Hidden Sorrow

On Sunday I taught a lesson on Learning by Faith. I LOVE learning. And I really enjoy teaching. And I am always so grateful for all that I learn as I prepare to teach and also from those I teach.

One of the comments made in class really resonated with me - the idea that when God wants to teach us something He hits us from all sorts of angles with the same idea. I have definitely experienced that from time to time in my life.

This is one of those times. I've been thinking about sorrow a lot lately. My own and others. I don't know that many people are aware of my personal sorrow. Either my current sorrow or some of the sorrows of my past. I'm okay with that. In fact, I would say I often take significant pains to make sure others don't know.

There have been a couple of things I have learned about others that have reminded me that I am not the only one who hides pain away inside. Smiles and superficial interaction can be very deceiving. This reminded me that I can stay wrapped up in my own troubles, or I can remember that:

a) I'm not alone in dealing with hard things and I can (and probably should) turn to others, and
b) I should be aware that there is always more than meets the eye and if I make an effort, I can make a positive difference in the lives of those around me

There are some phrases from some hymns that keep coming to mind:

"In the quiet heart is hidden Sorrow that they eye can't see." (Lord, I Would Follow You)

"May thy mercy be revealed. Soothe my troubled heart and spirit; May my unseen wounds be healed" (As I Search the Holy Scriptures)

"Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace When other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, Searching my soul? Where, when my aching grows, Where, when I languish, Where, in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?" (Where Can I Turn for Peace)

I'm grateful that I was reminded that I'm not the only one that has a "hidden sorrow that the eye can't see" and that I was reminded of times in my life that my own hidden sorrows have been calmed as I think about and try to ease the sorrows of others. It is absolutely fascinating to me that sorrow looked at and dwelt on seems to grow and that sorrow turned away from - especially in the efforts of helping others always seem to fade away.

The other thing that my recent experiences have made me think about is the power in having a tender heart. One of my personal theme songs is I'm Sensitive by Jewel. She talks about how she is sensitive and wants to be. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that. I listened to that song today and remembered part of the reason I love it:

"So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way"

And I also found words of peace and comfort and validation in a book a friend lent me (The Lost Gate by Orson Scott Card). A father is chastising one of his children for giving their sibling a hard time. He says, "Never mock a tender heart"

As I read that and thought about all the things going on in my life, the lives of those around me, and past experiences I realized that the world tries to mock us for having tender hearts. And we face a lot of challenging things in our lives. All of which tempt us to protect ourselves and our hearts by shutting down and building protective walls around ourselves. I realized that I really do want to fight that inclination. It might be painful, but I want to be sensitive. I want to be open and help others. I want to care. I want to be hurt because it means I can feel. And I especially want to be sensitive to others and help protect tender hearts and help keep them open.

Yay for thinking things through electronically. Thanks for reading along :)

Jigsaw Puzzle

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle:

• Easy to lose sight of the big picture and get caught up in the section you're working on
• Sometimes it doesn't make sense until all the pieces are in place
• Sometimes it feels like you have too many of too few pieces, but in the end it always works out

Just some random thoughts I had while putting together a jigsaw puzzle on a Sunday afternoon :)

What I put in my Grateful box this year

In an effort to raise my low spirits one day a while back, I borrowed an idea from a friend of mine and made a gratitude box. Late on Thanksgiving day, I read the following on the slips of paper I put in the gratitude box:

• Books
• That my cousins can join us for the fishing trip on Labor Day
• Prayer
• Running into old friends
• That each day is a new beginning
• Good food with good friends
• Brothers
• Memories attached to songs
• For cell phones
• The ability to learn from and through others
• The temple
• Patience and love from others
• Memories and voice mails with the Halloween Ghost
• For a loving Bishop
• To have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life
• Running for the train and making it :)
• Modern day prophets (Elder Holland CES)
• Open mindedness 
• The complexities of life
• That my parents taught me good money management skills
•  Jen Martin
• Finding things you thought were lost
• TIME
• Tears. Not that I love crying so much as I love feeling and caring
• Medication
• The ability to pay off loans
• Roommates that are friends
• Emotions
• For Airplanes
• Changes in seasons
• Running water
• Choices
• Sleep
• A body that functions and provides an opportunity to learn how temporal and spiritual are connected
• David Zobell
• Thoughtful roommates
• Headphones
• Train rides
• Awesome adventures with great friends - like hot air ballooning with Mallori
• The ability to reason
• To have a good friend in Jen Martin

There are many, many more things I am grateful for, including this time of year that reminds me to focus on all the good in my life and the world around me. There is plenty of good and bad every day - we can choose what to focus on.

