteller. A consumer of and collector of stories. I love random little things - I believe in really looking at the things and people around us, in seeing the beauty in the everyday.

There is another large sliver of me that has always wanted a very conventional life. When I was in second grade we made a book of fill in the blank sentences about ourselves. We were assigned to both fill in the blank and draw a picture. They were things like: "My favorite animal is _______" and one was: "When I grow up, I want to be ________." My answer? "a mother" My picture shows a girl with blond hair and blue eyes holding a baby standing next to a crib. That dream and goal has never gone away.

On days like today, there are painful reminders that that goal is still unfulfilled.

It makes me think of some song lyrics by Michael McLean:

There will be days so sweet
Blossoming like a rose
There will be days complete
where happiness overflows
........
There will be days so tough
You’ll wonder why you chose
Taking a path so rough
And trusting that heaven knows
And when you’ve had enough
Of climbing the rocky roads
You’ll know on that day
You’ll hear yourself say
This day is one of those

There’ll be days that you feel
You could just do without
Other days that you want more of
Days of answers and hope
Days of questions and doubt
Days when you never knew you were loved
............
There will be days you’ll swear
God’s inspiration flows
There will be days in prayer
You’ll ask him why it goes
There will be days he cares
More than you suppose
.....................
This day is one of those


Days like this also remind me that people are more similar than we realize. Often, we focus on the differences, specifically the differences that allow us to keep our current perspective. 

It is tempting for me to look at those women who are mothers and envy what they have. Or to look with envy at those who are smarter, prettier, or funnier than me. Those who are more put together, better at making friends, have a fulfilling career. People who have a plane ticket to the place I want to go, those who read faster than me (and thus read more!), anyone who lives close to the T, - the list goes on and on.

But, I've also learned the saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side" is true for people on both sides of the fence.

One day in New York, I was talking to a colleague at a work event. We both needed to leave the celebration early. Her son needed to be picked up from daycare. I needed to finish packing for a weekend trip.

"Man, I wish I could travel as much as you do!" she told me. 

I smiled, "Man, I wish I had a husband and children to go home to."

We laughed and talked briefly about how we saw each other’s grass as “greener on the other side” in the sliver of each other’s lives we focused on - and I was taught again that the grass is only greener on the other side if we allow it to be. If we do two things, it can make a big difference. 

First, we have the chance to cultivate the grass on our own side. Water and fertilize our own grass to make it greener. Plant flowers. Or a garden. We have a chance to live our life. And to build that life with the help and guidance of a loving Heavenly Father and people in our lives who love and support us.

Second, we have a chance to come to know others better, to see beyond the mirage of green grass as we come to see some of the weeds and bare dirt in their lives. 

I had cultivated a friendship with my colleague where we knew things going on in each other’s lives. And beyond that to talk about things like seeking joy in our own situation instead of spending time envying the best things in others’ lives - the perceived green grass on their side. This allowed me to see both good and hard things in her life, and she in mine.

I have come to truly love that our lives are all different. Different from each other. Different from what we planned. And I have spent a lot of time thinking about how this fits into God's plan.

In the Self-Reliance class I am taking, we were looking at scriptures that teach about faith a few weeks ago. One of the scriptures referenced in the book was the story of Daniel in the lion's den. 

This is a powerful story. Daniel is put in the lion’s den because he choose to pray in contradiction to a law against praying designed specifically to harm him.

In Daniel 6:5 Daniel’s enemies said: “We shall not find any occasion against this Daniel, except we find it against him concerning the law of his God.” so they counselled together and brought a proposal to King Darius: “... make a firm decree, that whosoever shall ask a petition of any God or man for thirty days, save of thee, O king, he shall be cast into the den of lions.”

King Darius liked the idea of people petitioning only him, he took the flattering bait and made the decree.

Continuing in Daniel 5 “Now when Daniel knew that the writing was signed, he went into his house; and his windows being open in his chamber toward Jerusalem, he kneeled upon his knees three times a day, and prayed, and gave thanks before his God, as he did aforetime.”

The men saw Daniel praying, and they went and told the king, remember, you said no asking a petition of anyone but you for thirty days, right? Well, Daniel is still praying to his God three times a day.

Then the king, when he heard these words, was sore displeased with himself, and set his heart on Daniel to deliver him.” but he couldn’t contradict his own decree, so “the king commanded, and they brought Daniel, and cast him into the den of lions. Now the king spake and said unto Daniel, Thy God whom thou servest continually, he will deliver thee.”

Daniel had the faith to follow God's commandment to pray even in the face of what must have looked like certain death. Reading this story leaves me thinking that publicly doing what God asks, even if it could lead to death, is how I can show faith.

But there is another scriptural story that presents a contradiction.

In the Book of Mormon Alma and his people were in very challenging circumstances. They turned to God in prayer and were told by their captors that if they prayed they would be killed. So, following the example of Daniel, they looked death in the face and said, "fine, throw me to the lions if that's what it costs, but I'm still going to pray." Right?

Wrong.

They obeyed the order - at least on the outside. They prayed in their hearts.

And you know what? God still heard their prayers.

Here is the account from Mosiah 24:

10 And it came to pass that so great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God.

11 And Amulon commanded them that they should stop their cries; and he put guards over them to watch them, that whosoever should be found calling upon God should be put to death.

12 And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their hearts to him; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts.

13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

16 And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.

Just like Daniel was saved from the lions den, they were saved from their situation too. Daniel was saved overnight by closing the mouth of lions until he was removed from his challenge in the morning. The people of Alma were saved one piece at a time. 

First their burdens were made light. Their circumstances did not change, but their physical ability to handle them and their mental perspective were changed. 

Then over an undisclosed amount of time, they exercised faith and patience until eventually they were removed from bondage.

Sometimes I need other people around me to help me know and see truth. On a tough day, wondering why (or even if) I had chosen a path so rough I called my parents with a concern that had been swirling in my brain for some time.

In a moment of enveloping insecurity, and with deep trepidation, I asked my parents, "Are you disappointed that I am not married?" I had been fighting feelings that they were.

"Well," said my dad, "if you didn't want to get married that would make us sad, because we want you to have that happiness. But I don't know that either of my married sisters are better off than my unmarried sisters." We talked a little more about my aunts’ experiences and about how my parents were glad that I had found joy in my journey of life so far.

Having finally built up the courage to ask, the answer brought me peace. Relief filled my mind and soul. I felt in that moment that what my earthly and Heavenly parents wanted for me was my happiness. Both happiness now, and to make choices and have opportunities that would contribute to my future happiness.

For each one of us the situation and applications will be different. But the principles will be the same. We are expected to develop faith. To turn to God in our times of need. To remember that no matter what the day is - good or bad, This day is one of those where God cares more than we suppose.

God loves all of us. Each one of His children. Individually. He sees our acts of faith. He knows our hearts - our dreams our sorrows. I know that God sees all the slivers that make up our whole self at the same time. His direction leads us towards happiness with our whole self and our eternal potential in mind.

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