Pres. Thomas S. Monson captures this sentiment so well: "I have found that, rather than dwelling on the negative, if we will take a step back and consider the blessings in our lives, including seemingly small, sometimes overlooked blessings, we can find greater happiness...I would recommend this same exercise to you---namely, that you take an inventory of your life and look specifically for the blessings, large and small, you have received." (in Consider the Blessings)

Compliments

People usually mean them. You should accept them.

I'm starting to believe that not doing so is the same thing as calling the person who paid the compliment a liar. What a rude thing for me to do. I'm done throwing away/ deflecting compliments.

Beauty

Is what people repeatedly tell us true?

The answer is certainly, not always. But the reality is that what we repeatedly hear often starts to at least seem true. This week some random man on the street has told me I'm pretty every day this week (okay, so that's only been three days, but still a pattern I noticed today).

Honestly, attention like that mostly just makes me feel very uncomfortable (even when innocently given). It also makes me even less inclined to believe that what they are saying is true. Today the "beautiful lady" comment made me think of a scene from the movie The Kid.

Russ Duritz: Toshiya, let me ask you something. If you get called a jerk four times in a single day, does that make it true?

Amy: What, only four? Did you get up late?

Russ Duritz: Excuse me, I'm asking Toshiya.

Toshia: Four times is a pattern. It have to be five times to be a fact.

Russ Duritz: Thank you. See? There's hope after all.

Amy: Jerk.

Beauty, especially outward beauty is not something I feel I have. For the most part, I feel fine about that. What is inside is more important - and more lasting. I have felt this way for a long time. The other day I found this poem I wrote while in college along these lines:

I may not be gorgeous, but I can be beautiful.
Gorgeous is how you look
Beautiful is who you are.
It's not worth my time,
to try to change outside.
My time is better spent
grooming my insides.
A sincere smile,
A clear conscience,
A compassionate heart,
All things I can perfect.
Who I am inside
will affect others more deeply
than a flawless facade.

Potential

Lately I've been near cripplingly focused on my shortcomings:

1. Things I'm not doing but should
2. Things I'm doing but shouldn't
3. How I don't measure up to others
4. Things I need to fix in my life

And the list is very long, and very detailed in my head.

This morning as I was pondering it struck me that God's desire for us to repent, to change, to improve is rooted in our potential, not in our shortcomings. He doesn't want us to become better because we are terrible, but because we are capable of so much.

It may seem obvious to some or like an insignificant shift in perspective to others, but I think this change in the way I think about this will help me significantly in many ways.

Seventy Times Seven

I've been thinking about repentance a lot lately. I've been pondering what seems to me to be a paradox - the fact that we must forsake our sins as a condition of repentance paired with the ability to be forgiven multiple times for the same thing. If we have to forsake to be forgiven, than how can we be forgiven again if we do the same thing?

I don't think I fully understand that conundrum still, but as I have studied and pondered on this question, I have gained a few interesting insights.

One of the passages of scriptures that kept coming to my mind was where Jesus commands that we forgive someone 70 times 7 times:

21 ¶Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

- Matthew 18:21-22

If we have to forgive someone that many times, it means we can be forgiven that many times. And if we can be forgiven that many times, that means we have to (and can) repent that many times if necessary.

As I thought about this command more I realized something fascinating: 70 years is more or less an average life span and there are 7 days in a week. So in essence what Christ is asking is for us to forgive someone every single day of their entire life if they continue to sincerely repent.

I am grateful that the Atonement of Jesus Christ provides a way for me to continue to get up and brush off my seemingly inevitable mortal falls through repentance and start again. I am so grateful that I can partake of the sacrament each week to both renew my covenants (recommit to being perfect) and to once again be clean and pure.